Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Last night I went on TikTok live with my friend and neighbor That Bad Axe, and when it was over and I came upstairs again, I couldn’t go to sleep right away.

I kept dreaming of being raped, I kept dreaming of my abusers, and it sent me into a tailspin that made me remember the dark times as if they were right in front of me.

I didn’t panic, I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, and then I went to sleep, I woke up this morning with a headache, because I know that I got triggered by the conversation we were having on the live.

It’s frustrating because I put this spotlight on myself, not because I thought I could handle it, but because I needed the eyes and ears of random strangers to protect myself.

“Making content,” isn’t my fucking goal. This is my life, and I write about it because writing about it makes me feel less alone and helps me understand the depths to which I am traumatized by the world that I grew up in.

The good thing about it, is that I know I can talk to TBA about it later, and that will help me divest myself of so many of these dark feelings, but I also hate the fact that I feel like I am constantly leaning on my friends, who have their own trauma.

What I need is deep, therapeutic trauma counseling, to help me sort out what happened, and to help me organize how I feel about it all, so I can start the process of dealing with all the little shards of pain so what happened last night, doesn’t happen again.

I know there are going to be great days, good days, and fucking downright awful days, but I also know that if I give up now, I won’t get to the place I know I want to get.

So I’m trying. I’m trying to “Create Content,” I’m trying to build a brand, and I am trying to remind the whole wide world that no matter how bad it gets at night, the sun still shines in the morning. Even when you can’t see it.

I know this, I’ve got memories of seeing the sun shine when I couldn’t see anything else in the whole wide world. I have seen people come back from the brink of death and go on to live full enriching lives after trauma.

I’ve seen people succeed in spite of the universe literally trying to kill them.

So I know, that as hard as it is going to be, I am going to keep going, I just…today I need some space to bitch about the fact that what happened to me was cruel, vile, and unfair.

At the very least it was un, fucking, fair.

Sending all my love,