I was thinking today that I have been more proactive than I’ve been in awhile, largely because I’ve cleared out some of the clutter in my mind and I’ve made space for me to just be “me” again, but partially because today is just one of those majickal days when even though I feel like shit I am still able to get the work done. Thank you Cannabis.
I know there are a lot of posts out there that tell you that if you want to be a good ally, you have to look at your flaws, you have to check your behavior and make sure you are on the right side of things before you step up, and while that is certainly true, you also have to accept the good parts of yourself first and foremost.
Having privilege doesn’t automatically mean that you are a douchebag. It doesn’t automatically translate that just because you have money and power, that you of course haven’t struggled or suffered in some way. And I think that we forget that. Marly’s words come back to me again as I write this, “different levels different devils”.
In my life the devils are the people of my past, the people with all their drama and their insignificant complaints about how hard life was for them, when in some cases it wasn’t hard at all, and in other cases was just beyond tragic. For all our cries of “family” and “love”, the people I had in my life treated me like crap, and to a great degree I treated them like crap.
I wasn’t friends with those people, I was aligned with those people out of a need to preserve myself as much as I could so that I could get to this point. I know that sounds harsh, but those people were broken, they were just as fucked up and emotionally distraught and destroyed as I was.
Not in all cases, but in most cases, we were too drunk or high to really be there to support each other, and even when we tried to support each other, none of us really knew what we were doing because we were all in too much pain to know what the fuck we were doing.
That sense of self didn’t come for me until about now actually, largely because I was so deeply bogged down by the ideas, thoughts, cares, and concerns with others. In my twenties I spent a great deal of time taking care of other people’s children, which was a fucking terrible decision, no one should have left me with their kids, while nothing bad happened, I certainly had no fucking clue what the hell I was doing.
Every time someone left me alone with their kid, I just tried to do the best I could do so the kid(s) didn’t fucking die before mom came back, and thankfully I didn’t kill or traumatize any kids, but I fucking could have, because I was bat crap crazy back then.
I was so confused about who I was, I could see up from down, I couldn’t see in color, everything felt dull through my eyes, and it wasn’t until I started smoking cannabis that I realized I knew far more than I’d pretended to know for years, and I needed a place to put all that information so I didn’t drive myself crazy.
I went through a lot, largely rarely understanding why I was going through certain shit, largely confused about why the darkness kept wrapping around me, and I still don’t have a fucking answer as to why I became the football between the light and the dark, but I know that figuring that out pissed me off enough to create this website.
This space on the internet where I can say “this is what I need” and “this is how I need it.” I was listening to my podcast that I did with Reverend Kelly, and it hit me that yeah I might be a warrior but this warrior is fucking tiiiiired. She’s exhausted, and the problem with being a warrior is that you never get a break.
There’s always another battle, always another enemy, always someone who is trying to destroy you as you are trying to claim your own corner of the world. Whether it’s a neighbor, a sibling, a friend, a co-worker, someone is always out there saying some nonsensical bullshit about you in order to make themselves look better, and the only way to combat is to fucking accept yourself.
Accept that you don’t have all the answers, and the day you do have it all figured out is likely the day the universe will decide that it’s time for you to die. Understand that sometimes it’s okay to say no, sometimes it’s even better to say hell to the fuck no, because honestly you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else in the universe.
Yes, we’re all soldiers, each of us here on this earth are fighting for or against something, that’s just a fact. Some of us are just trained differently, but each and every life on this planet has a purpose, even if that purpose hurts you, the purpose doesn’t stop existing just because you decide that purpose has caused you harm.
Unfortunately you can’t fucking control everything, no matter how hard you try, because the truth will always out, in a million tiny majickal and wonderful ways, the truth will out and the world will be better for it.
All good things come to an end, there will be a time when this planet no longer exists, but it’s not today and it’s not tomorrow, so stop living as if it is. Live as if you have everything in the universe that you have to live for.
Yes you have a superpower, regardless of the color your skin comes in, or what genitals you are born with you have a super power. Discovering it should be fun, but unfortunately the world makes it look harder than it is, once you learn to accept your true self, as you see yourself, without the perceptions of others, you will find happiness.
The way to the WU isn’t through rap, it isn’t even through music, it’s through your heart, yeah sure RZA left a map, as did the clan, but the lesson is the most important part of the map, and the lesson only comes when you refuse to give up and you keep trying to better yourself not for God, not for man or woman, but for yourself.
Follow your heart, and it will lead you to greatness. These are the lessons that I learned in my twenties that I had to wait until my thirties to impark because it took me that long to look back and see how far I have come.
I have literally stood in my dreams on the road to hell, I have walked with Lucifer in my nightmares, and been freed from bondage by my abusers in both my dreams and reality. I know what pain feels like, I know what misery, shame, guilt, anxiety, and PTSD are, but I don’t connect to them anymore because I have let go and I am moving on. Or I am trying to.
There are people, places, and things on this planet that will fit you up perfectly for your journey and your battles, you just got to be willing to fight, to make your life matter. If to no one else then to yourself.
Yes it’s lonely being alone, and yes it’s scary thinking that no one is going to love you, but unfortunately if you don’t do the work to love yourself, no one else can, because you have to be the one who teaches people how to love you, so they can teach others for you when you can’t teach anymore.
I could go on for hours because I am stoned and I am as Necole Hines says, “coming into my own” in this moment, but I’ll end it with this. If you want to be a good ally, remember why it is you want to fight. If you’ve forgotten your reason then you’ll never be able to help anyone else.
Sending all my love to all the Warriors out there,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 