When I was about five or six years old, I heard this song for the very first time. I played it over and over again on a machine called a tape deck, and I got away with playing it at least four times before my mom realized what the lyrics were. It was one of the greatest songs that I have ever heard.
Years of abuse and trauma have made it difficult for me to talk about sex, but the thing that I’ve come to realize in the last few months is that I like sex…I just don’t like sex with men.
I like sex by myself, I assume that I might enjoy sex with women one day, but for now I am focused entirely on my own sexual needs, and the best part of pleasuring myself, is not having to worry about what a partner needs. Self provided orgasms are absolutely a tool in my mental health tool box. Knowing that I can give myself orgasms again tells me that one day I can have a happy, healthy, sexual relationship with another person.
For me sex was never really about gender, it wasn’t that I was with guys because I only like guys, it was that I wanted to be with a guy because everyone expected me to pick a guy. The girls that I was around weren’t girls that I wanted to be with, and I knew that if I was going to be with a girl or a woman, I didn’t want it to be an experiment. I got enough experimentation from men. I wanted the real thing.
For years during sexual encounters that were consensual, (not that there were many of them,) I always did what my male partners wanted, rarely enjoying myself. On the few occasions that I did enjoy myself, the partner in question always inevitably did something, (or I did) that just turned either me, or both of us off, and ended the relationship before it could become anything more.
From the guy who finally got me into bed after years of friendship, and asked me if I wanted kids while he was still inside of me, to the guy who told me that I didn’t want kids on the first date, and never made it into my bed, I was always chasing less than I wanted and deserved just so that I wouldn’t be alone.
Even as I proudly proclaimed that I didn’t want a boyfriend, I still wanted the comfort of having someone to cuddle up with, even though I didn’t want a “relationship,” because having a relationship would have meant talking about all the baggage that I was carrying, and if there was one thing that I knew about guys back then, it was that they didn’t want a woman with baggage. And I had enough of it for a small army.
I’ve been avoiding talking about what I like during conversations about sex because guys get weird. They suddenly start thinking that you’re a freak and open for anything, or they get intimidated by the fact that you’re willing to try almost anything.
I’ve done pretty much everything you can do mostly against my will, in the bedroom, and so I have a pretty high tolerance, but the one thing that I know for sure is that I absolutely hate men who try to dominate me in the bedroom. I used to say that I loved being submissive, but the truth is that too many men don’t know what domination really means.
Domination isn’t just about overpowering your partner, it’s about making sure that their needs are taken care of, without having to ask what they want…while simultaniously choosing to check in and make sure that they are comfortable with what you’re doing. There is a fine balance between domination and abuse, and too many times men lean one way without understanding how to lean the other.
I prefer balance in my sexual encounters, and too many times I haven’t had that. The guys that I’ve been with consensually have been too….well let me say it plain, too wimpy to really have actual conversations about sex.
They are uncomfortable talking about sex, without actually having sex, because that’s supposed to be “private.”
But here’s the thing, even Jesus Christ had sex. This I promise you. He had lots of sex, and I bet you anything, including my soul, he probably enjoyed the hell out of it. Sorry not sorry.
So I don’t feel any kind of way when it comes to talking about sex. Choosing not to talk about it because I was abused, gives my abusers powers over me, and if there is anything I am absolutely about this year, it’s reclaiming my power, and deciding that I am not going to hide from the things that I enjoy, just because it might please my abusers to know I’m doing it.
The thing that I wish that I understood in my teens is that sex does NOT equal love. Sex in your teens isn’t about love, it’s about getting an orgasm. Unless you get lucky and your partner is absolutely mature enough to handle the ramifications of sex, you have to remember this. Most guys in their teens just want to be able to say that they got laid…most not……naw, all guys in their teens.
But as a woman? The best orgasms you ever have are going to be the ones that you give yourself.
The thing that men don’t understand about women is that we actually do enjoy sex, when you aren’t being an abusive psychopath. We will do whatever we can to get sex, when we’re in the mood for it, and we’ll work to make sure that you have the absolute best time, but you can always be fully certain that women will let you know when they have emotionally checked out of the game.
Now, I’m not going to give you tips and tricks to make sex better for your partner, because a) every woman is different and has different needs and b) I’m not stupid enough to angry women by giving away their secrets.
Although, I might mention that every woman on the planet should have their own collection of sex toys. Go into an adult store and anyone with half a brain can tell you about the toys, or you can order online if you already know what you like, but I definitely recommend going into the story and purchasing in person. A) because that way you’ll know what they feel like and what to expect and b) online sites can be very sketchy.
I will also say however, that whether it’s a one night stand or a continual relationship, the conversation about sex is a MUST have. You have to know what your partner likes going into the game, and they have to know what you like, and if they don’t know what they like, or vice versa, it’s a great opportunity to explore and create intimacy.
A person who can’t talk about sex, in any way shape or form, who can’t discuss consent and the importance of boundaries, is NOT a person you should be having sex with.
I won’t say that teens shouldn’t have sex, because do I look like a moron to you? But what I will say is that if you’re a teen who thinks they are ready to have sex, it’s NOT EVER going to be like porn. Porn is a lie sold to you to make money, they don’t care about your feelings, your boundaries, or safe words. They only care about getting you off and making you money.
There are a lot of great erotica sites you can check out that will tell you what you’re interested in, and there are a lot of blogs that you can find out information on the difference between intimacy and getting off. Talk to your friends, talk to your parents, talk to your potential partners, but most importantly talk to yourself.
If I had been given the opportunity to wait, I probably would have waited until I found something or someone special, but I was robbed of that chance, so I will say that if you can wait, you absolutely should. The wait makes it worth it when it’s the right person.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall