Sorry Won’t Bring My Tears Back *TRIGGER WARNINGS ARE MASSIVE*

Trigger Warning:

IF AFTER READING THIS POST YOU NEED FURTHER HELP PLEASE REACH OUT TO ONE OF THE NUMBERS ON THE LIST LINKED BELOW. I am so sorry I had to share it this way, but I am tired so damned tired, of pretending that bad stuff only happens to kids and then it’s over. Gang life doesn’t end when you Exit gangs, it’s a life long battle that will never fully go away.

If you need support check out this great list of phone numbers you can call for support, from around the world.

Keep Going…You Can Do It


So today I attended a Webinar on what parts of the lower mainland, specifically Coquitlam are doing about gang culture in BC, and predictably it was a great lecture but it wasn’t really that great in terms of the fact that all they talked about are the things they are doing right.

They didn’t talk about what services there are for women who are 30+ who are trying to escape gangsters and gang life.

I want to make this perfectly clear, if you believe even half of what I said happened to me, then you MUST believe that I mean this seriously when I say, there aren’t any services for women like me.

  • Women who have had weapons shoved into their vagina’s,
  • women who have been getting raped since they were about 3-5 years old who are now 38 or older.
  • Women who were not “wives,” “Wifey’s,” or “girlfriends,” but “Throw away bitches,” that can be used and passed around over and over again until they go insane and start doing or selling crack in order to escape the torture of the mind fuck that is being used as a living sex doll

I was in the third category, “sold” from one pedophile to another, from province to province even as my mom thought I was safely tucked into my bed at night, for years NO ONE knew what happened and I never, ever wanted it to come out, and then the other day or last week I was trying to write a post about gang life, and I realized I wanted to add some services, organizations, and pathways to escape for anyone who wanted to after reading that post.

But that post never came to be, because I decided that I wanted to research possible places to send people, and I couldn’t bloody find any. Let me tell you what happened.

  • I called Surrey British Columbia’s dispatch at local 1, to ask if they knew of any resources. I was rudely told to check out the SAFE Program, and hung up on.
  • I called back and asked to speak to a supervisor who put me on hold for a few minutes, before I gave up and hung up. AS ONE WOULD DO IF THEY ONLY HAD 30 SECONDS TO MAKE THAT CALL AND THEN COULDN’T STAY ON THE PHONE WAITING FOR HELP
  • I called SAFE, heard a weird sound on the other side of the line and was promptly disconnected.
  • I am still waiting to hear from a pair of really badass women cops who run Her Time, but we’ve been missing each other, they put on a presentation about their work today/yesterday.

I want to make this very clear:

I was not a “gang girl” I was used by gang bangers, I was called a rat, even though the REAL rat got away scot free, and still as far as I am aware continues to work with the police. Yes, he LITERALLY threw me under the bus to protect himself, and the result was that he and several others (at least 10-14 or so) men gang raped me and nearly killed me.

I reported this to the police, and you know what else? I made a list of every single name I remember from that night and wrote them down, they had me committed. Four times.

Once in Vancouver, 3 in Surrey Memorial Mental Ward.

If a girl calls for help in Surrey BC, and calling a cop is CLEARLY not an option, (trust me there are a LOT of cops out there who take advantage of girls like me, who don’t have parents with connections like I do, so don’t even go there,) for a lot of reasons, not just the () ones, then who the fuck is she supposed to call?!

When I was committed in SMH, I told a male doctor what was being done to me, and what had been done for more than 20+ years, and do you know what he said? He said “I” sounded psychotic and that he didn’t believe it happened.

Do you know WHY he thought I sounded psychotic?

Only one of two reasons exist for this brilliant discovery of his and I mean this with my whole chest.

  • He’s either crooked, and don’t fucking tell me I’m crazy, my child psychologist was a prolific child abuser who as far as I was last told is locked up in an ACTUAL asylum where he can’t hurt his patients anymore. His name was Dr. Golden and he worked with BC Children’s hospital. Yeah, THAT Dr. Golden.
  • OR alternatively, it’s because we do not talk about what happens to women and girls who are connected to gangs when they ARE NOT in relationships with these children playing at being men.

“Sexual trafficking,” is a pretty way (oh yeah it is) of saying “some girls are held against their will, sometimes in their bedrooms, other times in dingy disgusting basements, and raped for hours and hours on end, and if they choke to death? They are resuscitated, so the abuse can continue. That’s EXACTLY what happened to me the last time I was last gang raped. I ACTUALLY passed out and I am pretty sure I died. I woke up with another man raping me.

I am putting this out there, because I understand that when it comes to children we need to be careful about the words that we use, but ADULTS need to know the stark, painful, horrible reality, of life as a woman who is even remotely slightly connected to gang life, when she didn’t CHOOSE to be.

