I’ve been thinking about dating a lot lately, not because I want to, but because I am so against the idea of dating, that I am genuinely curious if it’s because I’m not ready yet, or because I’m afraid to let myself be ready.
So I thought since this whole website is about ensuring my future peoples know what to expect, I’d write some thoughts on the subject of dating here.
I joined the C.I.A. when I was twenty-seven years old, and I mean that seriously, until today my employment with them was top secret – okay obviously not, but I might as well have, because if you think you’re going to be in my life, and lie to me about anything? You may as well just run now and save us both time later.
I am not in the mood to waste my time with anyone so the moment you told me your name, I took a mental note of your face, and I learned everything I could about you because after what I’ve been through I can’t let myself get caught in the kind of situation that I did before.
Also? If you’re from Canada, or possibly the USA, and maybe even Mexico – especially then, you’re out. This isn’t a race thing, it’s a “this is a small fucking continent and everyone knows everyone,” kind of vibe, and since I hate 99% of the people I know from my hometown? Chances are you know them well enough that I should probably despise you as well.
You can’t be lazy, I’m lazy enough for the both of us because I’ve fucking earned the right to be. I’ve been raped and abused so many times I should get a Guinness record or at the very least a McCarther Award for all the psychological work I’ve done on myself.
I Am Not To Be Messed With. I am Not Afraid, and that makes me dangerous, but it also means that you’re going to have to understand that because of everything I’ve been through, you might have to work harder than you might with other people.
I don’t trust easily and I look for danger around every single corner, yes I have people watching my back, but I also have a lot of people who want to hurt me, and so you might be caught in the middle of that, yes, this is a reality, no I’m really not paranoid.
I pissed a lot of people off, not that I care, but you, your friends, your family, they might. I am whether I like it or not, affiliated to a lot of dangerous people, and as the most recent shootings across the lower mainland of British Columbia prove, they are not interested in who you know, who you think you know, or who you think you are.
These are the reasons that I do not date. It’s not that it’s not lonely, but because of what I’ve been through, I can’t trust that the people around me will be safe, no matter how much money, or how many people they have in their corner.
I’m not a bitch, I’m not psychotic, and I am not crazy. I am a woman who has been through hell, and because I’ve been there and back more than a dozen and a half times in my life, more than thirty in one night, I’m tired. I don’t have the energy to get dressed up and go to a restaurant so you can show me how much you want to live on the “classy side.”
I want to relax, I want to go to a movie, go play video games, go dancing, I want to laugh until I cry and walk along the edge of the water to see the lights at the base of North Vancouver, I don’t want to hear your life story, I want to hear the fun stuff, tell me things that will make me laugh, don’t ask about my tattoos, let me be me as I am ready to share myself with you.
Be aware that I am unafraid and I owe no one a single apology for what I did to survive. I did what i did because too many people showed me that my life didn’t matter to them, and because my life didn’t matter, I was nearly murdered.
This has changed me, I am not a woman anymore, I am a warrior now, I have fought hard and I have had to deal with Gods, Angels, Demons, and the worst of the worst just to escape and at any day that could change. The time I have is borrowed from men who hate me for being a rat, hate me for surviving, and hate me even more for telling the truth. Dangerous, not-so-stupid men, who are willing to end lives to protect their own peace.
Some of them have gone so far as to fake their deaths, so if you want to date a woman like ME? YOu better be prepared for a life of cops, because there will always be shadows trying to rip my life apart and me fighting for every single day I get by being my true undiluted self. Are you ready for all that?
Because I’m not.
Dating the average survivor of abuse isn’t going to be this drastic, but this is my situation, and my situation is a shit show. I made some stupid choices, I trusted the wrong people, and I got burned, I wasn’t a threat when I was a victim. But I am now, and there are people who know it, how can I ask anyone to put their own safety at risk on the off chance that we MIGHT click past a third date?
More importantly, how can anyone ask me to take that on? I don’t even know you, but our mere association could get you hurt, and you want me to add one more person – a stranger to the list, on the off chance that it ends up being more than sex? Really?
You’re going to have to be someone fairly special for me to even consider giving up my dream of being the world-famous Love Letter Faerie, because as scary as her life is, it’s pretty fucking amazing too and I’m not willing to sacrifice her existence, for “mediocre or bland”. No thanks.
I’m good over here creating my brand, building the foundations of my house, I’m good with the peace and the quiet. It’s who I am now.
A Warrior constantly preparing for when they come back. Sarah ain’t got nothin on me.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 