So I missed SummerSlam today, because I was so focused on listening to the voices of my abusers tell me how much I wanted it, and how much I “liked” what they did to me, and you know what? Fuck that bullshit.
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
This is the standard operating procedure for any and all abusers, it’s in the handbank they hand out in “how to abuse women and get away with it,” summer camp.
And when you’re a child whose been trafficked, beaten, abused, tortured, and branded, it’s easy to believe that it is YOUR fault, it is easy to believe YOU wanted it, but that version of the truth is a lie.
I was asleep when they climbed into my bedroom through the balcony door. “I” did not leave it open, I did not put up a sign that said “YO RAPISTS COME ON IN BITCHEEEEEEES LET’S PARTY.”
I was fast asleep preparing for what I knew was going to be another shitty day at a shitty school filled with people who either hated or loved me for being both the right AND the wrong, kind of Brown.
I was not interested in being raped, I was interested in learning as much as I could so I could escape this shit show.
All these years later, and sometimes my body still reacts to the junk that I went through, and the way that I was treated, and yeah there’s still a part of me that goes “oh that feels good,” but it doesn’t really. It’s a psychological response to something that was traumatizing, gross, and made me feel used and abused.
Abusers, particularly abusers of women and children, feel no remorse for the things that they have done, and in fact WILL, double down, on the shaming game by saying that we wanted it. We dressed too sexy, we smiled at them, the sky is blue, the day ends in Y, and the night is filled with terror that they might come back and fulfill their promise to kill your family.
Time and time again the dumbest humans on the earth will ask why we didn’t speak out, why we didn’t say anything, why we didn’t rush to go to the police, often times, who were involved IN the abuse, or in covering it up.
“What we found out by listening to the abusers was that these abusers began the abuse on the day they first met the woman.”
― Don Hennessy, How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
I was being baptized the first time I was sexually abused, I was in a dentist office at about five the second time, and the third time I was raped full on, by my babysitters’ boyfriend, who grew up to stalk me, and follow me to Surrey BC, where he watched as his friends and “family”, abused me in a night of gang rape and hourly beatings.
Who the fuck was I supposed to go to? So I can’t change that right? I can’t change that there was no one to ask for help, that I couldn’t feel the release of escape in any corner of my life, but I CAN speak out about it now so YOU know that YOU are not alone. You did not want this, and even if by some fucking chance in hell, the words “I want to be raped,” Come out of your mouth, there is a difference between CONSENUAL FORCED SEX, and actual FULL ON GANG RAPE.
These two are not the same things.
Consensual forced sex happens between loving, respectful partners, who have safe words, and actually give a fuck about the safety of the one they are worth. Rape is about making sure you “know your place.”
There is absolutely ZERO excuse for grown ass men to tie up, beat, and rape little girls, boys, women, or men, just to make themselves feel like they have a big dick.
Studies have found rape fantasy is a common sexual fantasy among both men and women. The fantasy may involve the fantasist as either the one being forced into sex or being the perpetrator. A 1985 study by Arndt, Foehl and Good found that being “overpowered or forced to surrender” was the second most frequent fantasy in their survey. In 1985, Louis H. Janda, an associate professor of psychology at Old Dominion University, said that the sexual fantasy of being raped is the most common sexual fantasy for women. A 1988 study by Pelletier and Herold found that over half of their female respondents had fantasies of forced sex.Wikipedia
EVEN IF all of that statement is true, men specifically (and women so don’t even go there) do not have the right to drug, beat, and rape a woman one after the other, there is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR IT ON THIS OR ANY OTHER PLANET. I know this for a fact, we checked.
This idea that women and men who are victims of abuse should feel guilty for the decisions and choices of our abusers is total and complete bullshit.
We have no guilt to carry, it’s not ours, it’s yours and I am fully well aware that NOTHING I can say is going to change your mind when you are an abuser, but this is not about YOU. You’re a rapist, you’re a fucking loser who had to rape children to feel good about yourself, I have nothing for you. I hope you die.
I am talking to the survivors, to those of you who slogged through the shit, and got up the next day and went to work, and raised kids, and did what you could to make this world a better place than it deserves to be, because you existed in a world that tried to kill you.
You are my hero.
Before me, there were billions of women, even women we now refer to as Goddesses, that were raped by the Gods, by men, by abusers, who didn’t know, or didn’t care that their behavior was gross, disgusting, evil, and basically just wrong.
In the story of Pandora she opens a box, and all the evils of the world are revealed, in MY version of this story, at the bottom of the box is not just “Hope,” but a mirror, so that Pandora can actually see that SHE is the hope.
As the first woman on earth, Pandora had a lot of responsibilities on her hands, but her curiosity and her insecurities forced her to open the box, and yeah that was probably not the best decision.
But the fact that those evils then turned on her? The fact that those evils then decided to make HER THEIR sacrifice? That was a choice they made, and the HOPE was that Pandora would survive.
Guess what? You, we us, we did that. We survived, we are still here, we are still telling our abusers to go fuck themselves, and reminding them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. that OUR bodies, are not THEIR property, regardless of our skin color, so instead of focusing our energies on their drama, and their “but she wanted it,” (maybe she did, but that doesn’t mean she wanted it with YOU, you fucking gross disgusting rapist piece of garbage.) We need to focus on our own true selves.
More than one time God has proven he doesn’t want me in Heaven, and many, MANY times, Satan has told me to get my ass the fuck out of hell. If I had wanted to die, REALLY die, there’d be nothing anyone can do to stop me. But I don’t want to die, not really. I want to be here.
That’s why I join groups, it’s why I do my makeup, it’s why I dance naked, it’s why I sing, it’s why I RAP, it’s why I do the things that I do on this blog. I’m not going anywhere, and my abusers think that means that they have more time to abuse me, but the truth of it is, is that the more they talk about what, how, when, and why they did what they did, the more they prove that I was right.
There are some people on this planet who are not savable, they are not redeemable, even when PRESENTED with the opportunity to change, they will continue to recreate the pain they caused, because it is the ONLY thing that validates their existence on this planet.
My Abusers counted on my silence, when that didn’t work they tried to kill me, more than once. “If I had Wanted To Die, I’d be DEAD.” -Angie the Cloud
Speaking out about abuse doesn’t make you an abuser. It doesn’t make you a liar, and no you are absolutely not crazy. Your abusers stole your dreams, they derailed your story, they did everything they could to set you on fire, and you’re still alive? You are a white, Black, Brown, Yellow, Faerie Queen Goddess, and you’re amazing. The only thing that is preventing you from moving forward, is the fear of what will happen if you let go to the trauma of the abuse.
Acknowledging the fact that the trauma exists, that the world is unfair, and cruel, and sometimes downright disgustingly evil, doesn’t change the fact that it happened, but it does remind you that you existed in a world that failed you enough to let grown men take advantage of children who were too little to stand up and fight back.
The difference between an abuser, and a survivor, is that abusers will CONSTANTLY choose to go back to abusing, even when given the chance to change their behavior, because they prefer hurting others than admitting that they are wrong. I don’t give a fuck if you have mental health problems, I don’t care if you’ve been hit in the head with a pipe or shot in the ass by a bb gun, you do not get to put any part of your body on my body, without my permission.
Abusers take all their jealousy, all their rage, and all their pain, and they focus it on hurting others, and their allies – and yes they do have them – will support them by making the CHOICE to believe all the lies, because it’s just legit easier than doing the work to believe the victim.
There are people even today, twenty-five years after it all REALLY started, who will swear from the roof tops in front of God themselves, that I wanted it, that I asked for it, that I was ready for it. And these same people are genuinely shocked when you try to tell them the truth, that they refuse to listen to, and finally decide to throw up your hands and move on.
So now I dance, and I laugh, and I make myself orgasm, and I throw my hands up to the universe and put my life in the hands of the Gods, Goddesses, Angels, and Guardians who protect me, because I no longer have the need or the inclination to defend myself against people who refuse to understand the difference between REAL love, and abuse.
If you have been abused, PLEASE get help. PLEASE find someone to talk to, please know that you do NOT have to carry the trauma alone, that you are allowed to step outside of your body, and let someone else deal with the bullshit for awhile. PLEASE let it be known that there are people out there who will help you, who will care, who will love you enough to tell you that it’s not your fault, as many times as you need to hear it.
There is work to be done when you are healing from trauma, there is work to be done in order for YOU to be the best possible version of yourself, but you no longer have to make excuses or give attention to people who will burn you, just so that they can feel good about themselves.
I’ve been burning a lot of bridges lately, closing and shutting down doors just long enough to set them on fire, because they no longer serve my greater purpose, and no matter how many people try to hold me back I am going to get where “I” want to go, because God damnit, it’s where I deserve to be, and it’s where you deserve to be too.
Let yourself cry, let yourself feel miserable, and then when you’re done for a little while, get up and do as much as you possibly can, and do that every day until every day after that you can do more than you ever thought possible.
If you’ve been abused there is a list of phone numbers here that you can call filled with people who will pick up the phone and answer to talk you through the tough times. PLEASE use it when you need to.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Ha