People tell me how strong I am. I rattle off the things I’ve been through like I’m making a grocery list. “I’ve been through x, y, z,” I say, often without realizing or thinking, that the words I am using, hit folks like a punch to the face.
I’m really difficult to rattle because of what I’ve been through, but when I AM rattled, it takes me a moment to calm down.
Rowen Knox said recently “Trauma will always be a part of my life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a great life,” and that’s where I am today. Rowen is one of my favorite humans on the planet because he is so powerful and strong, but I also know where that strength comes from.
It comes from Fire, Earth, Air, and Water, coming together to help Rowen figure out who they are, so they can be the person he wants to be.
I know what it feels like to wake up and be happy about the world that you’re in, it’s a phenomenal place to be in, when you’ve finally reached the “me” phase of your. life. It’s a phase that not many get to reach easily.
Lots of people have a version of their “me” phase, that they show the world, and then the phase that they keep to themselves. I get to be me all the time, and that feels fan fucking tastic.
I have no other words to describe it.
Being yourself, and having people who accept you as yourself, and who are willing to accept you when you make mistakes, is huge. It changes everything about your life.
I’m learning that I have boundaries I don’t like being disrespected. I am learning to set those boundaries, not always calmly, sometimes I get scared and I yell still, but I am working on it. It’s difficult to change a pattern of speech that comes from trauma, especially when you know you’re in a state of being triggered.
Recently I had an experience that changed my views on a lot of things, but specifically on having children. I am even more certain now that I am not sure children is the path I want to take.
There are a lot of things I want to do with my life, but raising babies? Doesn’t call to me the way it does to other humans, and that’s perfectly okay, but it’s also a little sad because, for a really long time, all I wanted was to have a family. So I feel like I am letting that dream go, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it’s just not something I want to do. That’s my big excuse. #SorrynotSorry.
Here I am in this place of healing, and I am looking around at all these amazing opportunities in front of me, and I know instantly what I don’t want right now. Maybe one day, but not right now.
Yes, trauma will always be a part of me. Trauma formed my brain before I could talk, but nonetheless, from the ashes of the person I was before, I stand here now or sit as the case may be, and I am telling you this is much better than what I had before.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
There are several ways to help support this site; if you’re interested, it’s much appreciated. Supporting this website means supporting a disabled mixed-race Black non-binary/she person. Thank you so much for your efforts. It means the world to me and convinces me to keep going.
If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 
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