Abuse

Dear Men…Is It Permission You Need? I Hereby Grant You Permission, Not To Be An Asshole

It’s 2020, there is no more excuse. We are evolved enough as a society, that it’s time that we start taking responsibility for our actions.

Yesterday a single mother of two posted to me on Twitter and asked if I could help her raise some funds to take care of her kids. Unfortunately the only thing I was able to do was to rt the tweet and ask my followers to support her if they were able.

Suddenly a man I’d never spoken to before, who doesn’t follow me told her he’d be willing to give her money if she called him Daddy and it was just all around gross.

There is no excuse for your behavior when you are trying to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. I am even more disgusted with the fact that it happened on my watch, because I try to set my social media up as a safe space for those who need to talk or need support.

In the year 2020 there is absolutely no excuse to be a disgusting pig, and this isn’t about kink shaming, I used to be a Daddy’s girl, I liked calling my former Doms Daddy, but that’s because in my case, I had severe daddy issues that I was using these men to work out.

I am confident when I say that I used to use men in order to work out my issues, so I can confidently say that I see men doing this all the time, and it’s time to stop.

When you recognize that your toxic behavior is affecting someone else, it’s time to move on from that behavior and use the lessons to grow, men who manipulate, abuse, torture, kidnap, rape, women, are not safe men to be around. I know this now, and I know how to recognize the signs when I see men being manipulative.

There is an argument to be made for the fact that some of these men genuinely do not know they are behaving in abusive ways, but I don’t know if I believe that.

I think when you hit and abuse a woman over and over again, you know what you are doing. When you see a woman asking for help, and you decide to tell her you’ll pay her in return for sexual favors, you know what you are doing.

If you need permission to stop acting like an asshole, and you are reading this post, then you know it’s time for you to stop behaving like a spoiled child, and it’s time for you as they say, to man up.

When I hear that phrase “man up” I don’t think about men being strong and powerful physically, I think of manning up as something you do emotionally. It means, to this woman’s mind, that it’s time to start taking stock of your emotions, and dealing with them in a healthy way.

My friend Anya says that “like recognizes like,” and these days I spend a lot of time wondering why it is that I don’t like certain people, and I can take that question and reverse it to ask myself what it is that I don’t like about myself.

There is someone in my life that irritates the crap out of me, because they tend to make everything about themselves, and they rarely think about how their behavior affects me. They chalk my frustration with them up to the fact that I have mental health issues, when in reality, it’s their behavior that is the problem.

True, I have to measure how I deal with this person, but I admit that sometimes I lash out in ways that cause harm, because I genuinely get frustrated smiling and pretending to be nice to someone that I do not always like, even if I do love them.

This causes a lot of tension in our relationship and makes some of our interactions uncomfortable and awkward, but I find often that it is me that is always apologizing, it’s me that is always being the bigger person.

I am not going to say that I am going to stop being the bigger person, but recognizing where my frustration comes from helps me to deal with the triggers and the resulting lashing that I want to give but am sometimes able to hold back from releasing verably. Not always, but sometimes.

At thirty-seven it is important for me to recognize why it is that I am triggered, and why my behavior is the way that it is so that I can do better. I want to do better, because I never want to be the kind of person who lashes out in anger and hurts someone I love, over and over again, just because it’s easier than dealing with my shit.

If you genuinely want to be a better person, much less a better man, you’re going to have to do some work and get in touch with your emotions. You’re going to have to break that brainwashing that tells you that it’s not okay to admit that you’re not perfect.

You are a human being, not a robot, you need to connect to your emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt others, because the more you hurt others the less they want to be around you and I know how damaging that isolation can be.

I’ve met some really wonderful men who don’t have any issue admitting when things are not going well for them, who reach out when they feel like they are drowning and the reason that they are able to do that is because they know they don’t have to handle everything alone.

Neither do you.

You don’t need someone to tell you that you can be a better human being, but if you need it here it is. You absolutely can be, you just have to remember that sometimes, it’s not about you.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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