I’ve been stuck watching The Royals, with little more to do than watch television and write. And I’ve been thinking about relationships. We do so much harm to each other, in an effort to pursue what we think will make us happy.
As human beings, we struggle so much with emotions, and we don’t talk about how much we struggle until it’s far too late. As a child I thought my parents had everything figured out, I thought they knew what they were doing and what was supposed to happen, I thought they had prepared themselves, for parenthood.
Turns out parents are full of shit, did you know this? Did you know they teach you what they know, and only what they know so that the trauma of being raised by crappy parents means that really the anger and rage you feel belong nowhere?
Because if your parents fucked up, that probably means their parents fucked up, and so on and so forth.
Every single day, grown-ass adults are out there adulting, having no idea that they are passing on the same trauma as the adults that came before them because we don’t really sit down and talk about generational trauma.
What the fuck.
Originally tweeted by Devon J Hall – Author (@LoudMthBrownGrl) on January 29, 2023.
Parents. Repeat. What They Heard.
No one ever said that to me before, I didn’t know parents fucked up, which must mean that parents are allowed to fuck up and I’m allowed to decide if I want to forgive them or not, and honestly? I kinda do.
All this anger, rage, and pain, that I’m holding onto for parents and adults who didn’t protect me is really exhausting, so while I am no longer angry, I haven’t forgiven them, not yet. I can’t get justice because cops won’t investigate my case, okay fine, then I’m choosing not to forgive them, and that’s their punishment. It’ll have to be enough.
I have had an interestingly full life, in spite of the unrelenting trauma, in spite of the PTSD, I have had good friends, I have had great experiences and moments, and holy shit one of a kind experiences.
I am turning 40 this year and my abusers very much want me to be afraid, that’s what all abusers want.
So this year all I want for my birthday is for all those who are struggling to remember that they are not alone. It’s really hard out there to hold onto ourselves when we’ve been traumatized, abused, and broken down by bullying designed to make us think that we are unworthy.
It can be very lonely, but when we reach out to those who understand, things are a lot less stressful, so if you need to, reach out. Make sure that you ask for help. If you go this page, you’ll find links for those helplines everyone’s talking about. At the very least when you’re feeling at your most lonely, make a phone call. If I didn’t have my friends to lean on, I wouldn’t be here.
And that’s made up for a lot of lonely nights.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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