So yesterday I went to lunch with my friend who also happens to be a registered Life Coach.
This is a beautiful, smart, powerful human being, who is fully aware of their own needs wants and desires and I admire that.
Largely we come from two totally different places. They want chemistry, romance, and partnership, and they want to build a full, encompassed life with another human being. I mostly just want someone willing to kill to protect me and mine, so I can keep writing without being bothered by abusers and trolls.
So we get to talking about they tell me about a person in their life, who recently tried to end a relationship. Now keep in mind in this partnership, the two in question are not having sex, and at least one person in the partnership, is more pal around friends, than in a “let’s build a future together,” type partnership.
That being said, the other person in this relationship, has other feelings, and clearly wants more with this person but allegedly is fine with the lack of intimacy and while I deeply understand that not everyone needs or wants a sexual relationship, the question at hand is: Is it fair for you to get what you want when the person you’re “with” is clearly not happy?
When I was 13 years old, an old friend tried to put an end to a boy/girl thing she wasn’t happy with, and although I didn’t want to be, I happened to be asked to be present. The young man, sweet, well-meaning and kind, refused to hear the words “this isn’t making me happy and it’s over now,” and I stood up for her and said, “yo, dude, it’s over, let it go.” Harsh? Maybe, but it was one of the few times in my life I was able to stand up for another girl and say “no, not okay.“
Emotional Security is A Huge Part of Intimacy, But So Is Emotional Maturity
When we’re reaching the point where the relationships we have are more about building a future with someone, instead of just hanging out and going to the films, we’re talking about an entirely different kind of emotional maturity skills that are required. As teenagers our emotions are all over the place, we’re growing, evolving, and learning. We’re still new to the planet, and still figuring out what most adults have known for decades, but we’re absolutely convinced that we can do it better or differently.
As adults, however, mental health, trauma, jobs, location, friendship groups, everything about your life changes, and so the way that you’d react to a breakup as an adult isn’t the same as when you were a child.
The problem is when someone says “I don’t want to do this,” and you start crying and they “change their mind,” they aren’t really changing their mind, they still don’t want to be with you, but you’ve made it impossible for them to walk away.
Mostly because they actually care, they want you to have a good life, they want you to be happy, they just don’t see where you fit into their lives, and or, where you fit into theirs.
This is totally fine, but some people can’t handle that, some people go back and forth with the same people expecting different results, stuck in a cycle of “I don’t want to be here,” but then adding into the mix “but I have excuses that all sound perfectly reasonable for why I’m doing something I clearly make a stink about not wanting to do.”
Hard Truth: Life Is Too Short To Force Yourself To Love Someone You Don’t Want To Be With, Just So They Won’t be Sad
I myself included, everyone in this group that I’m talking about is near or older than forty except for the one person who…unfortunately, doesn’t quite fit with the person they think they are building a relationship with, and that is super harsh.
They are much younger and have very different ideas of what a relationship should be, and likely haven’t discovered what they don’t know about their needs yet, which is fine. Everyone needs time to grow, explore, evolve, and fall into being their true selves. But that doesn’t mean that they get to blackmail you into being a part of a process, that is making you miserable.
You have only two choices in this situation. When you’re ending something, regardless of the reason, someone’s going to be hurt, but at the end of the day, if you’re the one realizing that you’re not happy, then you’re the one with the power and control to end the relationship.
Manipulative or emotionally unprepared folk will try very hard to make you look like the bad person in the story, but the truth is that there is actually no law in North America or many other countries and continents around the planet, that demand that you remain in a relationship with someone you don’t connect with.
Know When To Let Go
Like me, the person who told me the story above told me another story about another person who they recently broke up with. Very sweet human, very kind, just you know…” it” isn’t there. “I won’t give up on you,” has been the response to the breakup.
In theory that’s really sweet. “Oh, you care enough to fight for me,” but at a certain point – and that point should be decided by the person being chased, not the person doing the chasing, you have to decide to shut that shit down.
“I won’t let you go,” is creepy, and stalker’s shit, and when someone – specifically a victim or a survivor of trauma in my case – says “nope, not for me,” respect that. Honour that, be there as a friend if you’d like, but get rid of the idea of being jealous or insecure about other people being in their life.
We – especially women – by the age of 39-40-45, are fucking tired. We’ve been through a lot, MAYBE we want to settle down, but WE get to decide who we settle down with and if we don’t choose you, PLEASE try to respect that. We all deserve to be loved, but we don’t deserve to demand and control it.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Coming To Surrey BC on October 10th, 2022