Today, I spoke with Sharmane Fury from ManeHustle Media, and I really realized that I have not been embracing my mixed girl self.
If you’re mixed and you are out there, maybe you’ll understand what I mean when I say that I’ve always felt like I needed to be “either, or” instead of “all” of myself.
Black folk have straight up told me that I am either not Black enough, or not Black at all, because I am Jamaican in descent, white folk have always just seen me as Black.
I honestly never considered embracing all sides of myself because I never thought that I would be allowed to do so.
Several months ago when I was talking about the logo and the brand for my site my mom reminded me that I am also white, by telling me so, and I had to remind her that the world doesn’t see me that way.
It didn’t occur to me at the time that the world could, if it so chose, to see me as both Black and white, it didn’t occur to me that I could if I so chose, make space for me to be all of myself instead of parts of myself that the world was willing to accept.
I’ve always been the kind of person who prided myself on being my full self, but it wasn’t until I heard the Militantly Mixed podcast that I realized I haven’t been my full self in a very, very, long time.
A genuine part of it, is fear of embracing my full self, that feeling that all Black women get when they finally come into their own, I am absolutely afraid of it, because there is a responsibility that comes with accepting your full power that I am not yet ready for.
There is a lot of racism and abuse that comes with being a loud mouth brown girl, that I haven’t yet received, and yet I know that the more my name gets out there, the more that I am going to have to face people trying to fit me into a box that I no longer want to be a part of.
It’s important for me to define myself as a mixed race, brown girl, because now that I realize how much of that side of myself I have been denying, the more that I remember that there are other girls out there, just like me, who don’t know where they fit, and they need people to look up to.
I want to be one of those girls that other girls look up to, I want to be the kind of person who is strong enough to embrace every inch of herself, because I don’t ever want to deny the roots that gathered so that I could exist the way that I do.
I don’t ever want any girl who listens to my podcast, or reads my blog, to think that they have to deny parts of themselves the way that I have.
My mother’s mother’s were women who took care of the homestead, who did what they had to do to survive.
They were also the kind of women that chased love, no matter where that adventure took them, and even if it didn’t always work out in their favor, or the way they expected things to work out, they always followed their passions.
It is important to me that I pass that tradition on, so from here on out, I am going to make a concentrated effort to embrace all of myself. Flaws, depression, and everything in between.
I hope you will too.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 