I am Curiously Anxious About My Anxiety

So today I learned that my hemoglobin is very low, which explains why I haven’t been as motivated to get out and about this year, the way I was last year. Or at least it explains some of my lack of motivation.

Sure I wasn’t as active this summer as I have been the last couple of years, I haven’t been rushing to get out of the house and visit Vancouver and bum around like the stoner that I am, but to that end I’ve also been working my ass off on building this website.

I’ve scheduled a lot of events for me to attend digitally, and I am out there promoting my brand in ways I never have been before, I’m not lazy, I am fucking busy.

I am okay with where I am emotionally, and spiritually, though I still have several hundred issues with the Gods, but I am working on it. Yes, mostly they are just a bunch of assholes, but they’re useful assholes, when they want to be.

Like I said, I am working on it.

I am anxious though because now that I am no longer on outpatient care, I bear the full responsibility of my mental health. I am the one focused on making sure that I go to my appointments, that I take my medications, that I get up and out at least once a week for some fresh air.

I have to be responsible for myself instead of letting someone else take care of me, and I wonder genuinely if I am ready.

Yes I am independent, and yes I am incredibly capable of taking care of myself, but there was a sense of comfort from knowing that people were getting paid to ensure that I was getting better. I worry for the days when I am no longer seeing a psychiatrist, now that I have finally found a Doctor I both like and respect.

I’m not thrilled with the fact that access to counselling has been so difficult to find, and I’ve gotten frustrated and genuinely given up on the process, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know I do in fact need serious deep seeded therapy.

I need a space where I can talk about what is going on in my life, and I need to reach out and find some kind of digital support group that can help me work through these issues that I have been hoarding for so long.

I think finding a digital group is more approachable for me then reaching out to one in my community, so I am going to have to look into either finding or hosting something.

The problem with trying to host something like that, is that I don’t want to be the leader in this case. In the area of life where I am focused on my personal healing, I want someone else to take the lead, so that I can open up and share when I am ready.

Change needs to happen when it comes to providing people who suffer with mental health issues access to the medical care they need, and that is especially true for those of us searching for counselling support.

It is so difficult to get our counselling paid for, if there is one thing that I am going to make sure I do if I ever have any “real” money, it’s going to be to help make it easier for people like me access counselling. That is my life dream.

It’s not going to be easy, because no one wants to talk about how difficult it is to access proper medical care when you don’t have a lot of money, but then when has anything in my life ever been easy?

Another day, another new challenge. I can handle it. I know this.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

Author: Devon J Hall

Devon J Hall is a thirty-eight-year-old Writer and Author from Surrey, British Columbia by way of Calgary Alberta. She lives with three cats, one mother, and is addicted to coffee, cigarettes, and weed, not necessarily in that order.

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