Emotionally I am raw. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. The number of people who have been visiting the site has gone down by a huge margin, because I haven’t been posting. I haven’t been posting because the numbers were getting high.
In short, I’ve been sacrificing my writing, out of absolute fear. I very much want to be a successful writer one day, but the more that I see people visiting the website, the more that I get nervous and I end up going through an emotional shame spiral that pulls me away from my writing.
This is not just exhaustion, it’s like a pulling on my soul. I am reminded of the Metallica Song I Disappear, and that’s how I feel. I do this to myself all the time, whenever things are going well, I pull up stakes and usually delete everything and start over.
LMBG is the first thing in my life that I have ever made a commitment to, normally no matter how bad I feel, something gets posted, at least once a week, that was always the promise I didn’t make, but kind of made, to myself.
But this last week was bad.
I am talking not sleeping, dreams that someone told me that I deserved to have a miscarriage, dreams of men telling me that I deserved what happened to me, promises that it’s going to happen again, feeling like I’m being punched, kicked, and spat upon.
It’s been a fully auditory and visual fucking nightmare this past week, and the thing that kills me the most, is that it started on the same day that I started group therapy for DBT Therapy training.
That’s right, I am still attending therapy, but while I knew it was going to be triggering for me, I didn’t realize that it was going to turn me into stone.
This whole week I have just been quiet, cranky, tired, weepy, and sad, just…”sad” in a way I can’t describe.
Part of it is what’s going on with me personally, but a lot of it if I am to be honest, is the state of the world. It’s ….what can I say that hasn’t already been said?
Heartbreaking? Check Deliberately. Evil? Absolutely. Completely fucked up? Totally. And for the record it’s not just in America, it’s happening here in Canada too, on a much smaller scale, sure, but it’s happening.
The racism, the violence, the hatred, it’s like the entire planet is trying to clean a wound, and all we’re seeing is hatred, pain, sorrow, and suffering…which I know, it’s been festering a long time, and now it’s all bubbling to the surface.
I guess I just didn’t think that I would see so much suffering in my life time.
Yes, I still remember when I was a kid seeing a hot air balloon floating by, I remember distinctly thinking “I hope I don’t live long enough to see the world end.” As an adult I understand the world is not in fact ending any time soon, but these shifts and changes that we’re all going through are so fucking uncomfortable.
I know that this last week was about me being forced to face some really hard truths about myself and my past, but I also know that those hard truths wouldn’t have had to exist, if it weren’t for some really evil men in my childhood.
I am rather calm, which I find utterly fascinating, because I am so completely angry. I am angry about it all. Weinstein, Epstein, and Robert Kelly are huge triggers for me. When the news about them broke, I was just starting to tell the truth about what happened to me.
So much of what they are accused of mirrors what I experienced as a victim, at the hands of men who knew how to behave better, but made the active choice to do the absolute worst thing to someone who genuinely cared for them.
I don’t know that I will ever find a way to reconcile that, to get over it, but I can tell you that I am working on it.
I think that what I need is for the world to smoke a big giant spliff, and chill the fuck out for awhile. I just need Politician’s who know what needs to get done, and are willing to do the work to get shit done. I need people who are homeless to have homes, and I need people without food to have food.
I need the world to calm the fuck down, so that I can just focus on my own problems for awhile. That’s not selfish, what’s selfish is running myself absolutely ragged trying to bring attention to problems that other people are having, while I’m over here drowning.
“No I’m okay, save that one,” I’m screaming even as I feel the snakey tendrils of underwater growth are grabbing at my leg, dragging me further into the river of shit.
I’m tired of fighting, I know that we’re literally at war right now with each other, in a variety of awful, terrible ways, but I am too tired to fight. So Im just going to be over here trying to heal my wounds, while y’all attack celebrities for not saying what you want to hear.
Right now my entire focus is on me, and what I need to do to heal, to get strong enough to start making the changes I need to make, so that I can be my strongest self. I am not nearly there, but I am working on it.
What are you working on this week?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall