Once upon a time, we were a tribal people. We lived together, worked together, and worshipped together, but the more that people learned they could use the legend of that which we could no longer see, to twist and control the lives of those around them, then all bets were off.
The idea of God became something that people laughed and scoffed at because they couldn’t see, and they stopped being able to fathom what it was they couldn’t see anymore. The disillusionment that humans came to have for God, and the various deities that they once named, worshipped, loved, and cherished, closed a door between what actually was, and what absolutely could be.
It changed the way that we saw the world and started putting the idea that instead of asking God for help, we’d find ways to do it ourselves. And we did, humans created wonderful amazing things, but we didn’t do it alone.
There are the Muses, who inspire us to believe and to look outside of the box. There are the Guardian Gods and Goddesses, who live here on earth in their various forms and incarnations, educating us as teachers, healing us as nurses and doctors, and showing us the way by living as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be.
The angels that protect us used to come in blue or black or sometimes red and black uniforms, but now too often those same people dressed in those uniforms we used to revere so much, are people that we’ve been trained to be afraid of, by their own behavior.
Archeologists digging up the past, looking for the connections that we’ve long lost and forgotten, have released diseases as old as time back into a world that forgot they existed, and weren’t prepared to fight, and yet somehow, as if by majick, (or science,) those same diseases have a cure or at least a solution that might lead to a cure.
The entire world is filled with questions like:
- Why is this happening to me?
- Why am I alone?
- How do I survive Christmas with family?
- Does Depression last forever?
- How to kill myself
This is a conversation I’ve been having with my friends and family a lot lately because Christmas is usually the time that people who are feeling the most vulnerable, start thinking about loneliness, and feeling the pain of that loneliness, and too often their solution is to end their lives.
We at Loud Mouth Brown Girl just want you to know that we can hear you. Sometimes when I, (Devon) am heading off to bed, I hear these questions in my head, questions I’ve asked myself a thousand times before, but sometimes it’s not always my voice if that makes sense. It’s as if I’m hearing someone else calling out for help.
I try to see who it is, I ask myself if it’s me, I check in with myself emotionally to see how I’m feeling, and sometimes it is me crying out for help, but I swear sometimes it feels like someone else entirely, and maybe that’s crazy and impossible…but what if it’s not?
Doctors would classify an admittance that I hear voices, as a sign I am schizophrenic, and yeah okay, given I already have mental health issues, maybe I am, but IF I AM NOT CRAZY, AND I AM NOT JUST A NUTCASE WHO HEAR’S OTHER PEOPLE’S VOICES, IF I REALLY AM HEARING THE VOICE OF SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO END THEIR LIFE, I just want you to know…I think I heard you crying last night.
I think I heard you whispering “I wish I was dead,” I think I heard you say “therapy is a fucking cunt,” I think I heard you say “I want to give up.”
Please don’t.
Please don’t end your life, please don’t give up on therapy, because yes healing hurts, it absolutely hurts, but if it’s not hurting, then honey, it’s not healing.
Healing from any kind of trauma, no matter how seriously or lightly OTHER people take your trauma, is the most difficult thing you will ever do. It’s like being run over with a train because you’re following in the footsteps of someone who went before you, trying to hear what it was you MIGHT have said if they could imagine they could.
I spent a lot of years walking around my community, sharing stories out loud, with no one but the wind, and a large part of that kept me alive. Thinking that if God ever passed by, then maybe God would hear, and then maybe God would actually give a fuck about me. Turns out I was right because I’m still alive, and I’m alive because of some of the most amazing humans on the planet…and in spite of many other amazing humans, who came together to change my life.
I know it’s hard, and I know it’s scary but you aren’t alone, print this letter off, write it out, write one of your own, write hundreds of your own, and hand them out because someone needs to hear your voice, and I know this because you’re reading this right now.
You are on LoudMouthBrownGirl.Com reading my writing, the writing of a five-year-old little girl, who grew up, went through hell to get here and became the woman with the bad teeth, who want to get paid to write for the rest of her life, you’re reading my writing.
I never, ever, believed that would happen, and yet here it the fuck is, I did the thing as Kim Rhodes always says, and while she’s connecting to birds, I’m sharing MY experiences with connecting to the world, and the world is listening. So if I can do it, baby you can ABSOLUTELY do it.
It doesn’t have to be the way I would do it, but it absolutely positively needs to be the way YOU would do it. Maybe it’s you taking a photo of a random person in front of a stadium, maybe it’s you buying someone a lottery ticket just because they made you laugh, maybe it’s handing out a love letter. Whatever it is you do, you’re the only one who can do it, and if you’re not here, then there’s no one to do the thing that you want to do with your life.
So baby find your dream, find your goal, and work your way up to being the Princess Queen Goddess that you need to be, regardless of your race, creed, nationality, size, orientation, or educational level, you can do the thing, because You’re the ONLY one who can.
Connect to yourself FIRST then worry about connecting with others, and when you get to the place where you’re able to connect to others, you might just find those you connect to, are the exact same people you were looking for.
Sending all our love this Christmas Season,
Krisya Ohana
Submitted to the Council of Mary Jane
On Behalf of Supernatural Stoners Everywhere
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 