Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Okay so I didn’t get the signatures, and it’s not quite finished, but Ryan did such an amazing job, and he made me feel soooo safe.

I’m really proud to represent his work on my body, for the rest of my life.

But that being said, getting this peice did have a massive effect on me. When I thought about getting it, I knew it was the right thing to do, so much so that I spoke to several artists about it before settling on Ryan. The thing is, every artist I spoke to, wanted to change the point of the tattoo. They didn’t like how “abrasive” the words are, they wanted to “soften it.”

But when has anything in MY life, been soft? Never, so why shouldn’t my ink reflect that? Ryan got the concept, and while it’s certainly got a long way to go before the entire peice is done, like I said, it triggered some shit.

Transition always does. Ink isn’t just about getting a pretty/silly/good/decent reminder of something that happened to you; it’s for me, at least, about reclaiming a body that was given to me, and then systematically stripped apart by men who thought they had the “Divine right” to do whatever they wanted, because THEY didn’t have to carry the consequences.

And the system we live in has proven a lot of them right.

Some of my abusers are in jail…for other crimes that have nothing to do with me. Some of them are dead, and others are roaming free, recreating what they did to me, to others.

On a three-month basis, my doctor asks me if I believe people are watching me. I have to laugh every time. Because I run a blog where I talk about abuse, trauma, and healing, so yes, people -are- watching me, but do I believe I am in danger? Sure, as much as the next human does.

Here’s the thing: Abuse doesn’t make you “Paranoid,” it makes you aware. Once you’ve accepted, acknowledged, and peeled back the layers of understanding when it comes to abuse, you can’t forget what you now know. It doesn’t just magically go the fuck away. It gets better, but it’s still there, always under the surface.

I have a new appreciation for the Scream Franchise now, because just when Sydney thinks she has escaped, here comes something else for her to face, and it’s even more horrific and terrifying than the last time, because just because you escaped once doesn’t mean you always will, right?!

But what if we swapped the story around…what if instead of choosing to be the Sydney in the story, we choose to be the person who ends it once and for all?

Some of us do. Some of us have kids, move on, and break the chains so that it doesn’t ever happen to the kids in their lives.

However, some people grow up and continue to recreate the abuse, sometimes in an effort to understand what happened to them, like a science experiment, while others grow up to fight against it.

Today I found out that the Pentigon and The DOD, is accused of the largest download of child pornography…in the fucking world.

Ahem.

They have over 5000 suspects, and only a handful have been arrested. They’ve known about this since 2007.

If arresting pedophiles would shut down the fucking government, then shut down the God damned government. What happened to children being the future of the world? What happened to “Every Child Matters?” That includes YOUR children, that includes OUR children; it means I Matter, You Matter, and yet we’re acting like children are a commodity to be sold and bought, and when people like me who have been talking about it…we’re labelled crazy.

In September, when my doctor asks if I hear voices, I will say “I hear my own thoughts,” which I’ve been saying for nine years.

When he asks me if I feel like people are watching me, I will point to the over 5000 unsolved cases of child pedophile material being found on over 7000 computers in the highest level of the American Government.

When people see me, I want them to know I get it, and that the world that we live in is bigger than the abuse we’ve experienced.

I used to call myself Siddha Lee Saint James – Siddha for Siddha from Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood – specifically Sandra Bullock’s character. Saint James for the school where I was raped, beaten, and pulled into dust for almost a decade and a half.

And Lee because I fucking like the way it sounds, also…Bruce Lee was my favourite fighter and Brandon Lee’s The Crow changed my life. If I am being 100% honest.

Each of us, when we come from a place of deep experiences, not always traumatic, but always awakening to the soul, are people who have a light and a dark. Some of us, after these experiences, choose to feed the dark at all costs, never caring about the reception of other people.

“Other people’s beliefs about me don’t matter…” Well, that’s not actually true.

They do matter, because how other people see you impacts how you are able to move through the world. You could bet on yourself, let them strip you down, rip you apart until there’s nothing left but the very first version of your soul, and they will still say, “They’re this…instead of that.”

Other people’s opinions do matter, but only as much as you let them hold you back from being the person the youngest version of you wanted to be when they existed.

I do care what folks think about me, but I don’t let it hold me back. I take it in as much as I can, and when I am able, I navigate through what folks need by giving what I am able.

This week I was highly triggered, and every one of my friends stepped up and showed up to support me. It’s been a really long time since I’ve dreamt about my abusers, and it felt gross.

I didn’t feel safe or loved; I felt the bile rise up, and I almost threw up when I woke up. I did rail on my family about a few things, and then I spent the day going to the gym and wiling away the afternoon with my BFF Nina from @MourningPeoplePodcast.

Instead I was raped and abused, as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and an auntie. My life has been filled with trauma, INFLICTED on me like a DISEASE, by men who DECIDED I belonged to them, but never once asked me if I WANTED to belong to them.

And in the end, they blamed me by saying, “She went outside the family.” bitch, raping a girl for thirty years doesn’t make you her family; it makes you her fucking terrorist, you psycho.

This is how men in CANADA think, this is how men all across the globe think. They fully believe that “I saw her, I want her, and therefore she’s mine” is how they are supposed to navigate the world.

I can make space for the children who were brought up that way. I can’t sit right with the adults who CHOOSE DELIBERATELY not to break the cycle.

I am Siddha. I am Devon, and I am the soldier I needed when I was growing up. Pleasure to meet you.

XOXO

Devon J Hall,

The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl