Why is it so difficult to tell someone you aren’t interested in them? I’ve had it happen to me more than once, and yeah it hurt, but I grew up, I got over it, and I moved on. I will say that I appreciated the honesty, even if it stung, much more than I would have the wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.
When I was told that someone wasn’t interested in me, I legit moved on, they didn’t see me as someone who could add romantic value to their life, okay, someone else will.
Yes I felt alone, and yes I felt scared, but the important part was the fact that the people who told me they weren’t interested in me, were considerate enough of my feelings to trust that they could be honest with me.
They believed that I was the kind of person who could handle rejection, and each of them were rather kind about it, considering the circumstances. The truth was that I was not in the place where I should have been, had I really wanted a relationship.
Yeah I said all the right things, and I pointed my life in such a direction that it looked like I was looking for a relationship, but really what I was looking for was someone to protect me from all the dark shit that was happening.
Given my mental health state right now, I am fully aware that getting into a relationship would just add one more layer of pressure to my experience that I am not ready or interested in handling.
I am fully aware that I am too keenly attached to this world, to everything that happens in it. I say a prayer for every death, every day, sometimes several times a day. I feel the pain and the sorrow of COVID, and gang shootings, and Nazi rallies, I feel too intensely all the pain that the world carries, even though I am in my home, living my life through a metal and plastic box.
I feel it all, and that’s because I immerse myself in terabits of information every single day. If I am not watching Elementary I am watching the news, focusing on what new terrible awful apocalyptic event is happening in the world.
I am constantly triggered by anxiety from construction workers, and then by issues that I have with my mom that she knows nothing about because I refuse to really talk to her about what I am going through.
I am a fucking emotional mess. I have so much baggage I might need trains, planes, and automobiles to carry it all.
I know for a fact that were I to try and add a relationship on top of all of this it would fail, it would fail so badly that the history books for the next six centuries would talk about how bad this next first in awhile relationship is going to be, or will have been.
Which is why I deliberately stay single. I am fully aware of my good sides, and my faults, and I know what I can handle and what I can not, and I also know for a fact, that those of you who are searching for love, and choosing to ghost someone, because you’re no longer interested are selfish, immature, little brats, who can’t handle anyone else’s emotions.
Which makes you super selfish, so maybe if you can’t have the real conversation about why something may not work out, then you probably shouldn’t be dating.
There are a few different kinds of daters out there:
- Those who are dating to have fun, have someone to hang out with, and go on adventures with.
- Those who are dating because they are seriously into having a long term relationship and possibly find someone to marry.
- Those who just want to get laid, and will more often than not try to bypass the actual “dating” part just so they can get you into bed. This is men, women, and everyone in between, so stop pointing fingers, it’s ALL of us.
All three of these kinds of relationships require healthy boundaries, and the ability to be honest with where you are emotionally, but why do all the work of being emotionally honest when you can just lie through your fucking teeth and skip all the hard stuff?
Because if you’re skipping the fucking hard stuff, (ha ha ha) then you aren’t learning anything, and if you aren’t learning anything, you aren’t growing.
This goes beyond just treating people with respect, it’s about having respect for yourself. It’s about caring that when you leave someone’s life, for whatever reason, you leave knowing you did the best that you could by them, instead of taking from them only to discard them like yesterday’s trash.
I left a lot of relationships in a less than healthy way, in one case I lied to a former friend and told her if she ever called me again I’d call social services. I needed to burn that toxic bridge so bad that it could never be rebuilt. Thankfully she never called me again, so I never called social services. Also thankfully, someone else DID call social services, and those kids were taken to a place where they are very much loved and respected. (I hope.)
With the men in my life, it was a simple “I don’t think this is going to work out,” usually from their side, but sometimes from mine too, and I moved on, and I’ve spent a lot of years thinking about those men and they all have one thing in common.
They left quietly, and respectfully.
I don’t know what they may have said behind my back, and I don’t give a fuck, I don’t talk about them often, and when I do it’s almost always respectfully, with the exception of one or two, and that’s because for the most part things were good with some of the men in my life.
Some, not all, clearly.
Those that came into my life as friends and turned into foes by their own choice? I don’t talk about them either, unless pushed too, it’s not a sign of respect, it’s a sign that I have moved on from those tenuous or deep relationships.
I’ve grown up, and I no longer feel the need to “ghost” someone because I don’t want them in my life anymore. Life is too short to leave people hanging, without being a part of the reason that they feel bad about themselves.
There are a lot of people who deserve to feel bad about the decisions that they make, but YOU don’t have to be the reason that they feel that way. YOU can be the person that politely says “I’m sorry, I don’t think this is working out.”
The rules of you having to explain why you don’t want them in your life are bullshit. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, but you can at least give them the curtesy of saying “I just don’t want to.”
In this day and age, especially for women, it’s difficult to say no without that lingering fear that something bad is going to happen to you. Which is why I’m mostly talking to men.
If you want us to respect you, if you want us to be loyal, if you want us to keep your secrets, than damned well give us a reason to.
Sending all my love to the single women out there,
Devon J Hall
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