The days of saying I am sorry are long over, because I took a look at my life and I realized just how hard I had to fight to save my life – granted I had a lot of help, but prior to having help I was alone. I was in complete and utter enemy territory by myself with no support system and no real need to be there other than I was too afraid to leave.
Sure enough as soon as I did leave, I was punished with a pile of lies that discussed how terrible a person I supposedly was, by people who don’t know my favorite color let alone who I am as a human being.
I still remember the first time I told someone I was raped, six short days later and my group of rapists were hanging out with each other and I was somehow labeled the bad girl who doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut.
Interesting how that works right? It works because abusers stick together, it’s not enough any more to just say “well why didn’t she come forward” because abusers and there are a lot of them in my wake, like knowing that the person they are abusing is vulnerable, they like knowing that no one is going to stand up for their intended victim, which means they feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to their behavior.
They don’t apologize for abusing us, they don’t apologize for hurting our feelings or making us feel weak and unwanted, unloved and undeserving of the basic human right of having our bodies go untouched by unwelcome hands and desires. So why the fuck are we apologizing for surviving, for healing, for overcoming? because we’ve been trained to believe that we are supposed to.
It’s the hurtful words, the cruel fists and kicks, it’s in the death of the child we lose because we get thrown down the stairs or hung over a window ledge. It’s in all the times he tells you that you aren’t good enough, even if he never actually uses those words. It’s abusive and yeah yeah it needs to stop, but what people forget is that overcoming those pre-programmed responses to anxiety and fear come from a need to survive. Those memories last a very long time, and even when the abuser is no longer a part of your life, they continue to have power over you until you realize that in trying to psychoanalyze your own thoughts, you are actually falling back into old patterns.
If you have the luxury of sitting on your ass and doing nothing while you heal, I suggest you take it, enjoy the boredom, enjoy the calm, the serenity that you are cultivating even if you swear you’d rather be doing something else. Enjoy every moment of it because you my darlings have earned it, we all have damnit.
We were beaten, kicked, thrown around, threatened, lied to, cheated on, emotionally, physically and sexually eviscerated by our abusers, damnit we deserve some down time…and depending on how long you lived with that kind of abuse it’s going to take awhile. With any luck it’s going to take a good long while, and yes it’s going to hurt. There are going to be days that all you want to do is sit around and cry and wish you are dead, the pain is going to be excruciating, but it’s your brains way of healing and reminding you that it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as when you were experiencing it the first time around.
Take a deep breath and stop asking why this is happening to you, and start remembering that certain things happened in your life that led you to this moment. Start remembering that even if you aren’t consciously aware of what your brain is hatching, there is always a plan in the works for your absolute survival, and most importantly above all else remember that if you’re still here at the end of this post you haven’t given up yet so maybe tomorrow will be exactly what you need it to be.
Yes I can promise you its going to get better, and then there are going to be days filled with shit, and days filled with unicorns who shit rainbows, and no matter how hard you think you fought before you have to fight ten times harder now because now is when you’re bored and wondering when it’s going to get better. It IS getting better, look around you…is douchebag numero uno around? No? Then there you go, it’s already better.
Sending all my love,