I did nothing wrong. I didn’t do something to deserve this kind of poverty, it just happened. I want you to know that. My mom escaped an abusive boyfriend who hurt all three of us, because she decided she’d rather live alone then put her children in jeopardy again.
She was hurt, and traumatized, and the cycle continued with me. I dated one man who was so abusive he had me gangraped to show me how much he could control me. I was abused for decades.
By grown-ass men, so I am afraid of them now. I am telling you this because if we ever meet, I’ll point to this post to say that I am a messed up person. A lot of messed up things happened to me and while in this space, I am trying to get better, I am not there yet.
I hope I am by the time we meet, but in case I am not, remember, I told you so.
I am 40 years old and staying in a hotel tonight, tomorrow I won’t have that option because we’ve run out of money, we might be able to squeeze out another night or two but I don’t have high hopes.
On April 27th, 2023 we ordered Chinese food because it was close, cheap, and we could eat on a few items instead of a whole big menu. So we did that, and my fortune said “a windfall is coming for you.”
I don’t know if that’s true but I hope so, of course, I do, I’m human. We all hope that one day life will be a little easier, that our anxiety won’t get the best of us, and that the PTSD of it all will stop kicking our asses, so it’s only normal that I want this to come true, but I am not a very patient person you see.
The only reason I am not kicking and screaming is because it won’t help. It will just zap my strength and I need all the strength I can get right now because this is an untenable situation.
I can’t defend the people in my life who let this happen but I also can’t be angry at them either, if maybe I’d been healthier sooner if maybe I’d woken up from PTSD sooner maybe I could have caught things before they got too bad, but I didn’t. So now I am here, I don’t love that this is where I am but how great is the “she came back from adversary” story going to be?
Here’s an ugly truth. Even when I was working with people who lived with addictions, I assumed that this kind of poverty only hit people with addictions. Almost every person I met who was houseless, was also someone on drugs, and very few of them fought the fight to get off drugs.
Many of them just found it easier to remain in the shadows, mostly I realize now because they asked for help and didn’t get it either. Eventually, you come to this place where you just stop asking and you do whatever it is you have to do, to survive.
I am tired of just surviving. I want to thrive, I want to put roots down somewhere and build a life, I’ve never done that before.
My whole life I’ve been in a state of stunned shock because I’ve been living with PTSD without knowing it. No one told me that PTSD and trauma were things, I had to learn this from so many people on the internet who went through it. I had to learn it from other survivors.
Now I know better, now I know I’ve been living with PTSD instead of schizophrenia, now I know I am diagnosed wrong and even though I can’t do anything about that, I am getting some of the help I need to get better.
I’m fighting for my life, but you need to know this future person, I’m exhausted. I’m wiped out, so if we never meet, it’s probably because I died trying.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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