I am really fucking tired of people thinking that just because I support their work, it means that I will support shitty shit.
Do you know those people who expect you to protect their image at any cost? The ones who think they can get away with murder, while hiding the murder tools in your backyard? The ones who stab you in the back because they are pissed off you won’t defend them when they get caught?
That kind of shit.
Something happened today, and an ultimatum was given, with the expectation that “I” would apologize, for something that I didn’t need to apologize for. In this particular case, the other person was absolutely in the wrong.
Not only did they demand an apology for something that wasn’t even that big a deal, (they made something, I warned them they could get sued, they didn’t like that I posted it on FB in public instead of private.) but then they expected, wrongly, that I wouldn’t call their bluff.
Naw. I’m not doing this anymore. People will show you who they are by taking and taking and taking, and then expecting that you apologize for not giving any more, and I just don’t have it in me to give a fuck.
There are men and women in this world who genuinely want me dead because I talked about what happened to me and had a very public nervous break down that embarrassed some people and put a spotlight on others.
They have made it clear that they intend to find a way to hassle, harass me or worse, end my life, and the RCMP doesn’t care. How much energy do you think I am willing to put into online drama?
Exactly none. I ain’t got time for it.
Every part of my body, mind, and soul, is convinced that I am going to die long before I turn forty. I have spent my entire life being absolutely terrified of death, because I’ve been raped so much that it was inevitable that at some point either someone was going to murder me, or I was going to commit suicide.
Suicide, for the record is not an option, but given my luck with getting away from the gang and gang culture, and the statistics on Canadian femicide, the chances are high that I won’t live to make it to forty.
Those are just the facts. I genuinely feel Death breathing over my fucking shoulder, wondering when I am going to give up or give in or whatever. Maybe I’m completely wrong, but Death has always been a fear, that’s the point.
So you coming at me with “if you don’t behave the way I want you to or we can’t be friends” doesn’t fucking affect me. In any way shape or form. So don’t fucking do it.
I am tired of narcissists, I have been dealing with them my entire life. People who genuinely think they can say or do whatever the fuck they want and get away with it, I’m used to that.
When you get called on your shit, instead of attacking the person calling you on your aforementioned shit, ask yourself if maybe there is something you could have done differently, because if you think that you will use your minuscule amount of power over me, ever again, you’re wrong.
The people who are brought into my life have exactly one shot, and I mean this genuinely. One.
I’ve been beaten, kicked, legitimately tortured, raped, violated in every possible fucking inhumane way. Your Twitter drama ain’t my vibe.
The other day someone came at me on Twitter and told me that I shouldn’t consider myself a victim because that only further stigmatizes and triggers me, and the only question I had is if you’ve never been raped or sexually violated (their claims not my assumption) who the fuck are you to give me advice? This mother fucker hammered at me ALL DAY LONG.
Suddenly I found myself feeling incredibly calm, incredibly stress free, and I actually was really afraid for my mental sanity largely because I very rarely get that calm.
It’s a serene place to be, I become almost completely numb to the outside world, and I focus entirely on another task and I am actually really productive when this happens, to the point of exhaustion which is why I don’t think it’s a very healthy mood to be in.
Today I realized it’s because I am done. I am just done with people. I want to focus on my work and do what I have to do to get this brand where I want it to be, so that I can say that I am the Loud Mouth Brown Girl who helps other people figure out their shit.
I didn’t have anyone growing up to teach me how to be the best version of myself. I had people who constantly asked me “what’s wrong with you?” reinforcing the idea that I was somehow flawed or broken. I had people constantly telling me to “tone it down” so that the abusive narcissist in my life could be highlighted more while I remained in the shadows.
I had people who pretended I didn’t exist unless they wanted something to hurt or beat on.
So your Twitter drama? Your Facebook bullshit? It makes good content for the blog, and it helps me to realize that I no longer want to deal with those kinds of personalities, but it serves absolutely zero purpose in my life.
I’m not having it.
I am creating a network of nurturing, wonderful, kind and supportive people who lift me up instead of trying to gas light me into behaving the way they want me to. They inspire me, encourage me, and teach me how to be a better version of myself by being the best possible version of themselves.
That means learning to accept when they are in the wrong. That means knowing that we’re not always right, even when we feel right, and it absolutely means not offering ultimatums and then getting pissed off when things don’t go your way.
I’ve decided through years of study, that if you’re ready to take an action, you have to be prepared to accept the consequences of that action.
There won’t be consequences for the men who raped me, or the ones who tried to kill me, but there were consequences for me. I learned that I deserve better, and that I want better.
I am not the same girl I was five years ago. I am not the same woman I was yesterday. If you come at me, after I’ve given you nothing but support and tell me that I better learn to behave better, or that I am unprofessional, you better be ready to back that shit up with an actual argument that doesn’t revolve around you being embarrassed because your ass fucked the fuck up.
That’s just the way things are now. This isn’t about business, this is about how you behave as a grown ass human being. If you can’t stop throwing temper tantrums when you don’t get your way, then you don’t get to be a part of my life.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall