You’ll go far in this world, if you just do as you are toldAnonymous
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that growing up. If I had done what I was told, I wouldn’t have survived.
After I was gang raped, I was told not to say anything…predictably my abusers thought that I would keep my mouth shut, because that’s what you do when you’ve been raped and your life is steeped in gang culture.
You don’t go to the police, and you don’t talk about what happened. In regular every day polite society, you don’t talk about rape because it’s uncooth, it’s impolite, it’s uncomfortable.
I am the Queen of the uncomfortable. I wrote a book about being uncomfortable in my own skin and how I learned to deal with it.
The people who should be proud of me, my former Doctor, my mother, my family, aren’t overly proud of the fact that I talk about sexual abuse and what happened to me in my book.
They’re even less happy that it’s un-edited, and there for completely raw and open.
I can’t bring myself to care. But for the fact that it makes for good content for the website, having people be angry at me for talking about sexual abuse, having people choose not to be proud of how far I have come, does absolutely nothing for me.
I don’t care that my family isn’t breaking the roof tops to tell everyone I wrote a book. I don’t care that the people who should be proud of me are not, because I decided not to care.
I don’t have energy to waste. When you spend time worrying about what other people think of you, you are wasting energy, and time.
I no longer have any more to spare.
Last year I spent most of the year being stoned and doing shit just to get through the day. I spent time painting, drawing, dancing and listening to music. I call it therapy, things I would have done had I a therapist anyways.
I did them on my own because I had always wanted to dance, because I had always wanted to paint, because I had always wanted to try my hand at drawing, and they allowed me to exercise demons and emotions that I had been holding in for far too long.
I built this entire website being stoned out of my tree, which is ironic because now it’s a small independent business, and there are still people who think I’m not a success story? Bitch please.
I can almost hear you asking how I got here – I decided. I legitimately decided that I didn’t want to be a girl with potential anymore, I wanted to be a girl who followed her dreams, just to see what might be, if I could only find it in myself to try.
I didn’t realize for the first year that designing t-shirts and hoodies would make me a part of the fashion industry. I just figured I was trying to earn a little extra income, now I realize that I am an entrepreneur.
It took me a year to realize that I had started a business, that I had become a professional Blogger, it wasn’t the intention, I fell into it because I needed to get the stuff inside of my head, out.
Now that I am here, I am truly proud of how far I have come, I am proud of the decisions that “I” made that got me where I am today, and I no longer worry about those who aren’t proud or excited about my progress.
The mentality that I should be a failure to make other people comfortable doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I have thousands of people on social media who follow me, who respect me and dare I say it, even like me.
I have sold several hoodies and while I haven’t earned a penny to put me in the black, I am proud of the fact that out there in the world, fashion that I designed is being worn by my supporters.
The benefits of believing in yourself outweigh the risk of making other people comfortable.
So make people uncomfortable, spend time doing it on purpose, because at the end of the day the world needs you to be your wonderful, beautiful, weird, strange and glorious self.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall