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I Want To Throw Myself Into Helping Others But I Have To Help Myself First

I am so tired. Tomorrow morning at 10:15 PST I will be on CJSF FM Radio talking about Uncomfortable, and while I am excited, I am exhausted, because last night I was having dreams about myself and my future.

I was thinking about all the things that I have to make sure I talk about, and suddenly I found myself asking “why are you doing this interview?” Sure, it’s to talk about the book, but at the end of the day I have to think about what it is that I hope to get out of it.

I hope to be the girl who shares her story, and convinces other people that they can survive, and heal and learn to thrive as well.

That’s my focus now. For the longest time all I could think about was doing what I needed to do, to get the story out. Now that the story is out there, my focus has shifted considerably.

I want to create a space here at Loud Mouth for other women of color to come forward and share their experiences, whatever those experiences might be.

I would like to spend the next year saving up some money so that next year I can pay for writers to share their stories on this website. I’d also like to apply for an art grant if at all possible, but I don’t know if it is.

I want to reach out to other women of color, and see what they have to say about the state of the world that we’re living in. That’s why I am so excited about the podcast, it gives me an opportunity to give a platform to women who wouldn’t ordinarily have one.

I am excited about all of the branches that are coming out of this tree, I am excited to see where this journey leads me, but deep down I am tired.

I know, deep down that the tired is my bodies way of telling me to take a break, but this I am not so good at. Which is how I recognize that I cannot teach other people how to get better, because I am still in the process.

I am in…recovery, and I hate saying that because I have had such negative experiences with recovery in the past, but this is the first time that I am openly and fully aware that I am recovering from some seriously deep seeded trauma.

It’s uncomfortable.

I’m not plugging the book, I am being serious. I feel like my soul is growing and my body isn’t ready.

My weight has become my shield against the world and I know that I should start going to the gym or working out or walking, but the thing is that I just don’t feel ready.

I know how that sounds, I am fully aware, the thing is that I just am not fucking ready God damnit.

I don’t want to engage with the world as much as I know that I should in order to achieve the goals I have for Loud Mouth. I want to hide from it.

The world is harsh and cruel and many people including myself are fully aware of the kind of evil that this world has to offer.

If I were writing a letter to the Ancients, I would tell them that I understand now how they became Gods. I understand the idea that they overcame insurmountable odds to become the kinds of legends that we pray to for guidance and love.

I get it, because I have been clawing my way into the light for what feels like centuries. I am that fucking exhausted, and I can imagine that many of you reading this have experienced that a time or two in your life times.

I am reminded of a friend who I once said “it gets better to“, he didn’t believe me and that fear that it would never get better sadly took his life. I keep living deliberately because of him. Because he inspired me to prove him wrong, so that when we meet again I can say I told you so.

He didn’t have the skills or tools or whatever it is that I have, he didn’t have a plan for his future, but I have one for mine and I am not ready to give up, not really, but I am fucking tired.

Part of it is that I know I have been carrying shit that doesn’t belong to me. Stress, drama, pain, sorrow…all of that is a part of the grieving process, and while I know that what I have been experiencing these last few years is unmitigated grief, I also know that if something doesn’t change soon I am in danger of loosing myself again.

Yes I want to help people, but I also want to help myself, and right now that has to be my main focus. I need to find within myself the strength to keep keeping on, even when I am tired, exhausted and feel like I have nothing in the tank.

If I want this vision that is kind of blurry to become a reality I have to keep doing the inner work, so that I can genuinely say that I have found a place where it does actually get better.

Today I tweeted this:

It’s genuinely true. I have made my mark on the world, however small that mark might be, however tiny my audience might be in comparison to other people, I did these things and I am really proud of them.

I enjoy being a part of the world, I enjoy adding my voice to the table. I love speaking out for myself and with other people. I am enjoying the conversations that I am having through Comfortably Uncomfortable, because I refuse to call it CUC – yes I am laughing now.

Life can be absolutely brutal. It can rip you a part, and it’s not a matter of letting life rip you a part it’s about understanding that for some of us that’s the fucking reality.

When it’s over, and the pain always ends eventually, however, if you still have the strength to fight, you can come to the place where you start to heal. Some of us never get that chance, some of us are just too…far gone.

It’s imperative though, for those of us who can, to continue the fight for those that cannot.

I remind myself of that every day. I’m tired, but I am never too tired to fight.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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