I’ve been thinking about this, and I wrote a thread about it on Twitter, but I wanted to expand on these ideas.
When it’s time to open the door to love, how do you know that you’ll survive it if things go bad? How do you know that you’re ready? How do you know and trust that the person who claims to love you is someone that can hold onto your burdens and baggage with you, instead of being afraid and walking away?
I fear the day I have to sit down with a potential partner, look them in the eyes and explain what I’ve been through. I am afraid for the day I have to explain the nightmares, and the sudden bouts of fear and anxiety that feel like they are trying to slit my throat.
I am so afraid of the first time I am triggered in a public place with a potential partner, and I have to leave, afraid of the the explanations I am going to have to give to explain my behavior, which will probably always be weird and strange.
I have a thousand excuses for not getting into a relationship, but the one true valid one, is that I am not strong enough.
It’s not about not having a big enough bank account, or a certain amount of accomplishments, I mean emotionally. I am not emotionally mature enough to get into a relationship right now. I mean sure if the right person knocked on my door and was suddenly just here, I might consider it, but I would probably also send them packing right away too.
I am tired, and I am still in a place of healing, so I know that right now until I am doing sewing up all the bruises and marks from the abuse, from releasing all that pain into the universe these last three years.
I am still growing, I am not ready to be a part of a partnership again just yet. Not just because I always seem to get hurt by those that I love the most, and not just because I am afraid, but because it’s the responsible thing to do.
It is important when we are in our mental health journey that we understand being a part of a partnership isn’t just about having someone there to help us carry our own baggage. It’s also about being there to help them carry theirs.
It’s about making sure that we are strong enough to lift them up when they are down, and I am just not there yet.
I somehow going from “we meet” to “we break up because they realize how crazy I am,” without taking time to think about what might happen in the middle.
That’s not emotional maturity, and realizing that is a huge part in helping me learn to be comfortable in my own skin, and in my own space, without interference from outside sources.
I am learning what it is that I need in a potential partner, and the thing that I realize I need most right now is space, space to keep growing, to keep healing, to keep getting stronger and wiser and more powerful.
The thing that I need most right now, is to be left alone so that I can continue my work with my mental health. I need to keep writing about it and sharing it with you all so that other people can understand that if they are in similar places, it’s perfectly okay.
There’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s what you do with that alone time that matters. Are you using it to educate yourself? to grow your already inherent skills and talents?
Are you using that time to the best of your abilities, that creates something that helps others? I think that’s what we’re supposed to be doing. I think that as scary as this time is, we’re supposed to be using it to find ways that we can help our fellow and sister humans.
I genuinely do not feel “alone” in this space, even though I spend every day working from my home office, because I spend every day communicating with people, sharing ideas and learning from them.
Questions like the ones above don’t bother me, because I understand that I am in this place of growth and healing, and I am safe here. It feels nice to be safe, because that’s not something that I am used to feeling.
It’s also slightly unnerving, and so adding another person to this journey, is a step that I am not quite ready for. I recognize that, but in a way that reminds me that one day I will be be. One day I will find that person that I am meant to share my life with, or..person(s), and things will be different.
I hesitate to say that things will fall into place, because I don’t believe that one person can complete another person. I do believe that some of us are destined to live together, because we choose to, and that in the choosing of that, we can be a different kind of happy than we were when we were alone.
If that makes sense, what do you think? How did you decide you were ready to share your life with someone? What was the trigger in your partner(s) that made you realize they were the person for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 