A good deal of this website, is dedicated solely to making sure that I never forget where I started, because I intend to be insanely productively famous, on my own merit.
It’s not necessarily “fame” that I want, it’s the opportunities that come with brand recognition that I am looking for, and while I’ve said this before, I find myself saying it now as a reminder, “never forget where you started.”
Recently as this week, our LMBG Facebook Page hit more than one hundred likes, and I found myself getting super excited. “That’s not so many, X Celebrity has millions,” and while yes that’s true, they started from the bottom too.
The reason that I want to remember where I started, so badly, is because I never want to become one of those people who spent time trying to forget and deny the struggle, in order to make it look easy from the outside.
This shit, building a career out of a blog, or a set of blogs as the case maybe, is not easy. It’s incredibly difficult, but I know that one day that it’s going to be worth it, because I am going to be able to tell stories the way that I want to, without anyone telling me that “this is not traditional.”
Nothing about my life has ever been traditional, and while I ache to have traditions in my life for my children one day, when it comes to my work, I want anything and everything but.
I want the world to see me as someone who is capable, strong, powerful, enigmatic, and slightly deranged. I don’t ever want anyone to think of me as “normal” or “just another one along the path.” I want to be considered special, and I am willing to put in the work to be seen that way.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle, that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes fall down on myself, it doesn’t mean that this path is easy. It’s not for everyone, and I genuinely realize that now.
I used to look at bloggers who were much more known than I was and wonder how they did it, and it occured to me recently, that their desire to do the work overwhelms their exhaustion. It’s called dedication.
It is not the building of the brand I am talking about, it’s the ripping myself open and saying “these are my issues, and this is who I am, and no I am not perfect” that I am talking about.
It’s not easy to share your experiences and your life with total strangers, to put a spotlight on all the things that you’re told for years that you are supposed to hide.
But we do it, because we never want anyone else to feel alone. We do it because it’s important – especially as women of color – that we shine a light on all the dark parts of ourselves that we’re supposed to tuck away so that we can show off this image of “perfection” that not a single one of us can live up to.
I am not aiming for perfection, I am aiming for strength, I am aiming for health, and by remembering that I started as a five year old kid who just wanted to publish her journal, helps me to stay humble.
When people tell me that I am a part of their healing journey, it’s not just a compliment, it’s a reminder that I am here to do a job, that it is my “job” to help people heal after trauma.
That’s what this site was always designed to be, a place where I could share my thoughts with others, and learn different ways to heal, because what the Doctors were doing wasn’t helping me in any way or form.
Now that I am learning to take the Doctors advice, and advice from my therapists, as well as my BudSista’s and my friends, I am learning to heal in ways that I hadn’t expected to before.
There are plenty of people in this world, hell in this city, that are hoping and praying that I fail, but I choose not to listen to those voices, I choose to remind them that I have an army of supporters from around the world who have a vested interest in me being successful.
I saw a quote the other day that said “she’s not competition, she’s proof that it can be done.” I want that. I want to be proof that it can be done, that you can heal from trauma and create something from the ashes of what remains after you’ve been traumatized.
Life changes after you have been traumatized, you see the world and it’s ugliness differently, because it’s affected you in ways you didn’t think or know were possible. Everything changes after you’ve been abused, because whatever innocence you were capable of holding onto until that point is stripped away and destroyed by the abuse.
I say this because I understand what it feels like to feel like no one understands, like no one in the world can comprehend what you are going through.
I won’t say that victims of trauma have a responsibility to stand up and share their voices, but I will say that I honestly felt like I had that responsibility, because I was drowning.
I didn’t “start” this as a way to help others, I started it as a way to help myself. It became a tool that other people use to give them strength as a consequence of what I’ve posted here, that doesn’t mean that I don’t take what gets said here seriously.
I am ever conscious of how people will respond to what I say and how I say it, and I try to be aware of that, I don’t however always get it right.
Sometimes I fuck up, in monumental ways, and so far the world hasn’t noticed yet, or maybe I just blow these fuck ups out of proportion, but they are still humbling. They still remind me that I am fighting to be the kind of person that I want to be, instead of the kind of person abuse taught me that I should be.
I am not a superhero, I am not a Teacher, I am not a Warrior, I am just a regular every day woman trying to figure out how to survive in a world that hates me purely because of the color of my skin and my refusal to give up on myself.
I’ll take that. I am capable of wearing that hat.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 