featured, healing, Herstory, His Story, Written while Stoned

Soldier, Warrior, Survivor, Hero, Philanthropist, You Know…Your Average Canadian Woman

The words we use to describe ourselves matter. They change our brains and change the way that we think about ourselves. I haven’t done mirror work in years, but today I looked in the mirror until I couldn’t anymore, and I realized…I’m really fucking amazing.

Like many of you out there, there is no reason other than I fucking wanted to, for me to have survived nearly half the shit that I went through.

I’m ONE of a TRILLION things you’ll never be. But You Don’t Have to Be Me. Find Your OWN words. – Devon J Hall

I truly believe people who commit suicide should be classified as murder victims – abuse is what kills us, PTSD is what kills us, isolation, and many of these things come from after severely traumatic or terrifying events caused by other people.

In the case of abuse victims, when one kills themselves I don’t get sad for the life lost, I get pissed off and angry because that’s another Angel that deserved to be here, who lost their chance because someone else decided to derail their lives.

When I think of Andrew Cuomo I get even angrier because he was supposed to be one of the good guys, and he failed so miserably, so factually, in being a good guy but succeeded so well in gaslighting us into believing that he could be seen as a good guy. He figured he’d get away with it because we trusted him, that’s the first mistake that all abusers make.

It’s exhausting trying to say “I’m a warrior,” when you’re surrounded by people who genuinely don’t know how to care about those of us who have been abused. They call us arrogant, tell us that we should tone it down to make them more comfortable, and we do because we’ve been abused and we think we deserve to be treated as lower citizens because of the fact that we’ve been abused.

Excuse my LANGUAGE, but FUCK that. I have NO issue being the ONE that makes EVERYone UNCOMFORTABLE on Purpose. If I had to Survive it YOU get to HEAR me Talk about IT ALL!

I spent my life keeping my mouth shut because it was easier and as you all already know, it just about killed me. Today I am stronger than I was yesterday but only because I am armed with the deep-seated knowledge that I was right. I have always known who I wanted to be, I just had to get the bullshit out of my way.

Now that I’m free of the shit holding me back, I can finally make room for what I want, but I admit, having been a victim of violent crime has made me a lot more skittish than I used to be. Strong doesn’t mean impervious.

There were men and women who contributed to what I went through, children once who thought they knew everything, who grew into the worst adult versions of themselves, in part because some of them were trained to be that way, and for others because they made a choice to be that way. I’m the one that got out. I’m the one that got away.

I have a responsibility to tell my story so that it doesn’t happen to someone else, but I also don’t want to write about it in a way that makes everyone miserable. I want to be a part of showing that you can have joy and healing after trauma, and so the words that I use to describe myself HAVE to change.

I don’t use derogatory language to myself anymore. I roll my eyes when I hear a negative thought, I’ve trained my brain, and continue to do so daily, to see these negative soul-crushing thoughts are not necessary to our growth, and so my subconscious brain knows exactly what to do, even when my conscious brain doesn’t always.

Sometimes – especially when I’m using a medication that isn’t working – I feel like a fucking zombie, and I’m just coming out of that. I can’t concentrate on the people telling me that I’m not going to make it, yelling that I’m a loser or a fake or a rat. They are completely irrelevant. If they were meant to be important they’d be a part of my life for longer than it takes to tell me that I’m a failure.

Yes, I have failed many times, but I’m not done yet, the race isn’t over, I’m still going steady, still moving forward, still making changes one day at a time that prove that I am meant to be something special in this world.

There are those out there thinking “damn she’s cool, I wish I could be her,” stop that. Look in the mirror, that’s who you’re meant to be, you’re a diamond in the rough, you’re still creating your life, still finding your footing, still learning who you are. How do you know that you’re not already cooler and more important to the universe than I am?

In ancient texts there are stories of majickal children who were born to change the world, how do you know you’re not meant to be one of those children?

Starting with paper and mirror work, I’ve started to realize that I no longer refer to myself as a victim. I WAS a victim, but I SURVIVED that shit. I fought like hell to get out of that room. I lied, I made promises, I did everything I could to protect myself afterward, and I’m still doing that every day. I’m a WARRIOR.

These aren’t words that we use lightly, we use them because they mean that we are still here, they remind us that no matter what we’ve been through, we SURVIVED, if we’re still here to tell the tale, no matter how big or how small the platform, we’re doing okay.

Start by putting notes on a post-it note. Use bright colors and markers and decorate those words, each word you use should be a word that you wish someone would say about you. The more that you create the more you stick them around the house. On the fridge, in the bathroom on the mirror, wherever you need to be reminded that you are special, wonderful, kind, loving. Seeing these notes every day will make you smile, it’ll change the way you think about yourself.

I know it can sound silly but fashion can really change the way you think about yourself. I used to hide from fashion because I didn’t want to feel good, I just wanted my clothing to hide me from it and protect me from all the bad things. But when I put something on that curves my body the right way or makes me feel good my entire day has changed.

Get a fucking haircut, take a God damned shower, do whatever you can to survive through the day, if that means sitting on the couch I mean yeah you can do that, I’ve done it, been doing it for months, but a certain point your body, mind, and soul, need fresh air. Open a window, take a bag of garbage out. Do all the things that you HAVE to do, to create spaces in your home where you can feel safe and protected by your own self.

These repetitive things change our brains, and it’s something that I struggle with a lot.

I struggle with them because my emotional issues are so fucking heavy that the idea of doing anything physical wears me out often before I’ve moved. But one day at a time, right? One moment, one hour, whatever it takes because you deserve to be here.

There’s no law that says the world has to set out to destroy you from the moment you’re born, so since that’s not a thing, the world doesn’t actually have the right to break down every part of your life and destroy who you are. You deserve to claim your greatness.

There will always be people who try to replicate what you’re doing while telling you that you’re doing it wrong, but the truth is that the reason they are copying you is that they know they will NEVER achieve a truly great legacy on their own, they see what you’re doing and they try to replicate it, but they don’t have the stamina.

Baby sisters and brothers you’ve been here. You know the beast that is depression and you know how to get away from it, you know what works for you and you have everything you need. I promise.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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