I’ve been thinking a lot about my past lately, I can’t seem to help it. It feels often like my past has a vice grip on my right ankle specifically, and refuses to let go, and I know that many of you out there can understand how that feels.
There are a lot of people in my past who think they know this person that I am today, but the thing that so many of them don’t understand, is that I have changed soo much since they knew me. Which tells me that I am not the same person that they knew.
Recently the question was posed “would you give up your life as it is now, so that someone else can live longer?” I stayed silent for a very long few moments before I realized, no, I do not want to give up my life so that someone else can live. I do not want to die, so that someone else can live their lives, because I am not ready to die, or to give up my life.
I’m not Jesus. I haven’t finished what I’ve come here to do. I still have to finish writing my book, I have to win awards, I have to have a family, get married, live happily ever after, and somewhere in the middle make a ton of money, because that’s why I am here damnit, and I haven’t done any of that stuff, so no I am not ready to die yet.
In response to my answer, I was called every name in the book, including but not limited to, “selfish” and all I could think was “isn’t it more selfish to ask someone you hate, and have actively treated like crap for years, to die, so that you can live? Why do I have to be the selfish one?”
I think that we seriously need to re-think what certain words mean. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to keep living, and if it is selfish, well then I’ll wear that title proudly, because damnit I have survived, and given up a lot, to be the Loud Mouth Brown Girl.
I’ve lost every person I have ever loved from my life, either through their behavior, or their death, or my behavior for that matter. I’ve given up jobs, self respect, dignity, and everything that comes with being human, so that I could be “this” version of myself, and you want me to give that up because you think your life matters more than mine does?
How is that not selfish in its own right? Oh right, because you’re a white woman, I forgot. Yes, this is a real thing that happened to me recently.
The entitlement that some people feel is overwhelming, and can be incredibly destructive to the lives of those around them, and what kills me is that the same people that tell you that you’re the selfish one, for not sacrificing everything you care about, for people that treat you like crap, for people that hate you, can’t be bothered to recognize their own selfishness, and that in of itself, can be incredibly frustrating to deal with.
Today they call it gaslighting, “you didn’t do what I want you to do, so I am going to shame you into doing it, or make you feel terrible for not doing it the way that I would do it, so that you do what I want you to do.”
Or, here’s a thought, I could ignore the fuck out of you, and do my own thing, and be happy with my choices, because I know that my choices don’t actually hurt anyone, even though you want to pretend that my choosing to keep my life, and choosing not to kill myself is actually a healthy choice.
If you really need ME to die, so that YOU can live, you can kiss my fat Black ass, it’s not fucking happening. I am not leaving this planet until I am good and ready to leave this planet, and if you have a problem with that, then YOU are going to have to figure out how to deal with that problem, because I can’t help you.
There are certain things in this life that I have full control over, whether or not I die, is not one of them, but what I absolutely know for sure, is that I am not going to choose to slit my wrists, on the off chance, that my sacrifice, will save another person’s life, as I was asked to do. Like are you kidding me? Who the fuck do you think you are DW?
I could say all the terrible things you said to me, I could reiterate all the times you bullied me, emotionally abused me, and the number of friendships that YOU ruined out of jealousy, rage, and anger issues, but instead I’ll say this, you’re a fucking lunatic, and you need therapy.
When you are actively spending your life hoping for someone else’s life to be destroyed, just because you think the destruction of their life, will make your life better, you need to seriously look at your life choices and your priorities.
I am not inherently a selfish person. I spent my 20s helping people getting off drugs, providing meals for people, giving youth a safe place to go at least once or twice a week, I spent my entire twenties doing whatever I could to make other people’s lives better, and now that I am finally trying to make my life better, I’m selfish? You don’t know how words work, and I feel sorry for you.
I talk about this today, on Easter Monday, because so many people who gaslight and emotionally abuse us, claim to be good Christians. They go to Church every Sunday, they donate their ten dollars to the church organization of their choice, and figure that’s all they have to do to get into Heaven, when in reality it is so much more than that.
It’s not about how much money you have and give, it’s how you treat people, before and after you have money.
I am not a perfect person, but I am not a bad person. I am a person who has been taught to be afraid of this world, largely because the color of my skin triggers in people who have lighter skin tones, this belief that because of the color of my skin, I am dangerous. Therefor I should be treated with less respect than my white counterparts, I hate to break it to you, but the real Jesus had Brown skin.
Just like me, and he’d be disgusted with how people who abuse, treat people. I know this because there are thousands of stories about how Jesus hated how the poor, the homeless, and the hungry, were treated, but don’t let that part of the stories of Jesus get in your way of being an asshole, it only counts if you decide it counts, right?
I have been kidnapped, raped, tortured, sexually abused, and gang raped more times than I can count without wanting to throw up. I have given this world enough, and I hate to keep harping on that, but at what point do I just get to say “enough is enough?” I am deciding that time is now.
I’ll say it again, I’m not Jesus, I wasn’t born to be the sacrificial lamb for everyone in the world, that’s not my purpose here, and it’s not yours either. What happened to Jesus sucked, it was completely unfair and uncalled for, but to literally ask someone else to die, just so that you MIGHT live longer? I don’t actually have the words to describe how angry and hurt I am by this request.
I get believing in spirituality, I am absolutely a spiritualist, but I’m done being a victim, and from where I’m standing, you’re just going to have to live with that. I’m sorry that my life doesn’t matter to you, I am sorry if you think that my existing is an inconvenience, but I wasn’t born for you. I was born so that I could live the life that I want to cultivate for myself, and you’re just going to have to suck it up and realize that our journeys are different.
I get to be selfish now, because damnit I’ve earned the right, and I am not going to feel bad about it just because you think that I should.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall