Yesterday I talked a lot about what comes next and believing in myself and tonight as I write this I’m thinking about all those fighters in the legal and not so legal world of professional fighting, that are asked to throw matches after years of hard work to get where they are, which is never anywhere great when they’re asked to throw matches.
People who ask you to fail at something you KNOW You deserve to succeed at are shit, but they are only half the equation. So what the fuck are you going to do? Throw the match to make a quick and easy buck, or fight back?
We all know which one I am, I’ve come too far to let anyone ever tell me who I am supposed to be again, and in that same vein, I have to include myself on that list.
That nagging little voice that is CONSTANTLY surprised when I get shit right is my inner child, and she’s a twat, a really annoying one because she’s so unsure of herself that she makes me question myself.
And sometimes I listen because the fear that she might be right is so strong that I just can’t find the strength to fight back.
I’m feeling particularly inspired tonight, honestly by myself, because there are so many cool things that are going to be happening this year, and not only am I the one responsible for them happening, but like 99% of them were my idea, and so that’s where the fear comes from.
“If YOU fuck up….” and so I am going to have to make a concentrated effort to manage my time which is NOT something I am good at when I am not in an office. So that means that it’s going to be a tough year because I HAVE GOT to get help in here to get my shit in gear.
That means seeing my life coach or finding another – because I need someone to help keep me accountable, to push me to make sure that I don’t stop because something is too hard or difficult, and normally I’m all “nou, lemme do it alone,” but this year is all about collaboration, so I can’t do it alone.
That part helps, but then there’s that tiny little…WAIT A MINUTE, SHUT THE FUCK UP GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU EVEN GOING DOWN THAT PATH?!
Because it’s easier than ignoring her that’s why, but guess what? She doesn’t exist anymore, so you have to ignore her. SHE is just a memory, and memories lie, they pretend that you didn’t survive, that you didn’t use everything you had inside of you, that you didn’t take every single life lesson all at once, and use them to survive so you can heal, and now you get to thrive and you want to know what if?
Here’s are some “what if’s for you?”
What if the world folds itself in such a way that the universe gets the fuck out of your way and you actually get to do all the things you want to do? Would you be happy? Of course, you would, because you know when you’re happy you make sure that other people are too, and when you’re miserable, everyone knows it.
When the PTSD starts talking it can be hard after what you’ve been through – whatever that may be – to believe that you can come back, that there is anything worth fighting for, but what if it was more than just about money?
What if what you’re doing, what if the path that YOU THE PERSON READING THESE WORDS, is doing, is more about changing and possibly even saving the world? What if you really do have superpowers you just haven’t discovered yet?
Writing your origin story is one of the most powerful things a human being can doing, short of sharing it with total strangers on the internet. We don’t do it because we want to change the world, we do it because we know how bad the world can get, and so no matter how hard it is we keep fucking going.
For our kids, for our parents, our animals, for the ones we love, and more importantly than any of them, for ourselves.
This life isn’t about who has happiness and who doesn’t, it’s about showing that EVERYONE can have happiness, if we stop trying to lash out and hurt each other, and start working together, but if you’re willing to fight me on that, I’m not going to sit back and say nothing about it.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl started because a woman was raped, repeatedly, abused, traumatized by actual physical and sexual torture, there is no way that this brand is ever NOT going to stand for the people who made sure that I survived that.
Regardless of your race, creed, nationality, size, orientation, or any other stupid ass separating label that is meant to divide you from the fact that we are always here, no matter what. There are people in this world who come to this site looking for hope, looking to see how I did it. A friend confirmed that people from my past ARE reading this blog, and so this is for you in all.
You can be better. You don’t have to be what they tried to turn us into, you don’t have to share your story, but you DO have to acknowledge it, somehow, in whatever ways sets you free. You can break the cycle or you can repeat it, there are no other options.
If you choose to make the attempt to break it, I’ll be here. But not because I’m waiting for you to catch up, I’m here because here is where I need to be to get where I want to go. If you want to join me you can try, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget all the things you said when you thought I wasn’t listening.
I am not the kind of woman who gives up on myself, and I am sure as hell, not the woman who stops fighting when things are just getting interesting.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 