So this is coming up because I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from the men that abused me. The last thing I need or want is a fucking apology, what I want is for them to go to prison and rot there until they come out better human beings then they went in.
However, I know that neither option is an a possibility, so I am getting comfortable with the idea that I am never going to get an apology, muchless justice for what was done to me.
It occured to me today, that I don’t need a fucking apology, what I need is space to heal, without that space being invaded by people that treat me like crap.
There is a deep seeded part of me that remembers that the men who abused me the last time, were kids when it all started. I remember that there was a grown ass man at the helm of our abuse, and that the buck stops with him. He turned my friends into monsters, and those monsters became demons in my dreams because he wanted children to have sex with each other.
Now that I am older I am a lot less forgiving of those boys, who grew into men, who made the choice to become rapists.
I was meditating the other day and I heard a voice say “I’m sorry” I got up and growled “you will NEVER be sorry enough.” My body, my mind, and my soul, were traumatized by men who didn’t care how their behavior was going to affect my life, and it’s been this way my entire life.
I think the reason that I am so much angrier about the last time, is because we weren’t kids anymore. We were grown ups who could have dealt with our issues with a conversation, but instead I was beaten, drugged, kidnapped, and raped for hours, by men that I once claimed to love and respect. The same men, who were boys when it happened the first and second time.
There’s no excuse for that kind of behavior, when abuse and assault affects another human being, your apology doesn’t mean shit to me. Your sorry doesn’t make my life better.
Your apology doesn’t change the fact that two years ago my entire life blew up, and I had to focus every ounce of energy I have on making it better, in a very different way.
I am tired, I am utterly exhausted, today after a chat with some of the ladies of Educanation, which is a cannabis group dedicated to Cannabis Education, I left early because I had things, but the thing that I needed to have, was a massive fucking nap.
I woke up at five or so in the morning, and I just needed to go and lay down for a couple of hours so that I could decompress from the nightmare of last night.
I have nightmares now. I wake up crying. I cry out in my sleep, I whimper and I talk to myself in negative ways that come from being abused so terribly and deeply, your apology doesn’t mean shit to me.
In -some- cases the best thing you can do is back the fuck off and give me space to heal, when I am ready I will come to you, or in some cases I fucking won’t and you can reminisce about the fact that you had an awesome person in your life and tried to destroy her.
Then you can remember you failed.
Devon J Hall