I had a friend who once told me to “get over it”, to “get over” whatever it was that was holding me back from being the person I was always meant to be. At first I really liked it, and I tried it, I tried to just start ignoring what happened to me and I tried to move on.
And then it happened again.
The last time I was raped, I decided I was fucking done with men, that was step one. One way or another I was going to find an escape to gang culture, even if that meant going crazy to deal with it all. And I absolutely went crazy.
But I found my way back.
I found something inside of myself that very much wasn’t ready to die, that fought to keep living “this” life, that wanted to be “this version” of myself, and I am not ready to give her up.
The one major thing that is going on in my life, is that there are no men in it. No friends, no boyfriends, no therapists, no doctors, no men period. Except for on Social Media.
That’s the only contact I have with men these days and it feels fucking amazing. I have to tell you, this vacation from men is exactly what I needed because men are needy, emotional, abusive, sociopathic, lunatics who will do anything to be the big guy in the room.
Yeah yeah not all men, but the men in my life, absolutely.
I remember a Tattoo Artist telling me that even though I worked in a church I was going to hell, because I was and am, a self proclaimed Witch.
Another who believed I was going to hell because even though we both had tattoos, he had repented and I refused to do so.
A third who molested me, a Priest no less, who told me in a classroom full of students that women were to blame for sexual activity, and even if “she” didn’t want it, she was going to hell, because she didn’t protect herself.
UGH. MEN ARE EXHAUSTING.
It occurred to me today, that I have been holding onto all the symptoms of sexual abuse and trauma, because I was told that it was my fault. Throughout my life every man or boy who ever sexually assaulted me, told me that in someway, it was my fault.
If I hadn’t been born brown.
If I didn’t work with cops.
If I hadn’t been born a woman.
If I didn’t have a vagina.
If my eyes were blue instead of brown.
Whatever their reasons for their behavior, at the end of the day they always found a way to blame me.
One guy even told me, no less than one week after I was raped at sixteen, that the Goddess had “chosen” him, to teach me proper sexual education. He raped me for three days.
When he was done with me, his roommate took his turn. Before telling me he only sexually assaulted me so that his “brother” would never touch me.
One guy kissed me so that his friend wouldn’t, because he was afraid I was “Trying to steal his friends soul.” This is the kind of shit that men come up with to excuse their behavior and sexual abuse.
This is the kind of shit that kept me fucked up for more than thirty years, this is the kind of shit that I’ve been holding onto, out of fear largely, because I was afraid that they might be right.
I grew up being terrified of God, the thing is I sort of figured out that if God really wanted me not to exist, I probably wouldn’t fucking exist saying the things that I say, so I have to figure that if maybe God isn’t proud of me, at the very least, He/She/They/Them are okay with me being here.
I died once. When I was about seven years old, a man gave me a drink, and it made me hallucinate and I felt my soul leave my body. I have been dying for the longest time, to just be left the fuck alone. To just be in this place where I am now where I can write and help others.
The hardest thing for me is to really talk about the abuse, because I still have this corner of my brain that whispers “it’s your fault”, the thing is if I could go back and change the past and prevent myself from being everyone’s favorite sex toy, I absolutely fucking would have.
“Shine already, it’s time already” – Beyonce.
I love that line, because I realized today that it’s not my fault. I don’t deserve to carry the baggage of PTSD, it belongs to those who stabbed me in the back, it belongs to the men who raped me, it belongs to the men who took their power and used it to cause harm.
I haven’t always consciously chosen or tried to cause deliberate harm to those that I love, but I know that I have. I know there are people in my past that I have caused harm to, without meaning to, but the thing is that it’s not their fault it’s mine.
I am aware that abuse changed everything about me, it made me a selfish, hopeless, dying person who was literally living as a living dead girl. I spent my days pretending to be busy so that I could get from one day to the next.
Some days I could almost convince myself that I was happy, but the truth was that I was fucking miserable. It wasn’t until I cut all the men out of my life that I found the sensation that could even be slightly considered as “happiness.”
It’s something that I recommend everyone try at least once for a short period of time.
Men have built into their minds, that they can do whatever they want and get away with it because they know that we’re the ones that will feel ashamed, abused, broken and damaged.
They know we will ask what we did wrong, what we could have done to change things and the truth is that there is nothing we could have done, or we would have done it, so the baggage of PTSD isn’t ours to carry.
So it’s time to let it go. It’s time to release that shit into the wild, tell your story, stand in your truth, be whomever and whatever you need so that you can stop just surviving through life and start thriving.
This is precisely why more and more people are turning to art, dance, music, and technology. This is precisely why so many people are changing the way they view themselves after abuse.
It’s precisely why we call ourselves Warriors and Survivors instead of Victims, it’s because we know now, that we don’t have to carry that pain anymore. Give it back to who it belongs to.
Mentally and emotionally, drop the bags of PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness, Fear, Guilt, and Shame, to the people it really belongs to. Your abuser.
Recovery is an every day forever process, so we decide, every single day for the rest of our lives, that we will not carry that shit any longer. We “get over it” by deciding every single day to do the work to heal and to remind ourselves that we don’t deserve to feel the pain anymore.
We deserve to be happy and strong, we deserve to feel loved and cherished, we deserve to believe that our lives matter. So yes, by all means, get the fuck over it, however you have to.
Clear out the stall of the horse shit that is your life, release that into the universe, the universe can take it. It’s been taking in negativity for a lot longer than you’ve been alive. Just remember in the giving of the negativity you also have to provide some beauty, somewhere in the world as a way of showing your gratitude.
You can absolutely do this, and it for sure gets better, but you have to fight for it. So are you interested in fighting? Because if not nothing I say here can help you. But if you are, I can honestly and truly promise you, it will get better.
In time.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 