I guess I never really thought about how important January is to me. January is the month of new beginnings, of brand new starts, seedlings, and fresh life. I know that some people think of spring as all of that, but January is the start of the cycle.
January is the end of the old, for sure, and the beginning of whatever is yet to come, and whatever comes is always so filled with so much potential. Before we get hit with massive doses of reality before we get hit by massive doses of “WHAT THE FUCK,” January brings hope, and the world is in deep need of so much hope right now.
I am hopeful this year is going to be different, like so many people out there, and I am not interested in the crushing disappointment that comes from the new year being like years in the past.
Sometimes it’s not enough to change your perspective. I was speaking with someone the other day who gave me the world’s best quote.
“I think it’s just time for me to sit and learn, and figure out where I fit until then, I think it’s time to remain quiet for a while.” – CH
Change your PERSPECTIVE and the World WILL Change with YOU first. <- Bullshit
There are so many times I can look back and see where it was time for me to learn, but I was so headstrong about proving that I knew it all and had all the answers, and oftentimes I did because I really am that smart, but in those moments instead of being celebrated for being right, I was ridiculed and stomped on, because that was easier for the person(s) doing the stomping.
I’m not living like that anymore, from now on I am doubling down on what it is that I want from the Universe, and I am going to work my ass off until I get it, and I am not going to let anyone or anything stomp on me again.
It’s easy to say that, it’s a powerful sentence, isn’t it? “I am strong, I can handle this?” But what if I can’t? “Well, you can do anything, cause you’re Devon.” It’s the first day of 2022 as I write this, and if I am being 100% honest…I am not in the mood to be the strong one today. I need a break. I am tired.
When some people say tired, they mean sleep, they mean a few days off. I need rejuvenation and I don’t know how to get it.
The days of me being free and frolicking around the emotional landscape of trauma are not over, as much as I wish they were. I wish I could forget what was done to me, I wish I could forget and just move on, but as much as I want to, I know there are people out there, just like me, who need someone like me, to keep going.
I get that. I get that the moment that I chose to be the Loud Mouth Brown Girl I was making a promise to myself and to others, but right now I am tired, and it’s not just a matter of “taking a break,” because what does that even mean?
For me, if I am not writing, then my life has no meaning, and so I keep writing, and I keep hoping that I get better, stronger, smarter, faster, and more secure in my position.
I am climbing ladders that I didn’t fully sign up to climb because the option of ending my life just doesn’t appeal to me. Look, I’ve thought about this from all angles, and I know that I am right in what I am about to say.
- There are no television shows in Heaven, and there sure as fuck ain’t any in Hell that don’t involve Trump like rhetoric.
- Which means that the many actors and actresses I love won’t be there, and those that will, have been there too long to want to hang out with me.
- Which also means I’ll be alone, even more so there than I am here, so giving up you see, is just not an option.
- Because the only thing you can do in Heaven is whatever you want and then you don’t have to actually earn anything.
If you’re in Heaven you live happily ever after if you’re in Hell you are punished for eternity, and if you live on Earth you struggle until you figure out what works for you so that you can thrive in this ever-growing planetarium of lifeforms.
There are cities, and countries, and small towns that I’ve never heard of that I am dying to explore, that I am living every breath of my entire life, to get to. And because they exist, I have a reason to keep fighting, so that I can see if I can get there, just so that I can say that I did.
That’s just one of a dozen reasons why even on days when I want to end my life, I choose not to, because Hope gives me just enough fuel to keep me going through the days that are tough and scary and filled with anxiety and ptsd.
My mantra this year is “I can do this.” Because I know the most important thing on this planet isn’t that I live just to say that I did, but so that I can help others who didn’t think they would either.
You can do this.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall