Let me make this perfectly clear, no one “Gave me” the audacity to decide I deserve to be happy. I decided to take it because I am tired of wishing I had more, or was more.
I am who I am, and as I develop I am finding parts of myself that I forgot existed. I forgot those parts existed, because my abusers did horrific experiments on me, just to see how much I could handle.
And when in my thirties I couldn’t take it anymore, rather than take responsibility for their actions – the actions that literally drove me insane – they decided I was to blame because I couldn’t hold onto the secrets anymore.
I made the decision that abuse and trauma were not going to be the end of the story, and no it wasn’t fucking “Brave”, because being brave would mean that I did this consciously.
It had nothing to do with brevity, I just didn’t want to get raped and abused anymore.
I might not be super famous – but I don’t need to be. There’s a big enough spotlight on me now, that I feel comfortable and safe living my life.
And should they come back, well then I’ll deal with it then, but until then I am going to carry on because it’s the only thing I know how to do.
I have struggled to “offer advice,” on this website, because honestly, I’m just trying to do the next right thing, by making sure that when I do make choices, I am making the best possible choices, not only for my safety, but for my desire.
There are things I want to do, like get married and have a family, but in order to do that I have to be healthy. Not perfectly healthy, but healthy enough to handle the struggles that come with having a partner – and as I’ve been saying for years, I’m not there yet.
I may never get there, but I will get wherever I am supposed to go, and I am excited for that place. I’ve been talking a lot with That Bad Axe, who happens to be a Godsend.
And the best part about our friendship is that although she’s younger, she doesn’t’ ask me why I don’t have it all together. She deeply understands that mental health issues can force you down holes you didn’t know existed, and she gives me space to laugh or cry or whatever I need.
She’s one of half a dozen people I can count on today, some of them are close by, some are far away, but either way I know that when I need help I have it finally.
The best part of being who I am isn’t even having friends to count on, although that’s a huge ass plus, but it’s knowing that when I fall, there’s a net there of folks willing and fully able to catch me. And not all of them are friends, some of them are doctors who have been following my journey and know how to help.
Now that I am no longer in contact with most of the people in my past, I feel like I can think straight, and I think I like who I am becoming, but I won’t be sure until I look back at how far I’ve gone.
When I was surrounded by abusers, I was the anchor they needed, so they could be happy. Now that I am free of them – or as free as I can be – I am my own anchor.
The only thing I need to worry about right now, is getting my ankle healthy enough so that I can start going back to the gym and so that I can go back to work.
I’ve had eight really amazing years to heal, and I don’t regret a single choice I’ve made in the last eight years because it got me to this beautiful, safe, healthy place. However, I do wish I’d done some things differently, I think if I’d been willing to trust a little more I’d be “Further ahead,” or whatever that means.
All I know is that eight years in, I’m here now, and I am not going to stop just because things look scary or tough.
I hope you feel the same.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original LMBG
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 