Is that what I am being? I am oddly calm though I have my moments where I freak out and stress and even yell. I’m trying hard not to let anxiety win, I’m fighting the only way I know how. By writing every day and accepting that I can’t change all things about my situation, but in this moment I have only as much control as the universe will allow.
We’re applying for apartments and hopefully, we’ll be walking through the door of our new home soon. I’m already planning on getting plants. Little ones, like cactus or a fern, something easy to deal with, that won’t pressure me to death. Because I’ve never owned a plant before but I’d very much like to.
This is a brand new opportunity to be someone new and I haven’t had that in a very long time. I can reinvent my entire life, start from the ground up and build as I go just as I did with this website, and I know we can do it, we just need to find our new home.
I don’t ever have to go back to my past again. I’m done dipping there, I have amends to make to be sure, and I will when I am able, and not one moment before. I won’t just carry guilt with me from now on, I’ll turn it into understanding and the chance to learn to do better.
I did what I did, and I asked for help and didn’t get it – that changes today because finally I am getting the help that I’ve been asking for decades, and I’m finally in a place where the world doesn’t entirely suck around me. I hope I can hang onto this feeling for a little while.
Someone said that I am resilient, and I don’t know if it’s that or if I am just allowing myself the space to be comfortable in the uncomfortableness of not knowing what’s coming next. I don’t feel safe here, I know things could get vastly worse if we don’t find a place soon, but I also know that we have a lot of really loving and beautiful people on our side. And that changes the game.
When you have the supports you need the world is a lot easier of a place to navigate than when you do not. Too many people don’t have the supports that I have, so I am not going to squander those relationships. They mean everything to me, and not just because the people are helping us, but because they genuinely want to help us. That makes the difference.
Lots of people are also praying for us which I actually believe is helping and the weird part is that the more that I uncover the roots of my spirituality the more comfortable I become with the idea of God again. I’m not so angry right now, which is a nice feeling. I don’t know when I started to let my anger go, but little by little I’m less angry at God.
I’m still rip-roaringly pissed at my rapists because fuck those pieces of shit, but my relationship with God is stronger than ever, and I finally understand why everyone thanks God when they make it to the place that we all claim we want to go.
I get it because in these moments when you feel more alone in the world than ever before, it’s often only God that feels like you’re surviving. If not for God we wouldn’t have this hotel, because maybe God heard what’s up and actually does give a fuck, but what if? Isn’t a question that I’m allowing myself to ask anymore.
Shit happens, and then you move on, and you do better the next time around. I got sick, that’s not my fault, that’s not something that I was in control over. But I am in control now and I absolutely refuse to let myself go without asking for help again. I’m not just resilient, I’m loved, and letting myself be loved is uncomfortable. It’s helpful, but it’s not always the easiest thing in the world.
Letting people love you means that you have to live up to being the person that they think you are. It does to a certain extent mean being worthy of that love, and honoring it by being the best version of yourselves. Sometimes we stumble and fall, but those of us that get back up again go on to do great things. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it, we’ve helped make it happen for other folks, so why not us?!
It’s more than shifting your perception, it’s deciding that you’re not going to let the hard stuff chip away at all the parts of you. One day this is going to be a story I’ll be asked about, today and tomorrow it’s my reality. I can live with that, I can’t live with what happens if I give up moving forward and instead choose the path of proving all those people right.
They were right about me. After everything they put me through I fell down and I struggled really hard to get back up, but here I am, getting the fuck back up. Now what?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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