Yup. Embarrassing fact three hundred and two thousand, my mother wakes me up in the morning not because I ask her to, but because she needs help and we often have different routines. If I had my way I’d sleep in until I woke up, I’d make some coffee, listen to some music, take a shower and get to work. But I don’t have that oh-so-delicious luxury. Yet. (Pay me.)
So I have to wait until after she’s gone before I can start my routine the way that it works for me. Which always starts with coffee, then some music, and then some time to sit and contemplate how lucky I am let me be very clear: This is a new routine.
Adding gratefulness time into my schedule isn’t easy because I spent so many years being rightfully bitter and angry about what I was experiencing, and I couldn’t see past my anger.
Now I’m starting to, but only because there are a lot of good things happening at once. It’s harder when I’m not busy promoting or doing work for me to see the forest for the trees.
Harder for me to find things to be grateful for, and harder for me to accept not being validated 24 7 by outside forces.
There is not a person on this planet, who doesn’t sometimes wish they were someone else, while simultaneously pretending they are the happiest person on earth. There are moments when we get sunk into the darkness, but when we keep moving forward it’s easier to believe we deserve to move forward. It’s the part where we stall.
It’s why I haven’t done a new t-shirt design since Halloween. for Christmas yet, and why I just hired someone else to do it for me. I can’t be arsed, I’m not able to create the way I want to, so I move on to something else, but not everyone has that ability.
Some of us understandably get stalled in the darkness and we can’t pull ourselves out, but I don’t have that luxury either. I have people depending on me showing how to do it so that they can get out too. And I’m doing my best, I just need y’all to be patient with me. I’m trying as hard as I can to get past these barriers to success.
Every day is a new challenge because I’m stuck between “I have to be Proof it can be done,” “no you really fucking don’t you could just do something else,” and “but I don’t want. todo anything else, so here is where I am, now what are you going to do?“
I am going to do whatever it takes, and if that means being sad sometimes okay, but I’m finding I much prefer being grateful, and not being grateful for a purpose, other than it just makes me feel happy to know I’m not alone in being grateful that I am where I am.
If you’re looking around and seeing nothing to be grateful for, then it’s time to shift the way you’re doing things, because you deserve to be grateful. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be free of misery and her petty little bitch friends.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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