Demeter Delune is one of my favorite people on the planet. Starting with her name which is sexy as fuck and sounds like a badass warrior from another planet, to her expressions of sexual desire and need to share with the world a woman who is so powerful it almost hurts to write about how much I love this person.

Demeter is married and she is very open about the fact that her husband Damian, also a writer, lives in prison while she waits for him to get out. They work hard at their marriage and are very open with their struggles and challenges as partners and individual human beings.

I say this because I want to introduce you to Something Sinful. It’s a publication that I’ve been writing for. Demeter tends to lean toward writing about sex toys for now, but I’ve been using the space to write about my feelings about sex, which are traumatized, complicated, and stressful.

Writing about sex has never been easy for me, because as a kid when I would write very disturbing things about sex, I didn’t understand where it was coming from. With an adult gaze I can tell the stories that I was writing were about me talking about what was being done to me in a way that was fictional.

I won’t say it helped me figure out what was happening because it didn’t, but it gave me an outlet to deal with complicated feelings around sex. Now as I’m getting older though sex means something different to me. I can get off on my own, I don’t need help for that, so I am a lot more particular about who I want to have sex with now than I was as a child.

Being able to be consciously aware of who I am choosing to have sex with is a game changer. I don’t have to engage in survival sex ever again, because now I know that’s what I was doing. Moving from one guy to the next hoping he’d protect me from things I couldn’t explain because I didn’t even know it was happening.

Now I do know it happened, and so I struggle with the “I like sexual pleasure, but I was raped,” paradox, and other people’s opinions on the topic don’t help if you understand what I mean.

There are people who think that you should be able to get over being raped for decades, and some folks can, but it takes a lot of work. You have to be open and honest with your partner, and honestly not every partner deserves or needs that much honesty, so finding someone that you want to share that part of yourself with isn’t easy and honestly, I’m just not ready. I’m starting to just get to know myself.

Understanding my Blackness, my mixedness, and my sexuality is very complicated after years of not knowing that I was allowed to understand these things. Now that I do I feel stronger when I say “no” or “no thank you,” and I don’t take rejections seriously because it’s often mutual.

Something Sinful has opened a door to me exploring my sexuality a lot more and sharing complicated feelings with a wider audience, so please be sure to check it out as soon as possible. Especially because Demeter has the best ins on the best sex toys and I trust her implicitly.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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