I’ve never seen the end of a rainbow, whenever I have seen them, they stretch for miles across city and mountain to create a reflection of light, usually on days when I am not feeling so great.
I almost always see rainbows on days when I have gotten through an episode of not feeling so great. A reminder that things are still beautiful, and that there is still majick in the world we don’t understand.
Sure rainbows can be explained and quantified and we can Google how they work and where they come from, but rainbows are one of those things that remind us to believe in Majick.
They say that there is always a pot of gold waiting at either end of a rainbow, that it is just waiting there for some lucky human to go and find it and pluck it up, but what if the pot of gold is the journey, as opposed to a physical item?
When I think about all the times that I have seen a rainbow, I have never considered the pot of gold, I am only doing so now, largely because I’ve been thinking about the positives and the negatives of my life.
“It sucks to be the Leader, it sucks to be the Queen, it sucks sucks sucks, get over it.” – Tamsyn to Bo on Lost Girl.
Our childhoods sucked. I say that to victims and survivors and warriors of abuse and trauma. Our childhoods were fucking awful, but we are still here and that matters.
Giving up is not an option, not for people like us who have destiny’s. It’s hard to believe that we have one, because we’ve been through so much crap that our spirits are a little bit beaten and broken down. The darkness is very good at convincing the hero that they are worthless.
They’ve had eons of practice, but that doesn’t make them right, or honest. By them I am talking about the abusive men, I am talking about the abusive employers and people who try to make us feel less of ourselves in order to make themselves feel better.
I had a former friend who used to tell me she was skinnier, prettier and smarter than I was. Our relationship was so toxic that I had to end it by threatening to call social services on her. I never did make that phone call, but it burned the bridge between us and allowed me to start discovering who “I” wanted to be.
I went through a few dark years there, years where I wondered genuinely if I was ever going to find my happy place and now that I am here, I am terrified of anything and anyone who might displace this happiness that I have found.
In other words, I have found my pot of gold.
In order to find your pot of gold, sacrifice is demanded, and for too many of us that means giving up our childhood and our innocence, in order to be made into something stronger and greater.
I was forged in fire, beaten down by white supremacists who thought that I would never escape to tell my truth. I am afraid every night that they will come back and yet I am reminded that it doesn’t matter if they do. My truth is out there, the world knows what happened to me.
Anything they do now will only confirm anything and everything that I have been saying and add fuel to the fire that makes me who I am.
I survived, and no matter what they say or do, no one can take that away from us.
The journey to the pot of gold is difficult, and painful, it’s uncomfortable and it will demand that you put everything you are into the desires you claim to want, but when you get to the happy place, everything else falls into place.
I got here by refusing to give up. I got here by knowing that even in my tiredest, scaredest and saddest moments, it was going to get better eventually, because it always does.
There are always going to be moments when you think that you suck, when you believe that the person you love most in the world must hate you, when you truly think that for a moment, giving up is going to be better than continuing to fight on.
And when those moments pass they will be replaced by moments of love, and warmth and caring, and people who love you will show you that they love you.
You just have to be patient, and I know how frustrating that is, I know that it’s not the best advice in the world, but it’s the best that I have.
Self discovery means peeling back everything you think you know about yourself, so that you can find the layers of who you are. It means following your dreams and fantasy’s, it means doing the things you never thought you could accomplish but always wanted to.
It means giving yourself permission to discover the person you really are, by testing out who you could be.
I could be a painter, but I just don’t get the same joy from painting that I do from writing. I know I could be a flutist, but I don’t have the energy or desire to learn the craft the way I do with writing.
If I hadn’t gone through the bad stuff, I wouldn’t be here, and I am where I want to be, finally.
You will get there, please do not give up. It’s not worth it.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall