So I’m watching #DirtyJohn, and it got me thinking about the number of times I didn’t pay attention to my instincts because I was conditioned – deliberately so – to believe the best in people, even as they continued to show me the worst of themselves.
“Be nice,” “give them a chance,” “maybe they have stuff that has nothing to do with you.” On and on and on, the excuses come one after another, but we don’t talk about that stuff, and we don’t ask questions because we don’t want to believe the worst in the people that we love. We want to love them because we want to BE loved and we forget, that they are not one and the same.
“I Didn’t Pay ATTENTION to My Instincts, Because I Wanted To BELIEVE The Best In Him,” We ALL Say That, But We CONTINUE To Let Them Get AWAY With Ruining Our ENTIRE Lives Because We WANT To Be LOVED.
It’s easy to chalk our fears and anxieties up to trauma, but more often than not, it’s our own instincts telling us what we already know to be true, “this situation is dangerous,” and we don’t run away because we don’t want to seem like wimps, or like we can’t handle anything coming our way.
We often believe that being strong means accepting the way we are treated, because “if we can get through that we can get through anything.” The truth of the matter is that sometimes we need to say no, even when it might feel good to say yes, because saying yes only feels good because it’s easy, not because it’s the right thing to do.
I have said yes to more things that I didn’t want than I ever thought possible because it was easier, it was easier than fighting for what it was that I really wanted and when I did say yes, people didn’t believe me, because they thought I was just trying to fit in.
Ironically I was trying to fit in, I wanted to fit in because I wanted to be liked, and I wanted to be safe, I wanted to be loved and protected, and I was willing to break off parts of myself to make that happen, and now that I am no longer willing to do that, it’s hilarious to me, how many people want to carve holes into my life, so they can stay where they are not wanted.
ABUSERS Will ALWAYS Come Back To The SCENE Of the CRIME, Just To See The DAMAGE That THEY CAUSED So They Can Feel POWERFUL For ONE Moment In Their Lives!
And just when you think that you’ve figured out how to deal with an abuser, they will find new and inventive ways to destroy your life, while calling it love, and saying that you’re the most important person in the world to them.
They only say that because they know that their survival depends entirely on your destruction, and they will go out of their way to take everything they think they are owed because you had the unfortunate luck of being the one to invite them into your life.
Abuse is NEVER your fault, if you are hit, beaten, kicked, raped, thrown against walls, or set on fire, it’s never, ever your fault. But every single abuser, and every one of their friends, will tell you that it’s your fault, so that you stop fighting back, so that you give in, because if you give in, they don’t have to step in and do something.
More and more, when people realize that the people they love most are abusing them, there is the overwhelming sense to defend their abusers, there are always excuses. I’ve made them a million times, but the excuses don’t actually excuse the behavior of your abuser, no one has the right to abuse you. Ever.
Period, end of statement.
I understand the need to want to believe the best in people, and I believe that everyone deserves to be loved, but no one has the right to make you feel physical or emotional pain to make themselves feel better. It’s not allowed, it’s actually a human rights violation to hurt someone to the point of psychological torture, but it’s not something many districts pursue, because it’s too hard to prove.
It doesn’t matter if your abuser is alone, or has dozens of friends, when they set out to destroy your life, they are going to finish the task, no matter the cost, and it doesn’t matter how many times they say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, it’ll never happen again,” it will always happen again.
When we talk about “living positively,” we don’t often talk about the boundaries that we need to set in order to have a healthier more positive experience. This conversation about boundaries is completely new.
Narcissists, bullies, abusers, whatever you call them, it means the same thing. It means people who will destroy you, in order to make themselves feel better, and nothing you can do is going to change that fact.
You Are NOT Required To Put YOURSELF in Danger, For OTHER people’s successes. I Forgot This Growing Up, I was ENCOURAGED, to Forget This, and it was EASIER to Forget This, But It WASN’T Healthy!
It’s really difficult to get your life back after you’ve been abused, not because it’s impossible to build a new life, but because the life you had is gone. You can’t change the past, no matter how many times you want to Harley Quinn your memories.
It’s easy to pretend, and it’s a healthy coping mechanism at first, but eventually you have to actually move on. Close the doors from the past, light them on fire, and move forward, maybe in a similar direction, maybe in a completely different one, but the one thing that you have to remember is that it’s not about survival anymore.
At a certain point, you have got to decide whether you are going to drown in the pain, or find new ways to thrive, I don’t say this because I want you to believe that everything is going to be okay suddenly overnight, but because it’s important for you to understand that life DOES go on.
It stops for awhile, and you get thrown off course, but you absolutely, will continue going on. Giving up isn’t on the radar today, or any day.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall