IF AFTER READING THIS POST YOU NEED FURTHER HELP PLEASE REACH OUT TO ONE OF THE NUMBERS ON THE LIST LINKED BELOW. I am so sorry I had to share it this way, but I am tired so damned tired, of pretending that bad stuff only happens to kids, and then it’s over. Gang and traumatic life experiences don’t end when you exit gangs or escape abusers, it’s a lifelong battle that will never fully go away.
Keep Going…You Can Do It
Seconds ago the verdict came through. I know I said I wouldn’t be writing for the rest of this year, but this one matters too much for me not to say something. I know that there are a lot of people who are celebrating today, but underneath the celebration is a sting that will never go away for the victims of Jefferey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. Personally, I hope both these evil twats rot in hell, but since that’s not likely let’s talk about what this now looks like for the victims and survivors.
There will be nightmares of what happened, and questions about why no one came to rescue the girls in the moment. The survivors will live with these dreams forever, but that being said now that there has been a moment of justice, a small prick to the large balloon of trauma, we have to hope that they have some peace. Hope is not fact. You can hope until the cows come home to roost or whatever, but the reality is that these women are not going to sleep easily tonight, tomorrow, or even next week. It’s going to take a very long time, and probably a lot of therapy before they are ready to fully pack it all back up and put it away.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is going to take some time to deal with. Loud noises, perhaps even soft noises, the need to hide when you accidentally bruise yourself, the moments of “should I wear this or is it going to put me in danger?” are going to be plentiful, the desire to be your full self in spit of what you’ve been through is going to take time. It’s going to take patience, and not everyone around you is going to understand that walking out in the open, causes panic attacks, that you can’t explain because if you do, you’ll sound insane.
Anxiety is a part of PTSD, but it’s also a part of trying to heal from PTSD. Because you’re constantly trying to show everyone that you’re fine, you’re constantly anxious that you are not “acting” fine, which of course only makes everything worse because people want you to be fine, but they don’t know how to make you feel safe, because you are the only one who knows what will help, and often what helps you, makes others call you the weird one. I know this for a fact.
Five out of six charges mean that 1 victim did not have their story validated in a court of law, which means that some part of this person is going to wonder forever if justice was really served. It’s a natural feeling, and it’s not enough because there were more girls, across the globe, girls like myself, who will never see the court of law validate our pain, our experiences, our journey’s or our trauma because there isn’t enough evidence.
That 1 Jane Doe victim is going to be depressed, and in her heart at some point, she’s going to whisper “okay that’s great, but what about me?” The best thing you can do as a supporter of a survivor, is to remember that our voices are valid, even if we don’t get justice in a courtroom or the streets, and because our voices are valid, we just need you to ride the wave with us and be understanding in that it could take one year, or ten years, to feel better. Suck it up, it’s not our fault, we didn’t choose this.
The False Freedom Flag
Some of you out there think that Maxwell going to prison means that we are free now. It doesn’t. It means that the jury found her ugly evil disgusting soul guilty, but that doesn’t mean that we’re free, because now we know what to look for, we know what the signs are that showcase how evil people can be, and we will constantly, and consistently looking for anyone and everyone who might want to hurt us again.
We will never be fully free because we know far too much about what the journey from victim to survivor looks like, we know how hard WE have to fight to have OUR voices heard. “I was raped by a celebrity,” often sounds crazy to those who don’t understand that fame doesn’t make you a good person, is much like vampirism, only enhances your worst qualities. Marilyn Manson ring a bell for anyone?
When I came out of the closet to tell people that I had been raped by a very famous rapist who got his start here in Canada before moving to the USA, people told me that I was crazy and that I sounded psychotic, and they did nothing about it.
And when he got 120 years in prison I cried, but I wasn’t crying because I was happy, I was crying because it took more than 20 years and so many victims for the truth to come out and I wasn’t one of the ones who had her story heard by anyone who was official that would believe me. So I know how it feels.
It doesn’t mean that justice isn’t served, and it doesn’t mean that this is a bad thing, it just means that there is a long road of healing ahead for those who survive the evil traumatizing bullshit that is childhood sex trafficking.
No matter what the cops, the family members, friends, fans, or allies, think of you, your journey is personal, and when you come forward there will be those who believe you, those who don’t, and those who taunt you about shit they cannot possibly understand.
So while you’re celebrating the evil bitch from hell returning to the place she came from, do us all a favor, and remember us too.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
P.S. Tell em I said to throw away the fucking key.