It’s Demeter Delune’s fault, she’s the kind of woman that I want to be when I grow up. Honest, a pure, free, truth-telling badass who doesn’t give a fuck that people shame her for being white, big, and sexy all at the same time. How dare she? The Bitch.
I wanna be just like her when I grow up.
I started writing about sex yesterday, and I am going to keep doing it, because I am really angry. I am angry that I was raped and abused, I am angry I was shamed by white women for being bisexual – or sexual at all – and I am angry that I spent so many years being unable to have the kind of pleasure other adults have, because of the abuse and trauma.
So I’m writing about sex.
It’s an empowering thing, that I wasn’t ready for when other people wanted me to be ready to talk about sex.
The problem with that group of friends was they were frustrated and angry about the fact that “I” wasn’t comfortable talking about sex, and they weren’t willing to give me the space to be able to talk about sex in a way that I felt safe with. So when I left, and then a year and six months later I’m ready to talk about it, I feel like a hypocrite for not having been ready back then.
I’m angry about that too, because humans have complicated relationships with sex, and no one should be forced to talk about the intimate details of what they like until they feel safe and comfortable.
Demeter Delune started a magazine on Medium called Something Sinful where she discusses her favorite sex toys, and talks about her own experience with sex, and I’m really excited to join her on this mission to make it more comfortable for victims and survivors to come forward.
I want to make it easier for women – in particular – to feel comfortable, being comfortable with their own bodies after abuse. I don’t know what it’s like for me, but I assume that after you’ve been violated by someone, it can feel very uncomfortable and disturbing to want to be sexual again.
I know that I’ve made a couple of men feel uncomfortable with my advances, and I’ll never make that mistake again because I know how it feels because I know it’s never okay and because I never wanted to hurt anyone, unlike the men who came for me. Who continue to disrupt my life.
Sex is a biological desire, but it’s also how we connect to the very center of ourselves and taking that vital part of our existence away when we’ve just begun to discover who we are, what we want and need, is a trauma response. Not masturbating, not always but sometimes, is a trauma response.
Not engaging in sexual activity can be a trauma response, all of this stuff that we’ve been through can have an effect on our bodies, minds, and souls, and understanding why we are the way we are sexual goes to explain a lot of things that we’ve been through.
Almost all of my former kinks are things that stem from me trying to recreate a sense of abuse so I could understand what happened to me. It took 37 years for me to figure out the degrees to which I was abused.
I cut my hair off because I didn’t want to be seen as fuckable anymore, I didn’t want to be seen as a “Woman” in particular, which is what people always see when they see me with long hair. “That’s a woman.” What if I’m not? I’d have no way of knowing because I’ve never had time to explore my own sexuality or sexual identity outside of the men who abused me.
The few men I chose to be with – and I do mean -few-, were men that I might not have chosen if I hadn’t been abused and if I hadn’t been running away from trauma. They might have been friends, but they’re not men I’d have ever met, if not for the abuse I went through.
So those relationships are all tainted by horrible memories that I wasn’t prepared to face. That I was hiding from. Which is terribly sad.
For the first time I have the time and freedom to discover what I like, and the one thing I know to be true above all else…is that I like to orgasm to my own name. Alone.
If you have thoughts you’d like to add about this post, please leave a message, and let’s talk about them,
Sending All My Love,
Devon J Hall