Literally NO WOMAN ON THIS PLANET, chooses to be raped. Our RAPISTS CHOOSE us, and they don’t ask us if we like it, or if it hurts, and when we say it hurts, they do it ten times harder, because they enjoy feeling our pain through our faces.

When I was 15 and they raped me night after night in my own bedroom, door closed, promising to kill me if I said anything, I told them I was bored. And I was, sure they were torturing me, but after a few rounds of “how much can she take” I got bored.

He laughed.

He thought it was “adorable.”

I was “ready.” And that’s when they brought in a group of about six or twelve boys, I honestly can’t remember how many, who grew up into men, who raped me the last time I was gang raped, because they like myself, were brainwashed into forgetting what happened to me.

Does that sound psychotic to you? Yeah me to, except I DIDN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

Of all the men who raped me who told me they were bonified fully patched Hell’s Angels, want to know exactly who never once laid a hand on me? A True Bonified full patched Hell’s Angel.

I once met Larry Amero, outside of Willy’s Pool Hall in North Delta, I was sixteen. I asked him flat out if he was angry at me. He looked at me with his stunningly scary beautiful blue eyes and said “we don’t hurt children.”

If you don’t know who Larry Amero is google him, he was a fucking terrifying presence, and he was a HUGE huge man. Of all the rumors about him, I can honestly say he never touched “me” I don’t know about any other bullshit, but what I ALSO know is this, no Hell’s Angel EVER touched me.

But PLENTY of men pretended to be Hell’s Angels, and they used that fear that they MIGHT be against a BUNCH of children who were too afraid to say something on the off chance they might be.

The truth is that you do not have to be a gangster to terrify kids into doing what you want, you just have to make them THINK that you are a gangster, and if they stay afraid long enough, they will never speak up. So while kudo’s should be offered to the work being done, there is still a LOT of work to do.

To the men who raped me, who turned boys into gangsters who grew up into men who also raped me and other girls around the province, your “I’m Sorry,” doesn’t mean shit to me. I don’t give a fuck what happens to you. I HOPE the cops catch you all and arrest you, but if you vanish from my life for the rest of time that’s just as fine too. I have nothing more to say to you.

I am not afraid. I know that there will be people who will call me a liar, I’ve defended too many women who have survived to believe otherwise, but to them I refer you bac to this post called “We Do Not Care.” I don’t care what you think about me. Whether or not I live or die, MY story is out there now, and there is nothing you can do about it.


Trigger Warning:

IF AFTER READING THIS POST YOU NEED FURTHER HELP PLEASE REACH OUT TO ONE OF THE NUMBERS ON THE LIST LINKED BELOW. I am so sorry I had to share it this way, but I am tired so damned tired, of pretending that bad stuff only happens to kids and then it’s over. Gang life doesn’t end when you Exit gangs, it’s a life long battle that will never fully go away.

If you need support check out this great list of phone numbers you can call for support, from around the world.

Keep Going…You Can Do It

Before You Leave Check Out These Great LMBG Links To Other Branches On the Loud Mouth Brown Girl Tree That Grew From The Little Seed Given To Devon J Hall From Devon J Hall the Eldest, Wise, and Most Beautifully talented, of all the Devon J Hall’s.

Stay Lifted Sis. This new version of the show is going to hopeful inspire others while we laugh, and enjoy being present in our every day lives, regardless of where others THINK we should be. Check out new episodes November 30th @ 6PM PST on @AppleiTunes and @Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts. If You’d Like To Be On The Show Please Click This Link.

The Loud Mouth Brown Girl Shop #604North is OPEN again and while we only have the Stay Lifted Sis collection currently, many more are on the way in the coming months.

Uncomfortable is an Uncomfortable read of un-edited essays written by the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, during the start of the 2020-2021 pandemic era on planet earth. It’s a difficult read filled with reminders that no matter how much the universe tries to squish us, we keep pushing through and moving forward to become our best selves. Grab a copy from Amazon on Kindle or Hardcopy Here.

Twitter is the place that I found my inner Loud Mouth Brown Girl, (Thank you Barrett Brown,) and because of that it’s where I still have some of the best conversations. Join me and let’s talk about whatever is under the sun and above the moon by clicking this link here.

Instagram has really helped me become far more confident in myself than I have been in past years. Through pictures and videos you can get a better insight into my life and the things that matter to me than the words you find on this website or Twitter. Join me for the occasional live stream and the always being silly, confidently, myself. Join me Here!!!

Author: Devon J Hall

Devon J Hall is a thirty-eight-year-old Writer and Author from Surrey, British Columbia by way of Calgary Alberta. She lives with three cats, one mother, and is addicted to coffee, cigarettes, and weed, not necessarily in that order.

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