Battling Mental Health and My Need for Vengence

I haven’t been writing lately, not much anyway, because I’ve been in a funk. It happens, which is precisely why I don’t write fiction, I’m too lazy to spend time trying to unravel stories from my brain when I have so much real stuff that creates more than enough drama in my life. I’m frustrated with my inability to write, so today I am just throwing words at the wall.

Yesterday someone sent me some top secret information that I promise I will share when I’m ready, but I can tell you that I am incredibly bothered by what this information means. I am angry about the fact that it means I was lied to, lied about, and betrayed, over something as offensive as money.

Yes, we could, if women would stop stabbing each other in the back over money and men. I’m so tired of the world right now, and then this information comes across my desk and all I can think “because of course it’s about jealousy and money. That’s what everything with women is about.”

I am so tired of opening myself up only to see how harsh and cruel the world can be, and although I want to close down and stop believing in hope, I really can’t because if I do then what the fuck am I doing here?

“Can we PUHLEASE have STORIES that are MORE about a woman’s DRIVE and LESS about her need for VENGENCE, power, or MONEY?

The mean girl trope is old and played out, and yet in every single circle where marginalized communities gather there is at least one woman asking herself how she can capitalize on someone’s pain and trauma, so they can make a buck.

In my reading and writing groups, women are constantly complaining about the fact that so many stories that are making it to film and television are about women who use their superpowers for evil instead of good.

And then when it happens in real life, we don’t talk about how difficult it is to acknowledge the fact that women do evil shit for stupid reasons.

When I think about my legacy as the Loud Mouth Brown Girl I want people to say that I was honest, and in order for that to happen I have to be honest about all the things in the world, but sometimes that means starting a fire in the middle of a very dry forest without an army of firemen to put it out.

It means starting a war, and I’ve been very careful to stay out of social media drama, I’ve built a reputation on not getting involved in online drama, and yet at the same time, I know if I don’t say something in a year, or five years, a lot of women are going to be looking at me wondering why I didn’t say something.

I’m sitting here, in the cold because no matter how much I crank the heat the window is still open and my apartment is cold and all I want to do is cry. I was a part of something, I helped to build something in my small way, I opened myself up to being vulnerable for the first time in my life, to total strangers who became sisters, and I lost that opportunity because one woman decided that The Loud Mouth Brown Girl was too powerful a voice, for her.

She STOMPED out my FLAME and I don’t know HOW to get it BACK…but I have to TRY…or else what am I DOING here?

There are days when I wake up and I think “I deserved better” and lately there are more and more days when I am just feeling a lack of motivation to get back to where I was last year when I was writing every day and feeling good about myself.

The truth is that I have fallen down and I don’t know how to get back up.

This is the problem that comes from women betraying women for power, jealousy, and money. It causes so many gaslit issues and trauma recreations, forcing the victims to wonder what they did wrong, to blame themselves, and close themselves off to new opportunities out of fear. At least one woman I know of is now in daily therapy because of the anxiety caused by this information that I now have.

I am worried for all of the women involved, but right now I just don’t feel comfortable blurting it all out. I need to protect myself, I need to know what this information needs, and I need to decompress from the seething anger and rage that I am feeling overall this betrayal.

In comparison to what happened to other women, what was done to me was inconsequential to anyone but me, but that doesn’t make the trauma of it any less important. I am frustrated that even in my 30s I can’t seem to find women who genuinely want to see me succeed. There is really only a handful of women in the world that I count as a true, “I got your back, whatever you need,” friend who is almost always there when I need to talk.

I’ve been obsessed with watching Gilmore Girls, and the stories that I am reading and viewing right now are all about women who have to fight for their place in the world, I’ve accepted that women have to constantly fight to get half as much but why do we have to fight each other?

From Black women making backroom deals to Black women telling me that I’m not Black enough, I am just tired, and feeling very alone and isolated, and the truth of it is that it didn’t have to be this way. We could have built something really great, but in the end, one woman’s jealousy is going to slowly destroy everything in her path until there’s nothing left.

If I am being honest, I am not surprised that no one came to ask me why I left, I am not surprised at the lies that were spread around my back, and I am not at all surprised at the drama that is happening behind the scenes now, but I am heartbroken by it.

It was something special, or it could have been, something born out of genuine necessity, will now become a seedless pot of bullshit over time, and I’ll be over here, quietly sipping my tea watching as I heal, replace the broken parts of me that were stolen or torn off, and supporting those who need it.

I don’t need to be vengeful anymore, vengence will come as it always does when it’s ready.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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