Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Michael McLeod, Carter Hart, Alex Formenton, Dillon Dubé and Cal Foote were all accused, charged, arrested, and ultimately found aquitted by a Canadian Judge, of gang rape.

Right now, their victim is going through hell. A verified Judge said she wasn’t credible, which is just going to feed all of the trolls who are accusing her of lying, and telling her to kill herself, in the shadows, where no one can see.

All over the internet people are making comments, myself included, judgements, fair or not, about what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and whether or not it happened at all. Meanwhile she’s living in Hell because she knows the truth, and no matter what she says now, they will go off to live whatever lives they will live.

Whether it happened or not isn’t for me to decide, but for the record I believe her. Why? Because I was raped, gang raped, beaten, tortured, branded, abused, sexually assaulted, by teachers, doctors, friends, neighbours, cops, gang members, and cult leaders, for decades.

I had an entire community of sexual abusers, all of whom swore up and down that I was “pure” and “chosen,” and that if I had been white “This wouldn’t be happening.” I know now that was all lies, I know how abusers work better than the most average Mental Health Professional, because I too, have been through the rat race that is abuse.

It’s a never ending cycle, if you don’t become an abuser yourself, you become sick physically from the trauma, emotionally from the abuse, spiritually from the neglect.

We as a society need to do better for survivors of rape violence. I can’t understand how it is, that I can go through everything I’ve told you about, and yet so many of you – people who know me from my past and read my words as if I can’t see you – still choose to protect the abusers.

From Saint James Elementary and JR High school, to Sands, there were abusers in every corner of my life, and not one adult who knew what was going on stopped to say “Hey, it’s not your fault,” because I was so good at keeping the secrets, no one knew, until I came forward eight years ago.

I know what was done to me, and I’d like to point to this comment, I’ve hidden the name to protect the commentator, but it explains a lot about what I’ve been through:

For those who use speach-to-text or other apps to read the image beside this text, here is the full text:

“Interesting article on “gangs” . Beware though these goofs are running around drugging people with scopolamine and sexually assaulting them, especially if they label you a rat. So , scopolamine “devils breath” fucks your memory and you will doubt it happened if you have any memory, it’s dreamlike and unrealistic. That’s how they retaliate, cowardly and goofy”

Now, the reason that I found this to be so interesting, is because what this person is describing, is what was done to me, for decades. I don’t know the names of the drugs they used, but the result was the same. Years of “Fantasies,” that I would play out with sexual partners, not realizing that what I was doing was perpetuaing the abuse I was experiencing, so that I wouldn’t fucking, are you ready for this? Forget.

I was doing it, so I wouldn’t forget that in my “Unawake” times, I was being abused. I wasn’t having sex with men because I enjoyed it, I was doing it so that I could remind myself, and every time I had sex with a man, I would have “Memories” that I didn’t realize were memories, until eight years ago.

Now I am here, free and clear, with a mind that remembers nearly everything my body experienced even when I was being drugged, and I get a message like that.

This message was sent recently, to protect the sender’s privacy I won’t say when, but it was recent, and what worries me is this: Is it a warning? or comiseration? Is it this person telling me it can happen again? Or are they trying to say “I believe you.” ?

That’s the part that bothers me most. Which is why I’ve had to upgrade my safety plan, and ensure that my close friends, fans, followers, readers, allies, and loved ones, all know what the deal is, so that if anything happens folks know what’s up.

A fucking Gain.

Again.

I had a safety plan eight years ago, and all it got me was locked in the hospital and called psychotic by doctors who chose on purpose not to believe that I was a survivor of gang and cult rape.

EM say “This system is not designed for victims and survivors,” and she is absolutely correct.

“I was afraid for my safety, I was afraid of what would happen if I said no,” and what pisses me off about this is that the judge said she wasn’t convinced EM was “intoxicated enough,” excuse me, at what point does anyone get to decide that?

If one is afraid to say no, and goes along with being raped, just to protect themselves, from being murdered, as I did…they shouldn’t then be punished, for doing so.

Would you rather be investigating my fucking murder Surrey RCMP? Is that what you’re waiting for?

Like I am tired of this shit. We’re either not believable by way of insanity, which we only achieve by being raped and abused for decades at a time, or we’re not believable because we go along to protect ourselves from being murdered.

At what point do we as a society just flat out decide, that we’re disgusted with rape crimes and that we no longer want rapists in our society?

At what point do we decide that there are enough statistics, enough survivors, and enough victims to take rape crimes seriously? And for the love of all things Holy, stop calling them sex crimes.

They aren’t fucking “Sex” crimes, they are “Rape crimes.” Sex implies choice, consent, a willingness to participate, rape is what it is, violent, it’s about power and control, it’s absolutely not about consent. I didn’t consent to Ms. Armitage in grade seven, and I sure as fuck didn’t consent to those men in those rooms where I never felt safe.

So many of you think my war on the rapists is over, my friends, I’m just getting started.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

And PS To EM….

We Still Believe You.