Sex has always been a huge part of my life. Specifically violent abusive sex, commonly referred to as “rape”.
When I was growing up in Calgary, as a Catholic, I was taught that sex was supposed to be saved until after marriage.
Being that I spent so much of my life being raped, I gave up on my dreams of sharing that first time moment with my future husband or wife, pretty early.
I realized very early on that I was never going to get the chance to go to my wedding bed as a virgin, and it was important to me, largely because I taught by men that it’s important for women to be virgins.
Interestingly, boys were never expected to wait until marriage, they “should” but they aren’t actually expected to wait, by the Catholic church. Certainly not the way that women are.
There is a lot of pressure for girls to wait, to hold off and to make it special, to make sex matter, but the thing that no one really talks about is what happens when that dream of waiting until your wedding day is stolen from you by rape.
No one talks about that aspect, and I suspect it’s because no one really knows what to say to make it better.
I had a very detailed vision of how I wanted my wedding night to go, I wanted a snow covered cabin in the mountains, with a fire in the fireplace, bottles of Champaign and wine, and I wanted the person I loved.
That was it really, but after being raped, when I became conscious to the fact that I had been raped, I stopped believing that would be a possibility.
I stopped believing that sex was special, because I was having so much of it, still having not yet realized that sex and rape are not the same thing.
Now that I know the difference, I realize how important sex is to human development, especially when it’s done with someone who is on the same viberational level that you are on.
It’s how we connect – two becoming one – it’s a very real spiritual experience, when done properly. When shared with someone who understands and accepts all that you are.
When you are feeling broken, sad, filled with anxiety, stressed out, all the symptoms of PTSD, you aren’t feeling particularly sexy, and opening yourself up to another person seems like more work then it is worth.
Nothing repels me more than the idea of having sex with another person, specifically because I was gang raped so many times, let alone at all.
The idea of being touched by a man makes me sick to my stomach, the idea of being touched by a woman doesn’t much do anything for me either.
I have connected to a lot of men in my life time, and with the rare exception, it wasn’t always a choice that I made willingly.
This body has been through so much, and my tattoos and scars are a reminder of that, and a lot of what this body has been through is nothing short of absolute humiliating.
I remember years ago, a friend who was in recovery with me, once told me that I was a Goddess in the making. That was such a high compliment from a truly wonderful person, but it wasn’t one that I was able to fully accept at the time.
It’s one that I am becoming more comfortable with as I come into my own true self. I keep hearing this voice telling me that I am a whore, that I deserved what I got, that it was a fair punishment for speaking out on topics like rape, trauma, and sexual abuse.
The thing is though, I don’t believe that. I would rather be considered a rat for the rest of my life, then have to face the idea of spreading my legs for any man that I don’t choose with my entire heart.
I am choosing, deliberately, not to engage in sexual activity until I am married because I need to know that my future potential partner is my last person.
At this age I’m not looking for a guy to cuddle up with for awhile, or someone to erase the pain of being raped, I am looking for my forever partner that wants to share all the messy parts of my life with me.
I have always had in my head this very strict idea of the kind of person that I wanted to marry, someone who is kind and wise, someone who is fun and relaxed because I am stressed out all the time. My perfectly imperfect opposite that fits all the parts of me that are missing, so that I can fit all the parts of them that are missing.
Not someone to complete me persay, but someone to enhance what I already have, so that we together, can discover all the stuff we missed out on when we were separate.
I want someone who understands that I’ve been fighting a war, largely by myself, and that this fight started when I was a child. I need someone who understands that this fight will continue until my last breath, because I am not fighting for myself anymore.
I am fighting for the others, who are still being abused, who are still being told that the “Goddess chose their rapists”. I am fighting for all those who believe that their life matters less, because of the color of their skin.
The work I am doing on my own spirit has just begun, and I am not ready to interrupt that work by letting a man come and steal my power again. It has to be someone who fits with me the way that puzzle pieces fit together.
Sex has always been a trauma response for me. It’s something I used to look for after being sexually abused – damned near every time I had consensual sex, it came on the heels of me being raped or abused sexually.
Knowing that, it is incredibly important to me that my next sexual relationship is with the last person that I will ever have sex with.
This isn’t a judgement on those who have more than one partner, if it works for you I say go for it. Be happy in your sexual life, embrace the sex in as many beautiful ways as it comes to you. No judgement from this end.
For me personally, however, I need to know that my person is going to be there when the stuff in the bedroom isn’t happening.
I need to know that my person values the intimate stuff as importantly as I do, largely because sex should be an expression of love, and in my life it too often has been everything and anything but.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 