I’m not going to lie, it’s fucking ugly. All of the major panic attacks I’ve already written about, happened after I realized something incredibly traumatic, something so traumatic that it scared me to my soul.
You already know the story. Gang rape. Cult Rape. Keith Rainier.
Instead of believing me, people – read cops and doctors – assumed I was crazy, and in a video statement, I had to retract parts of my account once I’d fully pieced together everything that had happened to me. But it doesn’t change the fact that the accusation is true.
Not according to my team. They think I’m psychotic, but they won’t tell me what that means exactly. Because it “could mean” any number of things, technically. Essentially, this is: “We can’t prove you’re crazy, but we can’t prove you’re not, so here’s a bullshit diagnosis.”
So here we are now and I’ve moved to a new part of the province, so I am waiting to meet my new team and I am super anxious. I know that racial and economic basis had a lot to do with the way I was treated by my old team, and whether they admit it or not, there certainly wasn’t the kind of help I need.
I need therapy. Unfortunately, there isn’t a therapist across British Columbia, whose prepared to deal with someone who has been ritually tortured, and the one organization that does deal with women and children who have been tortured has a mandate that says you have to have been born outside of Canada, so they can’t help me.
So.
Mental health, with a variety of complex issues, is fucking ugly, in BC, for women of color, because I know damned well, I am not alone.
I am fighting to get as healthy as possible so that I can make it better for women of color in BC, but the first thing that I need is a) doctor teams who believe in survivors and b) more people of color practicing mental health medicine. I don’t think this is too much to ask for, and while I’m starting to see more and more Black doctors participating in mental health programs, it’s not near enough.
We need more.
Black doctors and nurses are essential to proper mental health care for Black patience, and I don’t think this is a local to BC problem either, I think there is a global shortage of Black folks in public service, and we need ya’ll like Ukraine needs an army.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 
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