Technically speaking, this is post #1068 because I wasn’t paying attention and I didn’t realize that 67 posts ago, was my 1000th post, so I am celebrating that achievement, even though I didn’t know I’d made it because #WordPress didn’t give me a big badge for the achievement.
I am pretty excited about the fact that I’ve come this far in my writing journey because honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it past a year. None f my other online blogs, journals, or digital records have, this is the longest writing experience I’ve ever had.
I guess that means I really am destined to be a writer after all, so many blogs get to five or six years and then the writers switch gears and move on to something else, I was genuinely afraid that was going to be me, but everyone around me is so encouraging about this brand, about my experience, about what I am going through that it’s really difficult to want to give up on myself.
Right now all over the world, women of color – specifically young girls – are being told how they are supposed to exist in this world, and who they are supposed to be, and very few people are actually asking what these young girls and ladies want. Trans or otherwise, these girls deserve to have a voice in the world that is heard not told.
I am one of the people who doesn’t really have a voice in my circle of people. Right now I am relying on other people to point the way and help me because I am completely certain that I am in a phase of transition, but I also don’t know what the end of this transition looks like so I am deeply terrified of what the results will look like when I can finally digest everything that is happening.
I haven’t finished processing my childhood trauma yet and now here comes the trauma of not really having a safe place to live in, it’s a scary time to be alive, but that hope I mentioned yesterday is still there reminding me that when you’re a fighter you can’t stay down forever.
I’m listening to Latin rap right now and I don’t understand a single word but I know enough to know the men in these songs are saying the same thing that Black men say. “We’re the strongest, we’re the worst, fear us,” blah blah, the same shit that every man says when you put his voice to rap music.
There are lots of women right now looking up to the heavens asking “why me?” instead of “why not me?” and I really want to be a part of helping to change the way we frame our perception about the struggles that we face.
I’m not saying that a good attitude is solving all my fucking problems, don’t be ridiculous, I have help, and I have hope, that doesn’t mean that I am happy about this transition, or that it’s comfortable, transition never is, but I’ve accepted it because the only other option is to lose my shit and end up back in hospital again and we’re trying to break old cycles, not keep them going.
The other day I was going to reach out to someone that I KNEW I shouldn’t reach out to, but that’s how desperate I was feeling for something familiar, something I understood even if I knew it was bad for me. My friends reminded me what a dumb choice it would be, specifically Hal. H. Harris said “You go back to exes for a need of closure. The closure is a product of white supremacist romance. So leave that circle unbroken.”
That felt like getting slapped back to reality, I don’t need the past, I don’t want the past, and for crying out loud I didn’t want it when I had the opportunity to have it, so why would I go backward? because as I said it feels familiar in a world where everything around me is changing so hard.
So yeah, that’s my week, how’s yours going?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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