No one who is in a place that I want to be, is someone who hasn’t experienced houselessness at one point or another in their lives. It seems to be a rite of passage to experience hardship before you find a place of comfort and stability.
I’ve seen it a million times. People who fall, and people who have gotten back up, so I know it can be done and I am absolutely certain there is no reason that I shouldn’t be one of the ones that finds a way out of poverty to this extreme.
That being said, I’m still afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be. I think what makes this different is that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I am looking for even if I can’t vocalize it just yet, I know what I am absolutely not looking for too.
I’m discarding everything that doesn’t fit into my life right now. I’m not afraid to lose people, places, or things. I’m not afraid to be alone, I’m afraid to die before I get the chance to help pull others through.
I have access to a great playlist by way of spotify and I can’t tell you how much this music is getting me through a really rough patch in my life. I didn’t know how much music soothed my soul. I remember once I stole a Much Music mix tape from one of my bullies just because it helped drown out all the fucking noise, but I couldn’t explain that because I didn’t have the words to explain.
I do now, and I’m trying to use as many of those words as possible to help other people find the same kind of hope that I seem to be carrying around with me. The shock has sort of started to wear off, mostly, I sort of feel a bit more like myself today than I did yesterday.
I think a mix of my medication, and PTSD symptoms have been holding me back from really acknowledging the fear – it’s one thing to admit that it’s there, it’s another thing entirely to acknowledge and deal with it at the same time. I’ve just been saying it’s there without really seeing how deep it goes. I’m fucking shocked.
A billion times I’ve seen tweets that said “I never thought I’d be in this position…” and I’m like…fuck…that’s me too.
There’s a lot of #MeToo that I am resonating with right now, not just the abuse stuff, but the poverty, the life lessons, the laughter that comes with knowing all the people who got where you are going, have had the same fucking thoughts.
The same fears, the same anxieties, they all dealt with it, and they made it to paradise, why not the fuck you? Why not you reading this?
What if we just accept that this is one phase of my life and while it fucking sucks the big one, it’s not permanent. Hopefully.
I keep thinking that JK Rowling was facing eviction when she wrote Harry Potter, agree with her or not, (I fucking don’t thank you very much,) there’s power in knowing that the people who are at the “top” if you will, had to fight claw tooth and nail to get where they are, and preparing yourself to do the same.
Sure demons are real, they just don’t come in 3D, they come in the form of hunger, poverty, lust, fear, anxiety, depression, and misery. They show up in emotions and you can either let them stomp you out or you can keep fighting, I’m tired I am just not tired enough to give up, which is fucking fascinating.
Six years ago I told YoKalli I was done with Anonymous and life. I was ready to throw in the fucking towel. He/she/they/them asked me not to die, and I’m still fucking here, because someone asked me to stay. Someone I don’t even talk to the way I should anymore. Our politics and ideals are on opposite sides and I just can’t stand beside them anymore right now, but but but…they are the reason I’m alive. So if you’re reading this, thank you.
I have had a lot of time to think about all the things that happened to me, and they weren’t fair. It wasn’t fair for them to abuse all of us, it wasn’t fair for them to try and start a war amongst us, it wasn’t fair for them to drive me crazy, it wasn’t fucking okay. It was illegal in every possible way, and it was fucking gross.
It makes me sick to think of the person they tried to make me turn into, and I survived that, so I can survive this too.
That’s the part I was afraid of for so long. The survivor in me will fight with everything I have to make sure I don’t die because I promised I wouldn’t and I don’t break promises like that.
She’s fucking terrifying.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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