Recently via Twitter, I posted this tweet, and someone responded with “no wonder I don’t feel safe sharing my story.” Oh my loves. I am so sorry.
I won’t take it down and I won’t ever deny that I said it. I’ve lost more than one friend to suicide throughout my life, and it never gets easier.
I try to remember when it happens, that they have been through some shit, but it’s only recently that I realized how much their deaths have affected me personally.
As you know I’ve been working on a new book, which is why I haven’t been around to write on the website, and through the process of that I have experienced so much emotional pain. Not nearly as much as I used to, but it’s been rough.
When someone told me that they don’t feel safe telling their story, I realized what a privilege it is to be me. It’s so much easier for me to talk about what I have been through then it is for other people. Some people, if you can believe this, keep it to themselves, and they never talk about it.
They never talk about the things that trigger them, they never talk about the things that scare them, they never ever feel a sense of belonging or safety and I hate that. I absolutely loath that there are people who are out there who never have a safe space to share what is on their chest.
I can say honestly I have tried to kill myself twice. I genuinely wanted to die, and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process, I just wanted, and needed, the pain to stop.
I keep looking back to that little girl, and I recognize her, and the pain she was experiencing, and as the woman I have become has learned, it does get better, but you have to let it go.
If not to me, if not to a friend, family member, or partner, find a way creatively to talk about what you are going through.
Yesterday I spoke with my Budsista Kadisha, and we had the best conversation. I talked about things with this woman that I have never vocalized before. It felt so good that when I took a nap after our conversation I woke up feeling rested and relaxed.
Reach out to Facebook groups, find someone, somewhere in this world, that you can reach out to, that can be somewhat of an anchor for you, because I don’t want you to give up your life because of people like the one above.
I don’t want you to die, because it hurts too much, because I know how bad it can get, but I also know how utterly beautifully amazing it can get.
Stay strong my loves, we ARE all in this thing together.
I love you,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 