I want to know that the little girl who went through Hell, just so that I could exist, didn’t go there alone, for no reason. I want her life to have had value and to matter.
I was a child sex toy, and that’s it. My family had no idea, no one knew, at least no one who could or who was willing to make it end, knew.
Those that did know, chose not to let it affect them. Beyond reminding me that when I get famous for telling my story, I’d be sure to recognize their presence in my life.
Let me make this clear:
If you let any child, including myself, be raped, abused, tortured, branded, and beaten into unconsciousness for any period of time, if you ever let any harm come to a child so that you could be a part of their success story, I swear you will be rotting in Hell.
The Bible teaches us that the Devil, Lucifer, or whatever name you wish to call her by, is evil. But what is evil? Evil is what we as humans perceive to be something that is not good.
That’s the essence of evil, but who defines what is evil and what is not? I would argue that those who have been consumed by evil, understand deeply what is and what is not evil, without The Good Book to tell them how to discover evilness.
In the studies I’ve done on Lucifer, while I won’t say he, she, they or them are the most kind of all creatures, I will say I’ve learned that Lucifer and “His” followers, prioritize the lives of children, they do not attempt to destroy children for their own nefarious deeds.
I’ve met more than a few followers of Lucifer over the years and while I will admit they are comfortable giving into their most base desires, none of the folks I’ve met, are interested in being with children in any way that one might consider “evil.”
And yet daily we are bombarded with stories of white men being charged with heinous abuses against children, more often than not, in the church platform.
More and more celebrities who are accused of crimes against women and children are “Turning to God,” and I quote that because most of them had no interest in God prior to being accused, charged, arrested, and released on bail. But as soon as those cuffs hit their wrists, suddenly God is their best friend.
My dears, that is not how the universe takes. There is a balance, when you take you must give, when you choose not to give the best of yourself, you in return get the worst.
If you give the worst of yourself, then well my friends, you’re basically screwed. I’ve learned throughout my life that to get to “God” you have to go through some of the darkest shit you can’t even begin to imagine. But there is something out there. I hesitate to give anything bigger than myself a name, but I do know there is something out there.
I also know my ancestors are with me, crowded out a lot by the voices of people who try to tear me down and gaslight me into thinking I am crazy.
I’ve learned that my being crazy is convenient for people. It gives them an excuse to say “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” or “They aren’t entirely sane, so don’t trust a word they say.” But I am not crazy.
Am I psychotic? Absolutely. Was I always? Fuck no, I was driven here by decades of men who wouldn’t stop touching me.
I did everything I could to ugly myself up as I was growing up because I didn’t want the attention I was getting. All I really wanted to do was study and learn to be a better writer so that one day I could grow up and fulfill a dream I’d forgotten I had.
Now I am here and I feel so insecure because I am still raw. Every part of my body feels like it’s being touched, molested, and raped, on an hourly fucking basis. The sensory issues of not being touched by grown men and women – by anyone for that matter – are massive.
And no I haven’t fucking discussed this with my doctor, because my fucking doctor doesn’t believe me. So I bring it to the audience, who watches me rip myself a part week after week for their entertainment, while they cheer me on and tell me how great I am.
No, I don’t need validation, but it sure as fuck feels better than being raped every day.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 