I’ve been watching this show called something or other, about a bunch of women who basically make a bunch of money and then talk behind each other’s back, because it’s Christmas and I categorically refuse to watch Christmas films where everyone’s happy and fake and the happy ending is always “they lived happily ever after.”
And so four seasons in I hear the phrase “they’re just jealous.” No. You’re an asshole.
When you hurt someone, when you tell lies, when you manipulate people into believing that you’re the innocent one, when you act a fool as they say, and then act like people just should get over it, because YOU’RE ready to move on, you’re an asshole.
It’s literally that simple.
If you treat people like shit, if you lie, if you put their lives at risk, they will fight back, and just because you’ve decided that you’re going to change the narrative and lie about what happened (on fucking camera no God damned less – or otherwise for that matter,) you better make sure that your lies are iron tight.
There are people in my past who are absolutely pissed that I speak out about what happened to me because what happened to me had a direct result on their lives, or is having a direct result on their lives still, but that isn’t my burden to carry. MY burden is to make sure that I tell my truth as I know it, as best that I can, to make sure that what happened to girls like me, never happens again.
That all being said, I’m still apologetic that my choices hurt others, but I am not going to apologize for saving my own life using the only way I knew how at the time which was to write about it.
I only did that because I didn’t have anyone here at home to listen, and so I Pelican Brief(ed) it by making sure that as many people as possible knew, so that I’d be safe, and the people that I love and care about would be safe. But all that being said, the lies that I told when I was still hiding what happened to me, weren’t designed to destroy the lives of those around me.
These people that think they can say and do whatever they want and get away with it, and then are genuinely angry that you don’t forgive them on their terms are fucking ridiculous. The hurt remains even though you’re the one who’s ready to let go.
I am sure that each and every one of my rapists would prefer that I never speak on rape again, that I forgive them, but the problem is that their actions sent real people to prison for crimes I’m not sure the ones that I believe are innocent committed. Their crimes destroyed lives, ended some in cases, and nearly destroyed mine.
“Oh but Devon that’s so extreme, not every case is like that.” No, not every case of gaslighting behavior revolves around rape, torture, and trauma, but my points are valid nonetheless.
People who are willing to gaslight you, are always going to be the people who forget that there are 3 sides to every story, and their side is never going to match the other two, because gaslighters often spend a great deal of time crafting lies, either behind the shadows or to your face, and the face of everyone you know.
“X Is n Asshole. X will always destroy your life to save their own because X doesn’t give a fuck about you. But they pretend they do by wrapping their evil in concern for your best interest at heart.“ Devon J Hall
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
― Rita Mae Brown
The lies will always grow more elaborate as time goes on, and no one will ever think to ask twice because “they would never ever do that.” Well yes, clearly they would, that’s why we’re telling you that X did that thing that no one is allowed to talk about.
And on and on it goes. This is constant human behavior that writers specifically use to write new stories for characters like Milificiant, The Evil Queen, and The Snow Queen. Sure they have reasons for being horrible people, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are still horrible at being human.
Being horrible at being human comes from bad conditioning, parents, bullies, all kinds of horrible outside forces, but at the end of the day, kindness is a choice. Like everything in life.
When you choose to behave, on purpose, in a way that is ignorant and abusive, eventually the people around you start to talk and put the pieces back together when it comes to the time that they have spent with you.
And when they do the truth is going to come out, and when it does those who are innocent, those who have been burned by you, will sit back sip their wine from a ginger ale bottle, (don’t judge me,) and nod quietly.
I’ve been at the receiving end of this kind of behavior for so long, so many times, that now that I recognize the signs of gaslighting and abuse, the idea of me going backward is completely different than it used to be.
I won’t take it anymore. When I want to say no, I am going to say no, and that no is going to last forever. I will never change my mind, because oftentimes for me changing my mind always ends up with me being in danger too many times to count.
Now that I am in a place of healing, sitting here and watching these reality shows because I have way too much time on my hands (seriously movie deal ASAP!,) I am starting to recognize the behavior with these celebrities that I saw in my own friend groups, the only difference now is that I have words to put toward the behavior.
Abusive people think they can abuse and get away with it because too often they have been allowed to get away with it because back in the day that’s what we did.
I will never forget when a fellow radio station volunteer told me that I was “too intimidating” and that I needed to “tone yourself down,” my response was no, I don’t think I will, and I left the following week.
I will never again tone myself down, but nor will I use my ability to intimidate to hurt others on purpose, that’s just not who I am.
I worked really hard to find my inner self, to find the weakest part of me and forge her into a weapon that is not to be messed with, but knowing that, knowing when and how to use that weapon THAT’S the power that everyone craves.
“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this, they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. They don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends, or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.”
― Shannon L. Alder
When you take your power, when you cry the fake tears, when you tear down walls that people build up and make promise after promise that things are going to change but never actually do anything to make that change, people stop caring about your reasons, and your reasons stop being reasons and start being excuses. Exucses get people killed in my world, so no, I don’t have time to wait for you to apologize. I’ve already moved on.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 