When your life is in a constant flux between safety and danger, the world can seem like a really overwhelming place. Through this program I am taking, I am learning to push the clutter to one side, and pull out only the pieces that I need.
In truth I started this mental cleansing process weeks and years ago, but it is only recently that I’ve realized that this process is incredibly important to me.
For years my brain was stuck on “survive”, and lately of all days, today specifically, I am realizing that a lot of the stuff that I’ve been holding onto, the secrets, the shame, the guilt, fear, anxiety, the PTSD of it all, isn’t mine to carry.
I can only control what I am capable of holding onto, and I am not capable of hating myself anymore because other people think I should.
Yes I have missing teeth.
Yes I am fat.
Yes I am tired a lot.
Yes I am frustrated that I can’t just be normal. I very much think that I am a genius, but in knowing that I am incredibly smart, I’ve also come to realize that because so many people have spent 38 years trying to convince me that I am stupid, I have to re-train my brain, to relearn how to think otherwise, even though thinking otherwise used to be incredibly natural to me.
I survived 30+ years of brainwashing, sexual abuse, trauma, and PTSD, and that ain’t no small feat. I survived a small hunting party’s size worth of rapists, at least 28, and that’s a lot.
I am still here, so maybe I do have some skills that are valuable, but in order to discover what they are, I needed to take time to discover what it is that I personally, value.
My friend, and life coach Jessika from Glitter N Grace Life Coaching has helped me do this by giving me a list of words and asking me to start by picking twenty.
The exercise is simple: You start by picking twenty words, and then you whittle that down to ten. I was able to whittle it down to 13, and I chose that number because the number 13 specifically, is incredibly important to my life.
The thirteen words I chose are:
Spirituality Justice Creativity Financial Freedom Success Balance Bravery Compassion Connection Comfort Challenge Leadership Consistancy
I would like to say that these words have no specific order, but I honestly think that they are in the exact right order. Above all else I believe in my Spirituality, even if I can’t explain what it means to me, or what it is specifically, I know there is something in my life much greater than myself, at work.
Justice is important because of what happened to me, and what happens to billions of people around the earth every day. Creativity allows me to exorcise how I feel about what I’ve been through and where I want to go.
Financial Freedom isn’t just about me having enough to eat, and a place to stay, it’s about being able to help others when I am able, because there were always others who helped me when I needed them to.
I want to be Successful, because lets be honest who wants to be a failure? But also because being successful means that I have at least tried to leave this world in a better condition then when I found it. I want Balance because I don’t want to teeter too much from one side to the other. I want to remain fair in as many places as I can be, and I want to teach this lesson to my children.
Bravery is important to me because in large part I have spent a life time trying to be brave, and succeeding at it, without realizing that this is what I was doing.
Compassion for others is super important to me, because I remember what it was like to have people call me a lighter and try to gaslight me into saying that I was lying when I was telling the truth, because me being a liar made their lives better and my life worse in favor of making their lives better. I also want to learn to be compassion to myself, WITHOUT GUILT, because I spend so much time telling myself that I don’t deserve compassion, that I am the bad guy instead of my rapists.
I need Connection, I need to connect to others so that I am not alone, and I want to be able to reach out my hand and hold theirs so that they know they are also not alone. This is not an easy thing to do, to connect to others when we’ve been burned so badly, but having connection to the earthly realm as well as the spiritual realm I believe, is how we hold onto the parts of our humanity that we need the most.
I need Comfort the same way that I need Challenges in my life. Comfort allows me to sooth the scars and still healing wounds of the past, and Challenges allow me to push forward and keep moving instead of allowing me the space that I claim to crave when I say that I want to give up.
Leadership is not a role that I am yet ready to accept, which is funny because my entire life I wanted to be a leader, but I didn’t know how. The things that I have been through have gone a long way to pushing me toward learning what I am looking for in a leader, and my work with Jessika and the group is allowing me the space to learn how to form the skills I’ve gained, into aspects that would make me a good leader.
Consistency is important to me specifically because for so many years I was unreliable and totally not dependable. I didn’t really know how to be, because I was too busy stumbling through life, now I want to build foundations for my future, and in order to do that, I need to start learning how to be consistent now.
Each of these thirteen words were not chosen lightly, but with deep thought and careful consideration after much deep and introspective thought about what I have been through, and the horrors that I have seen.
That being said, I’ve also seen some beautiful and wonderful things, I’ve seen some truly majickal and mystical things that I couldn’t explain if I honestly tried.
So with Jessika’s permission I decided to add the list of value words to give you the chance to do the exercise yourself and see if it helps point you in a direction that you want to be in.
Good luck.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Instructions:
Of the 300 words (oh my Goddess, so many words,) choose 20 thank you THINK matter to you the absolute most. With or without thinking about what these words mean to you.
Take a night, and then pick 10 of the 20 original words, and those are where your values lie.
Alternatively, as a Blog task, you could take each of these words and use them to describe what they mean to you, and why they matter to your life.
Are you ready? Here are the words:
1. Abundance 2. Acceptance 3. Accessibility 4. Accomplishment 5. Accuracy 6. Achievement 7.Acknowledgement 8. Activeness 9. Adaptability 10. Adoration Adroitness 12. Adventure 13. Affection 14. Affluence 15. Aggressiveness 16. Agility 17. Alertness 18. Altruism 19. Ambition 20. Amusement 21. Anticipation Appreciation 23. Approachability 24. Articulacy 25. Assertiveness 26. Assurance 27. Attentiveness 28. Attractiveness 29. Audacity 30. Availability 31. Awareness 32. Awe 33. Balance 34. Beauty 35. Being the best 36. Belonging 37. Benevolence 38. Bliss 39. Boldness 40. Bravery 41. Brilliance 42. Buoyancy 43. Calmness Camaraderie 45. Candor 46. Capability 47. Care 48. Carefulness 49. Celebrity 50. Certainty 51. Challenge 52. Charity 53. Charm 54. Chastity 55. Cheerfulness 56.Clarity 57. Cleanliness 58. Clear-mindedness 59. Cleverness 60. Closeness 61. Comfort 62. Commitment 63. Compassion 64. Completion 65. Composure 66. Concentration 67. Confidence 68. Conformity 69. Congruence 70. Connection 71. Consciousness 72. Consistency 73. Contentment 74. Continuity 75. Contribution 76. Control 77. Conviction 78. Conviviality 79. Coolness 80. Cooperation 81. Cordiality 82. Correctness 83. Courage 84. Courtesy 85. Craftiness 86. Creativity 87. Credibility 88. Cunning 89. Curiosity 90. Daring 91. Decisiveness 92. Decorum 93. Deference 94. Delight 95. Dependability 96. Depth 97. Desire 98. Determination 99. Devotion 100. Devoutness 101. Dexterity 102. Dignity 103. Diligence 104. Direction 105. Directness 106. Discipline 107. Discovery 108. Discretion 109. Diversity 110. Dominance 111. Dreaming 112. Drive 113. Duty 114. Dynamism 115. Eagerness 116. Economy 117. Ecstasy 118. Education 119. Effectiveness 120. Efficiency 121. Elation 122. Elegance 123. Empathy 124. Encouragement 125. Endurance 126. Energy 127. Enjoyment 128. Entertainment 129. Enthusiasm 130. Excellence 131. Excitement 132. Exhilaration 133. Expectancy 134. Expediency 135. Experience 136. Expertise 137. Exploration 138. Expressiveness 139. Extravagance 140. Extroversion 141. Exuberance 142. Fairness 143. Faith144. Fame 145. Family 146. Fascination 147. Fashion 148. Fearlessness 149. Ferocity 150. Fidelity 151. Fierceness 152. Financial independence 153. Firmness 154. Fitness 155. Flexibility 156. Flow 157. Fluency 158. Focus 159. Fortitude 160. Frankness 161. Freedom 162. Friendliness163. Frugality164. Fun165. Gallantry166. Generosity167. Gentility 168. Giving169. Grace170. Gratitude 171. Gregariousness172. Growth173. Guidance 174. Happiness 175. Harmony 176. Health 177. Heart 178. Helpfulness 179. Heroism 180. Holiness 181. Honesty 182. Honor 183. Hopefulness 184. Hospitality 185. Humility 186. Humor 187. Hygiene 188. Imagination 189. Impact 190. Impartiality 191. Independence 192. Industry 193. Ingenuity 194. Inquisitiveness 195. Insightfulness 196. Inspiration 197. Integrity 198. Intelligence 199. Intensity 200. Intimacy 201. Intrepidness 202. Introversion 203. Intuition 204. Intuitiveness 205. Inventiveness 206. Investing 207. Joy 208. Judiciousness 209. Justice 210. Keenness 211. Kindness 212. Knowledge 213. Leadership 214. Learning 215. Liberation 216. Liberty 217. Liveliness 218. Logic 219. Longevity 220. Looking good 221. Love 222. Loyalty 223. Majesty 224. Making a difference 225. Mastery 226. Maturity 227. Meekness 228. Mellowness 229. Meticulousness 230. Mindfulness 231. Modesty 232. Motivation 233. Mysteriousness 234. Nature 235. Neatness 236. Nerve 237. Obedience 238. Open-mindedness 239. Openness 240. Optimism 241. Order 242. Organization 243. Originality 244. Outlandishness 245. Outrageousness 246. Passion 247. Peace 248. Perceptiveness 249. Perfection 250. Perkiness 251 Perseverance 252. Persistence 253. Persuasiveness 254. Philanthropy 255. Piety 256. Playfulness 257. Pleasantness 258. Pleasure 259. Poise 260. Polish 261. Popularity 262. Potency 263. Power 264. Practicality 265. Pragmatism 266. Precision 267. Preparedness 268. Presence 269. Privacy 270. Proactivity 271.Professionalism 272. Prosperity 273. Prudence 274. Punctuality 275. Purity 276. Realism 277. Reason 278. Reasonableness 279. Recognition 280. Recreation 281. Refinement 282. Reflection 283. Relaxation 284. Reliability 285. Religiousness 286. Resilience 287. Resolution 288. Resolve 289. Resourcefulness 290. Respect 291. Rest 292. Restraint 293. Reverence 294. Richness 295. Rigor 296. Ritual 297. Sacredness 298. Sacrifice 299. Sagacity 300. Saintliness 301. Sanguinity 302. Satisfaction 303. Security 304. Self-control 305. Selflessness 306. Self-reliance 307. Sensitivity 308. Sensuality 309. Serenity 310. Service 311. Sexuality 312. Sharing 313. Shrewdness 314. Significance 315. Silence 316. Silliness 317. Simplicity 318. Sincerity 319. Skillfulness 320. Solidarity 321. Solitude 322. Soundness 323. Speed 324. Spirit 325. Spirituality 326. Spontaneity 327. Spunk 328. Stability 331. Strength 332. Structure 333. Success 34. Support 335. Supremacy 336. Surprise 337. Sympathy 338. Synergy 339. Teamwork 340. Temperance 341. Thankfulness 342. Thoroughness 343. Thoughtfulness 344. Thrift 345. Tidiness 346. Timeliness 347. Traditionalism 348. Tranquility 349. Transcendence 350. Trust 351. Trustworthiness 352. Truth 353. Understanding 354. Unflappability 355. Uniqueness 356. Unity 357. Usefulness 358. Utility 359. Valor 360. Variety 361. Victory 362. Vigor 363. Virtue 364. Vision 365. Vitality 366. Vivacity 367. Warmth 368. Watchfulness 369. Wealth
That’s it, good luck!!
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 