I have a few favorite quotes, if you’ve been reading this blog my number 1 favorite quote is from Joss Whedon’s Angel, where Angel says “The world is harsh and cruel, that’s why there’s us. Champions. We live as if the world were what it should be, to show it what it can be.”
The moment I heard that quote I gasped. It was the first time I had ever gasped at a television show before, or anything for that matter, and I will never forget it. I don’t remember where I was, or what I was wearing or even where we were living, but I remember the moment that I heard those words I thought “I wanna live that way.”
I haven’t gotten there yet, but I am trying – I will say “She’s not competition, she’s proof it can be done,” is my second favorite quote of all time.
I used to be the most jealous person on earth, I used to constantly compare myself to other girls and other women, and even other guys. I wanted to be like everyone else, because I wasn’t happy being who I am.
Now that I am much older, and much more wise, I realize that the women that I surround myself with empower me to believe that I can do it too. That I can be strong, powerful, entrepreneurial, and amazing just like they are.
I don’t think about “well that girl has what I want but I’ll never get it,” I think “it’s not for me,” and to clarify this isn’t every second of the day. Last night I curled up in a ball crying miserably about my life, and the things that I had been through. I talked out some things about my life out loud that were true, and I unravelled some lies. I had memory flashbacks about what happened, and who was there, and as it turns out…things weren’t as I thought they were originally.
When the memories of what happened came to me, it knocked me off my rocker, and they spent time making me think that I am never going to get where I want to go, but the truth is that I am going to get exactly where I want to be, when the time is right for me to be there. And nothing I do is going to change the fact that things are going to come to me when they are supposed to, not when I want them to.
Shane used to tell me all the time that I was swimming against the current, and I didn’t understand what he meant until I realized that I was doing exactly what I had to do to survive.
Now that I am doing the things that I want to do, I am still in survival mode, I am still in that place where I am trying to get from one day to the next, but in the process of surviving I am doing things like this website, and the podcast, and the new clothing line. (Oh yeah I have a new clothing line, it’s called 604North).
I am doing things that I didn’t think that I was capable of doing purely because I have the time to do them now, because in the moments when I am functioning and I am doing okay, I am making my time here matter, to me.
The fact that other people like the LMBG Brand, that people are supporting my work in mental health and advocating for cannabis, is secondary to the fact that I am doing what I need to do to help me get through the bad times.
I have a strong supportive system of people around me, who are here in my head even when I tell them I hate them and want them to go away, I have friends around the world, I have my mom, and my Doctor, and that’s a lot more people in my life then I have ever had before.
That helps to remind me that just because other people have things, people, or places, that I don’t, it doesn’t mean that my life is somehow less rich or amazing. It’s just different then the person sitting next to me.
Each of the women that you’re jealous of, all of the men that you envy, they all have their own challenges, they all have their own traumas, they all have their own experiences of feeling like they can’t accomplish something, or like something is too hard for them. Think about all the famous people you know who portray superheros, they are people who have struggled, and fought to get where they are.
Without dropping any names, one ridiculously famous and talented human in the planet, struggled with addiction for years, and today children everywhere look to him as if he can move worlds.
There was a time I am absolutely certain, that he didn’t think he had a life worth living, or that he didn’t deserve to be here. Yet every single day he gets up and does what he can to put goodness into the world in a myriad of ways. Whatever his reasons for doing it, the fact that he has the power to do it stems from the fact that he didn’t give up and end his life, because where would the world be without the hero he portrayed in the films?
Chadwick Boseman was Black Panther, and he was so amazing, so kind, so wonderful to so many people, all while doing what he can to inspire us without talking about the fact that he was dying from cancer.
I am not saying he’s stronger than you, I am saying he had his fucking struggles, and he worked through them and did what he could to make his time here matter.
That’s all I am asking from you. Whatever you decide to do with your life, make your time matter, in big ways, small ways, in beautiful ways. Help other people, learn from them. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, push you, challenge you, love you.
If you want a better nose, or a tighter ass, I mean go ahead and do that. I used to wish I had a different face, I used to wish that I had different thighs, but looking back I see how much this body has been through, how much it has protected me. I think about how much my mind has experienced, and how many times it’s saved me from the brink of disaster.
I think about the fact that locked in my mind are secrets of many ages, and I have yet to discover all that is hidden in the confines of my brain. There is so much about my body, mind, and soul, that I don’t understand yet, that the idea of cutting parts off or changing the way that I look to fit what I think the world wants from me just doesn’t appeal.
To answer your unasked question, you get to this place by accepting the fact that the body you have was built to survive, the brain you were given is built to help you get through the hard times, and if you don’t believe me, think about every bad day that you’ve ever been through.
You’re still here aren’t you? I think that says more about how strong you are, then how weak you are, if you ask me.
Stop competing with the world love, start working with it instead.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Check out my new clothing line #604North