Ever since I was a child, I knew that I was really smart. But I didn’t know how to convey that smartness to other people, and somewhere inside I knew that I was going to have to wait for the rest of the world to catch up with my brain.
In the mean time I spent an abnormal amount of years trying to fit in, trying to be the person that systemic educators tried to teach me to be.
In trying to be who my teachers wanted me to be, I ended up being less than myself, and honestly forgetting who I was.
At three years old I knew that if I could fire the “neurons” off in my brain faster, then that would make me smarter, but everyone around me said that wasn’t true. Turns out that I was right. The faster the neurons in your brain move, the more you are able to do weird and cool shit that other people can’t do.
I remember being nine years old and absolutely convincing myself that I had seen Odin die, as it turns out, what I was really seeing was a dream about Thor and the world of Asguard right before Odin died, and then right after. It was a fascinating understanding that I had with the world. I might not be able to see MY future, but I COULD and DID very much get lost in my imagination.
In the place where no one else would join me, I could solve complex math problems, and I could travel through the space and time without the use of my body.
I was even convinced that I knew who I was going to marry. At thirty-eight I am looking back at my childhood self with be wonderment, because she was mostly right, about a lot of things.
She was smart, she was fucking brilliant, but because everyone around her got here first, they thought they knew more than her, instead of understanding that she was born to make discoveries that she hadn’t.
We spend a lot of time teaching children that they have a lot to learn, instead of actually asking them what they have to teach us, and honestly I think that’s why this world is so fucking backwards.
The longer you stay in a situation, or a place, or around certain people, the more you think you know, but it’s only later when you look back at your life that you realize you don’t really know shit, and that your childhood self imagined they knew more than you, and they were probably right.
I tell myself that I love you, a lot, because these aren’t words that I’ve heard a lot growing up and I say it especially to my younger littlest self, because she was surrounded by people telling her she was wrong, crazy, or that she was too imaginative.
Instead of trying to inspire me or foster my creativity, the adults around me tried to stomp it out, and there were very few occurrences when adults actually looked at me as if I knew what I was talking about, and encouraged me not to give up on myself.
As it turns out I did give up on myself, but I never really stopped fighting. Even when I felt my soul die after being raped and abused, she kept fighting for me, she kept believing that I could be more than what the world said that I could be, and it took me a really long time to listen to that voice and say “hey, you’re on to something.”
Recently this thing happened and it makes me smile every single time because I have waited for this particular thing to happen since I was three years old.
Really all it was was someone saying “Fuck, she was right.” It was the exact right person, at the exact right time, and it occurred to me that not only can I predict the future, but I can predict the future with almost terrifying accuracy.
I don’t know if it’s because we’re living in the Matrix, or because I am psychic, or if it’s because the world has just decided to show me things that other people couldn’t see or didn’t want to see, but whatever it is, I truly believe this ability has saved my life.
Now….I’m not going to be giving psychic readings any time soon, don’t get me wrong, but it is kind of cool to know that as a child, the things that I thought might possibly come true actually did.
There are people in this world who will look at those like me and demand that I prove to them that I am what I say I am, but I’ve already done that. Loud Mouth Brown Girl is proof that I exist in a majickal world and that I am absolutely really fucking cool.
I don’t need to prove myself to anyone but my childhood self who believed that I could be more than what the world expected of me, and for her, and for her alone, that is exactly what I am going to do. Whether the world likes it or not.
Listen to your childhood-self adults, they know more than you do.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall