Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Because when she can no longer be controlled, when she no longer serves a purpose, she Becomes, disposable.

First of all – to those of you who read this and who also happen to be fans of Hayden Panettiere, I want to extend my deepest condolences.

Losing someone you admire – regardless of how close or far you are to their star- is difficult. Always. I’ve been through it enough times now to know the best we can do is wish them well on the next part of their journey, and move in ways that honour what they tried to teach us. May she rest in peace.

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Girls and women are the only people on this planet who understand how difficult it is to exist on this planet. The only people who have more experience with cruelty, abuse, and the ensuing trauma are Black, Brown, and Indigenous people.

Not all of my closest friends are white people, but in this life, in this version of my life, I have chosen incredibly well.

In my past life, I made friends through proximity, and through the idea that because I liked some people, I had to like their people too. For me, it was the only way to fit in.

I sacrificed parts of myself that I will never get back to fit in with people that today, I wouldn’t spit on in a drought.

I am saying this not because I am angry at them, or even because I hate them. I do, but I don’t. I don’t want anyone to feel the pains that I went through to get to this place, but I also fully believe what happened to me is still happening.

Many of you who joined me on this journey from the beginning right remember “Op Lith Child”; it stood for “Operation, Lithuania Child.”

A woman from Lithuania was trying to protect her niece when her brother was murdered along with a judge and two lawyers. Her niece was taken by the police, never to be seen or heard from again.

Now, yes, it’s true that the child was white, but it’s also true that the child saved my life and helped me to see what was happening in my own life. She, without even knowing I existed, made it easier for me to stand up for myself.

Because of her, and her aunt, and her cousin, I am alive today. Because of the members of Anonymous that I made friends with, who wanted to and did everything they could to help me, I am alive.

That’s called privilege; it’s called community. Community isn’t something everyone has, for a lot of reasons; lots of people do not have access to the kind of support that I have.

Lots of girls are out there with all the privilege in the world, but until you’ve lived in a cage, in a true cage, you don’t understand that fancy cars, big houses, glitz and glam are all just another kind of cage.

When we look to Hollywood, we are SUPPOSED to see beauty, perfection, wonder, and glam. What we’re not supposed to see takes more lives every day than I personally can count.

I now know there are teenagers and young folks out there reading this blog and looking to me for advice, so here it is:

Don’t sacrifice the person you want to be for the person you think you’re supposed to be. Sacrifice for the person who looks up at you and says, “That’s going to be me one day.”

The young ladies and girls in my life are going to be women one day, with children of their own. And by the Grace of the Goddess, I’ll still be there to see the effect my self has had on them. To see who they teach their own daughters to become is something I am very excited for, but it’s also something I can wait to see.

Yes, I said “I {Can} wait” to see it happen. So many girls before me, after me, and even during my reign have raced, are racing, and will continue to race to have children young.

Part of it is that they are babies being used by people who know better. But part of it is these girls genuinely have been convinced the only way to be loved, protected, and fed is to become a mom.

I knew many women in their 20’s who had been made all kinds of promises, only to find they weren’t worth the breath they were whispered upon, myself included.

Girls in this world are not valued – especially when we find ways to make ourselves matter. The more we speak out the more they call us crazy, liars, who just love curling up on the bathroom floor in the dark in tears until DMX pulls you out of it.

Fuck.

You think this shit is fun?! Much of the reason that women of all ages have decided to choose the bear is because they no longer want the psychic spiritual connection that comes with having been with toxic men!

And no ladies you might NOT be treated better in Africa, but given how we’re treated in Europe, America, Canada and the Aisa’s isn’t it worth the risk to go find the love of your life in a place as “Wild and uncontrollable” as Africa(🙄), while simultaniously having the adventure of a life time?

And if not Africa, how about Italy? The European city of love and light? Or Paris, Perhaps Japan is more your speed, wherever in the world it is you find YOUR love, and whatever that love looks like for YOU, it should be YOUR choice!

And it rarely ever fucking is. Too many women settle for what they’re surrounded by and then call themselves the failure if and when it possibly doesn’t work out.

As if bringing children into this world could ever be a fucking failure. The failure happens when we forget their absolute and precious POTENTIAL CAN and often is destroyed by the choices of those who got here before us.

Those who were very much like us, brand new souls just trying to explore the world!

Every single child born to this earth is precious, until the moment comes when their brains – often indoctrinated – convinces them violence, abuse, toxicity, is the way.

And there is a moment. There’s always a moment when an adult, an experience, a moment in time when you or someone you know could be the change in a child’s life.

But too many of you – and don’t look away cops – don’t really care. You proclaim you have all these anti-gang programs where are they? How come every summer and fall gang violence rises until an innocent gets hurt and another year goes by with no change?

And as the daughter of immigrants on both sides, I highly resent people who come to this country and break the law, BUT I ALSO KNOW MANY OF THEM ARE VIOLENTLY FORCED TO COMMIT THOSE FUCKING CRIMES, do you know how I know? Because someone was in the change in my family’s life too.

That person was fucking me. I’m the God damned one who put an end to decades old bullshit, I’m the one who said enough and it cost me everything I think mattered to me.

When I stripped down all the layers of the things I like – when I did the “five egg test” (not literally because eggs are fucking disgusting), I realized I like all the things about being girly, but like Ariana, I’m no longer a fan of the physical parts that make me a “Woman.”

Men have systimatically ripped away my autonomy and taken away my ability to love myself in a way that feels healthy – I fully know that inking my body, self pleasure, and showering naked – literally and mentally – are all apart of healing and are all normal things.

But they don’t “feel” normal. They don’t feel like I’m doing these things with my own body; I feel like it belongs to someone else and I’m just “here for now.”

I don’t know if that makes sense – but what I do know is that feeling comes from deep, undiagnosed Complex PTSD.

Look at how shows about women-centred superheroes are treated, even if they get longevity; how are those women treated behind the stage?

How are teachers – a predominantly woman-led profession treated? And what happens when we let white men into spaces where vulnerable people are allegedly supposed to feel safe?

These are uncomfortable questions, but at what point do we start to acknowledge that the rules about separation of Church and State have long been decimated? If we didn’t learn that on October 7th, I don’t know what on Earth is going to teach us that lesson.

I am tired of hearing that Black men – and women – in America are committing suicide, when we know that America – in particular – has a massive history of setting crosses, and humans, on fire. and yes, hanging them from trees, only to then EAT THE FUCKING REMAINS.

No, I’m not going to soften my language; I am not going to chill out and pretend “it’s not that deep.” I see men, women, non-binary and trans people every day I work and I see the pain they are struggling through. Pain other people DECIDED they deserve.

So few of you understand consent, or critical race theory, or critical thinking at all really and it’s not that “You don’t have the skills,” it’s that the skills have been deliberately hidden from you, so you can’t and won’t know how to fight back.

Black girls, Brown girls, Indigenous girls, Asian and Disabled Girls, ARE NOT FUCKING EXPENDABLE.

It is, however, no wonder that so many of us end up dead before we’ve ever had a chance to live. We are, have always been, and probably always will be, a threat to the status quo.

There’s a reason that when you kill one of us, twelve more are born. It is because the incoming are infinitely more prepared than the outgoing.

XOXO

Devon J Hall,

The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl